


loving is easy (not really)

by cherryboys



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Getting Back Together, Humor, Hurt, Idiots in Love, Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Past Relationship(s), Second Chances, switch POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 67,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27924796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherryboys/pseuds/cherryboys
Summary: Over three years Harry and Louis went without seeing each other after their messy break up when they were just teenagers. Was it enough time for them to finally get their shit together? Harry doesn't think so, especially after he was left heartbroken. But Louis does, as he waits for the right chance to finally be able to explain himself to Harry. And Louis isn't one to back down from a fight he wants to win. That fight is getting Harry back.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 38





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> another fic I've been working on for a while. hope this is one you'll enjoy! i'll hopefully be posting a chapter or two a week. sorry if there are any small grammatical mistakes :)

Louis breathlessly makes it to the cafe only four minutes late which is rather impressive if he says so himself. He slams the door open, alarming the couple customers in the store, causing them to flinch in their seats while turning to see what made the noise. Louis attempts to give them an apologetic smile before he proceeds behind the counter.

Logan doesn’t even spare him a glance as he makes a latte. “New flat but same old Louis. Can’t really say I’m surprised.”

He snickers as he heads over to the sink so he can wash his hands. “Nothing can change me,” he replies while giving him a devious smirk, wiggling his eyebrows.

The only advantage about working a shitty cafe job is having coworkers you can enjoy it with. Luckily for Louis, Logan is just that. They normally work the morning shifts together and they get on pretty well. He’s a really chill guy which helps Louis stay humble because he can get a bit rowdy if there’s no one there to stop him. Logan’s calmness always tends to spread to him. God bless his sweet soul.

Logan finishes his drink and hands it to the customer who has been waiting. He gives her his famous smile that puts everyone in a good mood the second they see it. He’s just got that thing about him which Louis cannot relate to. People get pissed off at the near sight of him.

For the most part at least. He thinks.

He faces Louis while crossing his arms over his chest. “Unfortunately,” he jokes and Louis flips him off in response. “Well then how is it? The new place?”

He shrugs. Yesterday he just moved into a new flat with his best mates, where just sometimes he doesn’t know if he’s making a mistake or not. But then he remembers as much as Niall and Zayn love nothing more than getting on his nerves, he still loves them and probably would’ve been dead in a ditch somewhere if he never met them.

Living together with your friends though can be a bit... risky. Well, that’s how Louis looks at it personally because he cannot be around someone too long without picking up some sort of argument since it’s naturally in his blood. He’s merely strongly opinionated and people can be annoying. Not a good mix as it ends up with him getting in trouble.

“I haven’t been with her long enough to form a real opinion,” he admits while getting out the stuff to make his own chai tea. “But she seems nice. A good distance from Uni and this place... a comfy bed, thankfully. A balcony with a view. That’s all I care for.”

Logan hums. “Ah. _She_ ,” he mocks. “Well she sounds wonderful.”

“Niall already made her spotless,” he informs. He can’t make this tea fast enough, his mouth is almost watering for it. “Too bad for him it’s not staying like that if Zayn and I could help it.”

This of course makes Logan laugh because he can understand the struggle Niall is about to have. If lazy was a person it’d be both Louis and Zayn combined. _La_ =Louis. _Zy_ =Zayn. It’s even worse when they are together, if possible. They love to just lounge around each other and smoke. It’s their thing, always has been.

Zayn Malik is really the reason how they all came together. Him, Logan, and Louis worked here together for their entire first year until he decided to quit because he said working while in Uni wasn’t for him. But that didn’t matter because they were too close to get out of touch.

The minute Louis and Zayn met each other they became friends. There was something about the way he spoke that Louis was drawn to and he just wanted to be around him as much as he could and that’s exactly what happened. It seemed as if Zayn had the same desire.

Niall was Zayn’s friend first and he would always come and bother them during their shifts. Louis didn’t really like him when they met because he thought he was trying too hard which he later learned he wasn’t. He was just so fucking positive that Louis thought it was all an act. Who the hell is that happy about life _all_ the time?

Apparently Niall Horan.

But yeah. They’re all going to the same Uni and are in the same year and have been inseparable ever since. It’s now year three of school and things are coming to an end and he doesn’t know how he feels about it.

It’s funny because technically he’s supposed to be done with Uni already. He’s a year older than everyone since he took a needed and unexpected gap, making him just a bit behind. Not that there’s anything really wrong with that. People take gap years sometimes, it’s normal.

Life just really hated Louis in 2016, let’s put it that way. The universe wanted him to be alone and make him think about how much of a terrible person he really is.

Lesson learned, world. _Fuck you_.

Thankfully though, after spending these past two years with Zayn and Niall, a good chunk of his negative thoughts have taken a major pause. Does he still get them on occasion? Of fucking course he does. But it’s gotten entirely better for him to ignore all of them and just think in the present. He spent so much time living in the past that it was unhealthy.

He’s still taking it one day at a time.

“Well I’m glad you’re back,” Logan points out. “The summer hire in place of you made me want to fucking die.”

Louis ends up smiling at that. “Aw, how sweet. But also a little dramatic, don’t you think?”

“It’s true,” Logan continues while shaking his head, disapproving. “He cried on a shift, Louis. He _cried_.”

His tea is finally ready to drink so he takes a sip of it and basically moans as it hits his mouth. God, he really fucking loves his tea. “I mean you are a horrible person. You probably made him cry, you cruel bastard.” Like Louis mentioned, Logan is too sweet to ever make anyone cry. Even if they might deserve it. He can talk all the shit he wants but face to face he wouldn’t dare.

“Don’t I know it,” he deadpans just as another customer approaches them. Louis nods his head for him to get it which makes him just roll his eyes because well... he likes to take it easy.

He’ll work when he needs to obviously but if he can get out of it he will. Logan just lets him because he normally allows Louis to do whatever he pleases. A bit of a kiss arse, if you will. Laughing at all his jokes and basically encouraging him to continue acting the way he does since it boosts his confidence.

A bit like someone else he used to know.

Louis shakes his head clear of those thoughts and starts mentally preparing himself for the rest of this six hour shift. It was a nice summer off but now he has to get back to the flow of things.

Back to real life.

At least it’s his last year in school and hopefully after this he can finally fucking get on with his life. He started over once he got here, yes, but he really hopes that once he graduates he can move far away from everything.

He wants to move to London and work in theatre for the rest of his life. Have an entire flat for himself and let nothing hurt his heart. You can’t get your heartbroken if you are only keeping yourself company. At least that’s how he views things.

Maybe he will keep in contact with Niall and Zayn—his family too, of course—but otherwise for the most part he will be alone. That much he deserves. He deserves to live a life by himself for his own selfish reasons, but also that way he can’t hurt anyone else in the process.

Hurting people is just as bad as hurting yourself. It’s the same fucking thing, if not maybe even worse. No, it’s definitely worse, because knowing you’re capable of doing something like that to another person? That’s something he never wants to do again.

So being alone prevents that. That’s just how it’s going to have to be for poor Louis. Even if it means moving away and hurting people that way, they will get over it. Then everything can be okay and they can all move on and forget that this horrible person was once a part of their lives.

The rest of his shift seems to drag because the first days back always tend to do that. It was rather slow and Logan got off an hour earlier than him which was the longest hour of his life. That happens every time he gets off and leaves Louis all alone to deal with shit people.

And okay, maybe they all aren’t shit. But a lot of them are anyway. People just irritate Louis for no real reason half the time. Don’t judge him for that.

Once he’s finally officially off he greets the closer with some stories about his summer which gets her laughing. He lives to entertain people whenever the opportunity is there... as in whoever will actually listen to him and give him the reaction he wants. Sara usually laughs at all his jokes which he appreciates her for.

He gives her a final salute before casually walking out of the cafe and taking out a cigarette and lighter. Prior to summer, Louis was thoughtful enough to leave this shit in his work locker so now he can enjoy it on his way back home.

He pinches the fag between his teeth as he lights it up, inhaling the smoke as if his life depends on it because honestly it does. He’s depended on his cigarettes ever since he was 18. That’s something that’s never going to change about him.

The breeze hits his face as he moves forwards making him smile. He always finds himself smiling when he’s walking through the wind because he likes to think it means his mum is right here with him.

Souls travel through the wind and it’s the only way for the spirit to let a person know that they are there even when they aren’t. The breeze is the best way for them to communicate with the people still here on earth.

That’s what she always told him once their Nonna passed away when he was only seven. She explained to him that when you feel the wind just know she is with you. It’s stuck with him ever since then, even if it’s a bit silly. It just gives him some type of comfort with the entire grieving process that seems to be never ending.

It’s been a hard couple years since losing his mum. He felt like he wasn’t ever going to recover from that because as much as it hurt him, it was even more painful seeing his siblings go through something like this.

He was 18 when she passed but they were all still so fucking young. They were able to understand what happened but at the same time they weren’t able to fully process it. There were times when they would just lose it and beg for her to come back even when they knew it wasn’t possible.

He’s never been so fucking heartbroken in his life. Nothing could ever compare to seeing his little sisters feel so alone without their mum and on top of all that, they never had a real dad.

So yeah. He knew he had to skip a year of uni to help them get sorted out. They moved out of their hometown of Sheffield and over to Doncaster where their aunt lived. He wanted to help them adjust to life as best as he could. He knew that going away to uni during all of that would be a horrible and selfish idea.

Therefore he stayed with them. He helped them in school, took them everywhere they wanted. He was there for them every splitting moment he could in place of their mum.

It made it harder for him when he finally had to move away though. He was originally planning on going to school in London to begin with but then he knew being over three hours away from his family would be a horrible idea.

Now since he’s attending the University of Leeds it only makes it a forty five minute drive. It’s easy to get to them if he needs to, whenever they need him, he could be there within the day no problem.

It probably doesn’t make sense that he wants to go away to London with the way he’s referring to his family. That was the entire reason he went to this uni, isn’t it? To be close enough to his family?

But his answer to that is that they’re older now. They are better and they have been living just fine without Louis. He truly believes that it’s the right time if he wants to get away. Plus, it wouldn’t be for another year if he were to move. It makes sense to him. He had his part in being there for him but now he has to do what’s right and be there for himself.

Only himself. That way no one will get hurt again.

It takes him a little longer to get home since he was taking his time walking while smoking. He’s expecting both Zayn and Niall to be there to greet him and he’s not in a talking mood just yet. So therefore he’s taking his sweet, precious time.

Once he arrives at the flat he treads up the stairs and approaches his door. When he swings it open what he is welcomed with instantly gives him a headache.

He first of all sees Niall and Zayn sitting on the couch together browsing through Zayn’s laptop. They are cheek to cheek as they are on it and he slowly turns his head to see the telly on the ground fucking shattered.

What the hell?

Zayn doesn’t bother taking his eyes off the screen. “Hey Lou,” he addresses casually like there isn’t a fucking broken television on the ground right now.

Niall snaps his head at him with a worried look, chewing on his fingernails. He doesn’t bother explaining either so Louis slowly closes the door behind him and takes a better look at the scene in front of him. “So is no one going to tell me what happened?”

“Niall fell into the telly,” Zayn informs with a soft shrug. “Now we are looking for a new one to buy.”

Of fucking course that’s what happened. Sometimes Niall moves too fast for his own little legs and ends up tripping on absolutely nothing. He could absolutely see him landing right onto it and breaking it.

He scoffs when Niall throws his face into the palms of his hands, ashamed. He also groans really loudly and Louis walks over to sit down next to him to purposely make fun of him. “It’s been a day, Horan. One day and you already broke something.”

He removes his hands from his skin and reaches over to slap at Louis’ chest. “Aren’t you going to even ask me if I’m alright? That fucking shit hurt! Look!” He exclaims while showing him his scraped elbow.

It simply makes Louis laugh. “Only you would manage to do this, mate.”

“I hated that telly anyways,” Niall lies, shaking his head with a pout on his lips. “It was too fucking small. I couldn’t see shit. Thanks for fucking caring about my wellbeing, by the way, you cunt.” A tired and grumpy Niall doesn’t happen often but when it does he doesn’t hold back. He becomes an entirely different person because frankly, on a normal day, he is nothing but sunshine.

It makes Louis sick to be fair. Too much happiness in a person actually makes him nauseous. Why would you be happy when a world like this exists? Genuine question.

“It’s okay, Niall,” Zayn reassures softly. His voice is so fucking nice. He doesn’t think he’ll ever get sick of listening to him speak. “Not your fault your balance betrays you.”

Louis kicks his feet up on the tabletop in front of them. They’re all squished together on this sofa which is normal. They could have all the room in the world but they would still end up on top of one another. That’s just how their friendship works. “I’m not paying for anything.”

“Yes you are,” Zayn insists, giving him his first scowl of the day. He likes to call them the FML. The famous Malik look. “Don’t even try to get out of it. Everything in this flat we share, regardless who breaks it.”

“Ha!” Niall snickers, sticking his tongue out at him. He’s such a fucking child.

Louis is too though. They all kind of are in their own ways.

He pats Niall’s knee as he decides to stand up so he can get out of his uncomfortable uniform. He can hear his sweats calling his name in his bedroom. “You are going to kill us all one day, Horan.”

“Not if you kill us first with that stench,” he teases. “Seriously, why does your uniform always smell so fucking bad? Please for the love of God throw it back in the wash. I’m too young to die.”

Zayn ends up laughing—which a Zayn Malik laugh is just a very big smile and crinkly eyes with the smallest giggle—as he heads into his bedroom ignoring his rude comment.

He brings the collar of his shirt to his nose to smell and notes that Niall is being dramatic. Is it the best smelling smell in the world? No. But is it death worthy? No as well.

When he gets in his room he sees a hamper that Niall put in there while he was at work. There’s a piece of paper above it on the wall with the writing _PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIT IN HERE TOMLINSON OR LOSE YOUR LIMBS!_ Instantly Louis laughs and throws his uniform on the floor right next to it just to spite him.

It’s his room after all. Not Niall’s. But knowing him he’s going to take a peak in there pretty frequently to make sure it’s not a complete mess before bossing him around to pick up his shit.

He quickly puts on a matching sweatsuit before ruffling his hair with his fingers and making his way back out to be with his friends. Niall’s handing him his credit card and turns to give Louis a glare. “Did you see my hamper?”

“Yes,” he replies vaguely before walking over to the kitchen to grab some weed they keep under the sink. “Now who’s coming with me to the park for a smoke?”

Sometimes they smoke inside or sometimes they will head over to the parks to lay in the grass. He’s in the mood to sprawl out on the ground and stare up at the clouds until he is as high as them.

“That’s a question you already know the answer to,” Zayn confesses while typing in his card information to order their new telly. Hopefully he got out of helping them pay for that thing but he doubts it. “We can throw away the telly too while we head out.”

“I vote on Niall carrying it all by himself,” he announces excitedly, clapping his hands together. “I will cheer him on as we go down those dreadful steps. Let me just go grab my pom-poms really quick.”

Niall just scoffs and stands up once Zayn finishes up on the laptop. They both ignore him. “I want to throw it down the stairs and break it more. May as well, right?”

He doesn’t understand what goes through his head. It’s because he’s actually serious about that suggestion, Louis knows he is.

Zayn is the one to discourage him. “Now why would you do that?” He questions as he places the laptop on the couch with a frown. “That’s stupid.”

“Well now we have the excuse to! It’ll feel good doing that.”

“Why would it feel good?”

“I don’t know! You don’t get the opportunity to throw a telly down the stairs everyday, now do you, Zayn?”

Their mini exchange makes Louis chuckle because it’s always like this between the three of them. Very pointless and ridiculous arguments. Sometimes they are fun but sometimes they are rather frustrating.

Right now this is entertaining.

“What if someone is coming up as it falls down and they like... die?”

That makes Niall shut up for a brief moment, considering before shrugging. “I’m sure they wouldn’t die,” he tries to persuade him further. “Louis can be looked out for any possible casualties if that.”

He rolls his eyes to himself. “While you guys figure this out I will go hold the door open as the helpful and loving roommate I am,” he explains while heading over to it. “Then we can get rid of that thing and get high. God knows we need it already.”

Niall flips him off as he goes to pick up the broken telly. Zayn of course goes to help him on the other side since he’s willing to help his friends no matter what the situation is. Louis can’t relate.

He’s smiling to himself as he approaches their front door.

And when Louis turned that handle, little did he know what was on the opposite side. Something that would turn his world upside down.

For the second time.

_****_

Harry has trouble paying attention to his surroundings once he’s captured with the sight of something he likes. Right now he’s staring at this cardigan across the store causing him to not notice this older lady walking in his direction. He bumps into her and offers his best sincere apology but she just ends up scoffing and cursing him under her breath.

Oops.

He clears his throat after that awkward little incident before he continues that way and not even thinking twice as he picks it off the hanger. He’s almost positive that this cardigan has his name written on it. It’s embroidered over the front.

Once he has the right size he hurries to the register so he can purchase it and go home to his new flat. He decided to go on a quick shopping trip after his morning jog because it’s something he always does in the beginning of a new school year.

He’ll take any excuse to shop when the opportunity is there. Does he need new clothes? Not necessarily. Does he want new clothes? Absolutely.

He’s already got two bags and this just adds a third one onto his arms. He believes that’s enough pleasure shopping today. Next step is grocery shopping.

That he doesn’t want to do in his current workout attire so he’s going to stop back home to drop these bags off and change. He also forgot his reusable bags so he needs to pick those up anyways.

Practical thinking.

When he gets outside he decides to go on his phone and scroll aimlessly. He hasn’t really been on his phone since they moved in two nights ago and when he gets on Instagram he sort of wishes he stayed away from it longer.

Because he opens a story of his boyfriend Greyson smiling widely with Mia. Their cheeks are pressed against each other and they look a little too friendly for his liking.

Which isn’t right. He rationally has no reason to be jealous of them. They’ve been friends since their first year in uni together and Greyson has told him multiple times that they are just friends. He trusts him, of course he does, but he can’t ignore that little feeling in his stomach whenever he sees them this close.

He’s always had this problem when it comes to the people he likes.

But at least he’s completely aware of how ridiculous he is. The slightest thing could happen and he’d feel jealousy blaze through his body. He thinks a part of it is because he’s always been so fucking self conscious and just scared.

There are better people out in the world than Harry to spend time with. To date. He’s aware of that and it’s only a matter of time until the person he is with realizes that too.

Fuck. He wishes his mind wasn’t so hateful toward himself. Can’t it give him a break for once?

He sighs and thinks that’s enough of that. He places his phone back into the pocket of his hoodie and carries on with his walk trying to push away his feelings.

He met Greyson in the summer of 2016 back in Sheffield. He started working at Harry’s job where they got along pretty well, and they never really hung out outside of work until 2017 when they officially started dating.

It was sort of a dumb idea to start dating then because they were going to completely different universities. Being forced to be in a long distance relationship which was one of Harry’s main concerns at the time. But Greyson seemed all for it because he insisted he liked Harry enough to try it, that they were worth it.

Harry agreed. Agrees. He thinks.

He does love being around Greyson, don’t get him wrong. He makes him laugh, he’s gentle and kind. He’s got all the right qualities but at times Harry just feels like there might be something missing.

It’s probably the distance. He just craves being touched, he always has. He’s a clingy person and will take any sort of affection he can get. That’s why this entire thing is a bit harder for him and makes him second guess it occasionally.

But once they’re together those thoughts disappear and he remembers it really is worth it. He always makes up for it once they reunite. He’s the right type of person to be in a relationship with, that’s for sure.

So that’s another reason why he shouldn’t be jealous because he trusts him. He always has since he’s never given him a reason not to. He’s a good, good guy. He’s _real_.

Unlike other people he’s dated.

He arrives at his flat and takes the steps two at a time. His longer legs make it easier for him to do this. When he reaches his door he swings it open and is greeted with Liam eating breakfast at their dining room table.

He twists his head at him with a mouthful of oatmeal. “Where the hell were you? That was a long run,” he observes before looking down to his bags. “Oh. Never mind.”

Harry just laughs and makes his way in the washer. He always washes his new clothes first thing when he returns. “It was an emergency,” he jokes and he hears Liam snicker behind him.

“Of course it was.”

His smile lingers on his face because Liam understands him. He is no stranger to the fact that Harry takes his shopping very seriously. That it’s one of his favorite things to do.

He only met Liam a year ago at his part time job but it was enough for them to become friends. They also attend the same university which was really convenient since they were looking for a flat to get for their third year.

Which would clearly be now.

They decided to room together since they had the same wishes and they knew they got along rather well. They’re both clean and quiet, and take their school work very seriously. It only made sense for them to find a place in their interests.

“Do you have anything you want from the grocery store?” He asks as he starts the washer. He turns to Liam as his body leans up against it. “I’m going to change and then go.”

Liam nods and reaches over to grab a notepad and pen. “I’ll make my list while you get ready.”

He starts to laugh again and walks over before lightly tapping his cheek. “You do that, Liam.”

Since he’s going to only be gone another hour he decides he’ll just shower when he gets back. He throws on a clean t-shirt and some jean shorts instead of his current running ones. It makes him look a bit more put together than he actually is, he likes to think. Definitely a bit more freshened up.

His curls are already hidden behind a bandana so he doesn’t bother fixing that mess. He just reapplies his deodorant and settles for that.

He’s always worried about his appearance when going places but doing these few adjustments seems to ease his anxiety. It’s the little things that get on his mind.

When he emerges out of his bedroom Liam is finished with his oatmeal and hands over Harry his list. “How lucky am I to have someone willing to do the grocery shopping living with me?”

Harry grins widely. “Very,” he agrees with a shrug, reaching over to grab his reusable bags. “I’m surprised you don’t like it.”

Liam tilts his head side to side. “I just always feel like I’m going to smash into someone with the cart.” A weird thing to be concerned about but alright. He doesn’t judge.

“Interesting.”

He always hates when Harry says that in his mocking tone so he just scoffs unimpressed. “Want to be a doll and grab me some cake pops on the way back?”

Harry rolls his eyes to himself because Liam has this unhealthy obsession with cake pops that he vocalizes and shows a lot. “I’ll think about it,” he replies and opens the door to leave. There’s a click across from him and he looks up to see his neighbor coming out of his room the same time.

Liam said they moved in last night while Harry was working and he met them briefly. A wild group of three he explained them as, mentioning that they look like a fun group. He’s going to have to meet them all eventually so he lets himself freeze in his doorway so he can do that. May as well get it over with now.

He’s always been bad at meeting new people since he’s typically shy at first, but after a few times he tends to come out of his shell. He just likes to really understand the person he’s talking to before he is himself around them.

The door across from them is fully open now and what Harry sees next... _nothing_ could prepare him for the way he feels in that moment. He wasn’t planning on this encounter to ever happen again because there’s nothing he wants less in this world.

It nearly knocks the wind out of him. He’s getting dizzy as he stares at the man before him and seriously what the fuck is happening? There is no fucking way this is real. His mind is just playing tricks on him, right? Please, _please_ let it be his mind messing with him. The universe isn’t that cruel. It can’t be.

It’s not until the boy squints up and makes eye contact with him that Harry loses all sense of stability he had left. He can basically feel himself choke as his chest closes in on him, completely refusing to give him anymore air.

Apparently Harry isn’t the only one feeling like this because the boy across from him freezes too. He becomes pale and he’s staring at Harry like he’s just got hit by a car. He can only imagine that he looks the same exact way.

They both stand in their doorways in shock and Harry truly refuses to believe that Louis fucking Tomlinson is in front of him.

He was the first and only boy he ever decided to give his heart to. Well, he didn’t decide to. If he could have decided who to give his heart to it definitely wouldn’t have been him. It just happened unfortunately.

Because his heart was absorbed by Louis. It filled entirely up with him and when Louis fucked him over he felt absolutely nothing. He poured his heart out to Louis and then he took it with him like it wasn't a big deal. Like it was... like it was fucking paper, crumbling it up and stomping on it on his way out.

There was a time in his life that he was convinced he was the sun and that everything revolved around him. Harry— _he_ revolved around him—and there was nothing he wanted more. He was such a big part in his life, specifically his teenage years. The biggest part if anything. He made his world brighter and was seen only in a positive light. Harry looked up to him.

But now? Now he just sees Louis as flames. Flames that destroy and burn everything, inflicting pain to anyone who gets too close. You can’t touch or look at him without hurting yourself in the process.

Funny that, how fast opinions can change on a person.

He can’t help but notice in this terrifying moment that he looks the same. He really does and for some reason that is what is making him even more emotional than it should. The only difference is he’s got facial hair now, making him seem slightly older than he is. He still looks soft. Fuck, it would be so fucking easy to just wrap his arms around him like things used to be. Pretend that they are okay.

But that wouldn’t be possible. Not after what happened between them. No matter how much he misses holding him he would never fucking do that to himself again.

Because Louis Tomlinson’s heart is fucking hard. There’s no softness about that part of him. He proved that to Harry years ago.

Time is at a stop for what seems to be an eternity until there’s a body pushing behind Louis. He barely can get himself to look away from Louis but it’s a voice that snaps him out of it, thankfully.

“Harry?” It asks and he painfully turns to see Niall Horan coming out of the flat, carrying a... telly? A broken telly, actually. “Harry Styles, don’t tell me you are our neighbor? That’s fucking brilliant if you are!”

 _Our_ neighbor. Meaning him and Louis. Right? Holy shit, this is so, so bad. It’s Harry’s nightmare becoming a reality, actually.

There are too many fucking thoughts running through his mind right now that it’s overwhelming. He’s actually going to be sick. There’s no way he can deal with this.

So he doesn’t even answer him. He has to fucking get out of the doorway before he passes out. He just backs into his room frantically and slams the door shut, not sparing any of them another glance. He throws his body against it and finally lets out the shakiest breath of his life. Liam snaps his head back up with a concerned expression.

“What the hell is wrong?”

He shakes his head and hangs the bags back up because grocery shopping isn’t happening anymore. “Sorry, Liam. Change of plans,” he mumbles desperately just wanting to hide away in his room.

This panic in Harry makes Liam stand up and stare at him with worried eyes. “Woah, woah, woah, what just happened? Are you alright?”

Harry swallows the lump in his throat. “Y-Yeah. Fine,” he lies with a smile that probably looks borderline psychotic. “Just feeling a bit ill all of a sudden. I’m going to go lay down, please don't bother me.”

And just like that he hurries past him and basically flings himself into his bedroom as if he’d be safe once he’s inside there. The door shuts behind him and he hurries onto his bed, sitting down on it and ripping the bandana out of his hair so he can nervously pull at his curls.

Why is Louis here? Why _now_? Why would he be fucking roommates with Niall when he doesn’t even go to this uni?

Unless he does... what the fuck, does he actually go to Leeds? He was supposed to be in London, far the fuck away from everyone. That was his original plan. They weren’t supposed to run into each other again.

Has he been here this entire time? That thought alone is giving Harry anxiety because that’s two years he didn’t run into him. He got fucking lucky there but apparently that ended.

How did he not know Niall is friends with him? Maybe it’s because he never really addressed his friends by names now that he thinks about it. And if he did, he probably just didn’t pay attention to it.

Also the fact he hasn’t seen much of Niall besides in his classes since they’ve had a majority of them together. They never hung out outside of uni. There’s not a specific reason for that, he reckons, it’s just how it worked out for them. Suddenly he’s really fucking thankful they didn’t.

Because that means he would have seen Louis sooner, right? He has to find out if he’s actually going to school here. Hopefully he’s not but it wouldn’t make sense for him to live in a flat so close to the uni for no reason.

Fuck.

Harry wants to cry. He’s not strong enough for this. If Louis lives across from him like this, he’s going to break. And he spent so much time putting himself back together after what he did to him three years ago. He got so strong on his own and he’s proud of the person he is today.

But Louis Tomlinson makes him weak. He makes him so God damn weak and he won’t be able to handle this situation easily.

This seriously can’t be happening to him. He closes his eyes and squeezes his fists around his hair even tighter to try and push down all his emotions. There’s too fucking many.

He really wishes he never met him.


	2. two

“What was that about?” Zayn asks from behind them.

And fuck. Fucking damn it to hell. He doesn’t know if he’s ever going to recover from that. Is he ever going to be able to speak again? He wasn’t expecting _that_ to fucking happen.

Harry Styles is his neighbor. Is this a gift from the universe? Or a personal attack? It might finally be his chance to talk to him and have him forgive Louis for when he was a stupid and ignorant teenager. That’s all he wants. Forgiveness. He’s been living with the guilt ever since that one fucking night.

“That was weird,” Niall mumbles as he struggles with his side of the telly. “Harry is normally so friendly.”

He spins around rapidly because he forgot that Niall just implied that he knows Harry. “How the hell do you know him? Our neighbor, I mean?” He asks, panicked, trying his best to not sound like he himself knows who he is.

They both fully get out of the room. “He’s in my music program. We’ve had a shitload of classes together since first year,” he replies with a shrug. “He’s exactly the type of person you want as a neighbor. Just saying.”

That makes sense. Harry was always so fucking passionate with his music just like Niall is. He just had no idea that he was studying it here of all places. He really didn’t.

Louis feels like he’s going to throw up. He starts chewing on his lip realizing smoking weed right now will only make him extremely anxious considering the situation that just happened. He steps to the side to let them walk out with the telly. “I don’t want to smoke anymore. Both of you leave me alone,” he says out of nowhere before heading back into the flat and slamming the door shut, not even hesitating.

He hears Niall and Zayn talking among themselves outside but he can’t bother listening. He hurries to his bedroom so he can go hide in there instead.

The problem with this entire thing is that the reason they are where they are today is because of Louis. Because he was a stupid fucking teenager who was scared and didn’t know how to properly handle his emotions and feelings without being a prick. He was also so fucking hurt, God damn it. He was _hurt_ and wanted to hurt Harry _back_.

So what did he do? He decided to break both of their hearts when he didn’t mean a single thing of what he said, and he let Harry believe something that wasn't even true.

And now they both seem to be paying for it. By the look on Harry’s face he definitely didn’t want to be there. He didn’t want to see Louis at all. He might be stupid but hes got eyes.

Harry really, really looked hurt. And shocked.

It’s all Louis’ fault. It’s always his fucking fault.

_****_

It doesn’t take long for the two annoying bastards he calls friends to come back upstairs. But thankfully for him, they give him about 30 minutes of alone time until they are both barging in his room to see what’s wrong.

He spent that entire time debating what the hell he is going to do. The last time he saw Harry he was crying and it was all because of him. An explanation and an apology would be the right way to go about this, but he doesn’t know if he’s brave enough to do that. He’s still fucking scared. And why?

Maybe it’s because he’s afraid of what Harry can do to him. Christ, he was 18 when he last saw him. That was about over three fucking years ago and the second he looked into those green eyes now, at the lovely age of 21, he felt his entire body melting like it did back then.

Harry is just... he’s _so_ lovely. No matter what was going on in that head of his, he always made sure to put the people in his life before himself. He could be drowning in his thoughts, almost to the point where he was suffocating in plain sight, but he would still worry about others first like his life depended on it.

Specifically Louis, when he sure as hell didn’t deserve any of it.

And everyday since that one damned night he has regretted hurting a boy like him. Someone he loved with all of his heart, he refused to accept it and made him believe that he would never want Harry as much as he wanted Louis. That wasn’t true whatsoever.

At the time, he couldn’t give Harry his all, so he thought it was better to just give up completely because he knew Harry deserved better than what he was offering him.

Looking back, he knows how stupid and pathetic he was. How he handled them. It was all a misunderstanding, and Louis can’t blame Harry for how he reacted. Louis was an idiot for letting him believe it. He should have fought harder.

His door was swung open as he was still considering how he could maybe talk to Harry and if he should try at all, honestly. He didn’t come up with his decision when they started bombarding him about going out tonight... with Harry and his roommate named Liam they briefly met last night. Niall is basically begging him to come with them over to their flat with some chips and weed so they could get to know each other and he never wanted to strangle him more than this very moment.

“What the hell is up with you? You’re always up to talk to new people?” Niall asks while trying to physically pull him up out of his bed after his consistent rambling.

Of course ever since Niall found out that his friend, Harry—which what the hell? How the fuck did _this_ happen?—is his neighbor, he wants to go out as a group to the pub after the entire getting to know each other thing.

He’s always up for making new friends and he keeps saying that they would all adore Harry which ha. Little do they know.

But anyhow, Louis is sort of refusing to leave his bed he’s been in the past hour. They left him alone for that much but now Niall is insisting on bothering the fuck out of him to join them.

Zayn is standing in the doorway staring at the exchange, not fully understanding what Louis' problem is either. He’s not as oblivious as Niall is, unfortunately.

What is he going to fucking tell them? _Oh, Harry? Yeah, I know him, actually! He was my ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen since we broke up in 2016 and I left him crying in a random bedroom at a party. That’s why I’m acting like this, really, that’s all! No big deal!_

Not happening.

“Do you know him or something?” Zayn asks suddenly, tilting his head slightly at Louis as he puts it together. Shit. “Because you sure as hell both looked at each other like you might’ve.”

Well then it was obvious enough. Maybe he can make something up that doesn’t sound as serious as it actually was. He has to at this point.

Niall snaps his head between them for a moment and speaks before Louis gets the chance to. “That is true,” he admits with a frown, sounding suspicious. “Something was off, that’s for sure.”

Louis shrugs harshly and sits up straight on his bed. He rests his back against the headboard, playing with his fingers. He can’t even lie about not knowing who he is, but at least he doesn’t have to go into details. “We kind of did. We both went to the same school in Sheffield and we worked together at his family bakery. Nothing crazy.” So not fucking true.

This of course just causes Zayn to narrow his eyes on him because he’s good at reading lies. He undoubtedly can tell he’s leaving out major details while Niall on the other hand becomes beyond excited, still oblivious.

“No shit! Really?” He exclaims while squeezing his wrist. “That’s great! And fucking hilarious, actually. All this time I’ve been friends with him and you knew him.”

Definitely not great.

“Don’t get too eager,” he mumbles, standing up from his bed because he’s going to suffocate with all of them in here together. He straightens his back out, glaring at Niall who remains on his bed. “We never really talked because we had nothing in common. And I doubt that’s going to change, just because this is all some weird coincidence that he’s living across from us and you know him from school already. So what if we’re all neighbors? Not all neighbors are mates, Niall. It’s not like we’re all obligated to get to know each other, for fucks sake.”

Niall frowns, taken back by his harshness. Really, it’s so unlike him to not want to talk to new people. Ever since he was a child he’d willingly speak to anyone he could because he loved having friends. He loved attention. 

The room goes silent and now it might be a little obvious. He forces out a dry laugh, refusing to glance at Zayn because he knows his eyes are going to be disbelieving. “Sorry,” he rushes, shaking his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. Let’s just...” Niall is starting to be aware of something so shit. He needs to fix this. “Fine. We can go over there.”

“That was fucking weird,” Niall mutters, standing up and slamming a hand to his forehead. “You feeling alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Better,” he grumbles, moving away from his sweaty touch. “Just got a bit sick to my stomach, that’s all. Think it was because I realized I’m actually living with you now.”

Niall grunts, shoving him as he goes to walk out of the bedroom. “Fuck off, you lunatic.” He moves past Zayn as well and he finally takes this as the time to take a quick look at him. He’s still standing there, watching Louis and he sort of wishes now that Zayn and him weren’t able to read each other as well as they did.

Zayn just gives a small smile. “You don’t have to go over there with us if you don’t feel like it, Lou.”

He shrugs, thinking to himself that he’s going to have to get this over with sometime. May as well do it when they are all there, right? He sure as hell doesn’t want to be alone when he first really is around Harry. He isn’t counting that door exchange because it lasted for only ten seconds even though it felt like fucking forever.

He sucks in a shaky breath, trying to compose himself and seem calmer than he is. His heart is not pounding against his chest right now. He refuses to accept that. “I’ll go.”

_****_

Eventually they are all getting ready and Niall is shoving bags of chips in everyone's arms, leaving Zayn in charge of the weed and rambling about how amazing it is to have them across from them as neighbors. It’s giving Louis a headache and he realizes that there is still time for him to back out and not go over there with them.

He doesn’t know if he’ll be able to be in the same room with Harry ever again. He’s going to want to hug him and kiss him and mutter endless apologies into his ear. How is he going to sit there with all that guilt inside of him? In front of Harry? He’s going to want to just blurt it out the second he lays his eyes on him again because he’s been wanting to do that for years.

He did try. One night, he tried reaching out to Harry. It was a month after his mum passed and he just wanted to hear his fucking voice. The voice that always knew how to comfort him, how to calm him down and make him believe that maybe the world isn’t as cruel as it seems to be.

But he came to discover that Harry had blocked him. He called him and nothing happened, so he went to Instagram (which he avoided since the breakup) to see he was blocked there too. It was clear to him that Harry wasn’t planning on ever letting Louis back into his life.

It hurt but he couldn’t blame him. He fucked up everything they had and what they had was so special and rare.

This is going to be a nightmare. He’s officially decided this is not a good thing and God is still punishing him to this day. Fuck.

“Why are we bringing over so many snacks?” Zayn complains, giving Niall an FML as they head out of their flat.

“Because they might be picky! I want them to have options at least,” he explains, knocking on the door with three rapid taps. Louis is standing there behind them, currently shitting himself. So unlike him.

It takes a minute but unfortunately the door does open before Louis actually turns back around and runs away. They look up to Liam who takes in the view of the three boys while plastering a smile on his face. “Oh! Hi. What’s all this?”

“A way of initiating new friendships as well as being neighborly,” Niall exclaims, spreading his arms out as an offer. “We bring snacks and weed.”

Liam just laughs, contemplating before shrugging as he gives in. “Alright then. I can’t turn this down.”

Niall bursts his way through the door as he starts rambling nonsense to Liam but Louis cannot even make out what he’s saying because all he can currently think is _Harry Harry Harry_. He sucks in a shaky breath, trying to remind himself that everything is fine. Maybe they can make this right and he can finally sincerely apologize to him, explain to him that he had it all wrong.

Zayn notices because he’s interrupted from his thoughts as he rubs a hand on his back. When he faces him, he returns a comforting smile but doesn’t say anything.

See, he knows that something is bothering Louis. He knows that something serious might’ve happened between the two of them. But he won’t ask him about it if he can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it. He wouldn’t ever push Louis until he was ready to open up himself which he really fucking appreciates.

He leans into his touch just as Niall brings up the damned name. “Where’s Harry, then?”

Louis snaps his head to wait for Liam’s response. He simply nods his head backwards, referencing to the direction Harry’s in, probably. “He’s in his bedroom. Wasn’t feeling too good,” he answers, looking confused as he tells them that.

He almost snorts because he knows too well why he’s in there and why he’s not feeling good. He did the same exact thing and he’s shocked Niall doesn’t mention that.

“Well too bad,” Niall says, putting the bags down and making his way to get Harry. Louis wishes he could kill him for being so happy right now to get them all to hang out.

Liam turns to Zayn and Louis, giving a little smile. They introduced each other last night but that was about it. Louis was too drunk to even remember his name until Niall brought it up today. “Is he always like this?” He asks, not judging, just curious.

Zayn slides his hand to Louis’ shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Unfortunately. But that’s Niall, for you. You get used to it.”

Liam simply laughs. “I can see that.”

Louis is staring at his feet and it’s definitely taking longer for Niall to drag Harry out of his bedroom. The three of them stand in uncomfortable silence as they wait. He knows he’s being a brat right now and refusing to leave. He probably looks all bug eyed and shaky, realizing that Niall isn’t going to let him stay in there and that he’s going to have to face Louis after all.

Fuck. Maybe he should go.

Just as he’s going to announce he’s going to leave, Niall’s loud voice comes into play. “I forgot how much of a stubborn bastard this one is.”

He can’t help himself as he picks his head up to look at them. Harry is intently focused on the ground as Niall’s arm is wrapped around his waist, dragging him into the room. He looks pale and genuinely, he _does_ seem like he’s sick. He probably is debating fleeting the building completely.

Louis can’t help it anymore. He takes this as the chance to really take in Harry and fuck, he has changed. But it’s not in a bad way, not at all. It’s just... he got tall. He’s so much taller now. And he looks fucking buff. Since when did this happen? He’s always been fit, but now he’s _properly_ fit. Christ.

For his hair, it seems to be just a bit longer, but just as curly and fluffy. It’s always been one of Louis’ favorite things about him, how nice it felt to run his fingers through it, how Harry would basically melt into the touch and smile with those damned dimples, staring at Louis with his green eyes like he was his entire world...

On second thought, he might start feeling really sick after all.

“Are you feeling better?” Liam asks, and Louis still can’t take his eyes off of the boy. It's just so _much_. His vision travels down to his hands that are trembling as his fingers fiddle together, picking at the skin around his nails.

He clears his throat, lifting up his head for a moment, only to look at Liam. He completely avoids the direction of where Louis and Zayn are for obvious reasons. “Yeah, thanks,” he mutters, and his voice is deeper. It’s definitely deeper. Fuck.

“Since we weren’t able to introduce each other as you rudely slammed the door in our faces,” Niall begins, and fuck, Niall, not now. What is wrong with him? “Those are my flatmates, also labeled as my best mates, I suppose.” He raises a finger to point between the two of them even though Harry is still not looking. “That’s Zayn, and apparently you already know of Louis. He told me how you guys knew each other in Sheffield,” he explains and Louis wants to fucking chop off his balls. “All this time I’ve been best mates with him. Small world.”

Harry’s body tenses completely and he nods without making eye contact with anyone, finally moving away from his touch, probably not wanting Niall to feel how stiff he just got. “Um. Yeah,” he agrees with a small and tight smile, curls falling into his eyes. His voice is shaking so bad and fuck.

He finally forces himself to look away. This is so horrible. He’s the reason why Harry is acting this way, shy and timid. He’s also still fucking hurt. It’s so painfully obvious that he’s hurt and just... fuck. It’s hard for him to accept that after all these years, he still left a dent in his heart.

He’s a poor excuse as a person.

Zayn takes initiative, for once in his life, all because he knows that Louis is suffering terribly right now with his thoughts and he’s always there for him when this shit happens. He removes his arm from his shoulder, pulling out his weed. “Why don’t we all smoke and have a nice chat, yeah? Harry, you’re going to have to tell us all about the shit Niall pulls in class.”

He’s trying. He really wants to hug Zayn for attempting to make this all a little less uncomfortable.

Harry just blinks, finally picking his head up, but still avoiding Louis’ eyes. He forces himself to bring his attention to Zayn, nodding slowly. “O-Okay. I can... do that.”

He can’t help himself as he rips the weed from Zayn’s hands, suddenly needing a smoke. Fuck the anxiety that comes with it. He feels the urge to also start talking or he’s going to explode with his thoughts. “Well, let’s all go share our most embarrassing Niall stories then. I’m always waiting for the opportunity to shit talk this moron.”

After finally speaking, this seems to be all Harry needed to actually look at him this time. The second he does, more color drains from his face if possible, before it begins to turn pink, causing him to snap his head back to the floor.

“Hey!” Niall lectures, flipping Louis off. He’s still watching Harry who couldn’t even look at him for less than a second which... not a good sign.

This is going to be a long night. Or year, really.

_****_

Louis is currently losing his Goddamn mind and he’s pretty sure that Harry has already lost his. But he is close behind him, if that.

Let’s just say the time they spent socializing in the flat was one of the most awkward moments of his life. And he’s never an awkward person. Like ever. Niall was trying so hard for everyone to get along, but it was usually just spent with him talking, Zayn answering, and Liam laughing. Harry and Louis just sat there staring at their blunts, barely smoking.

He didn’t dare glance at Harry once because he didn’t want to see that hurt flash across his face again. That was too hard for him to handle and he just refused to even risk it, because fuck... that boy deserves happiness and that's it. It's as simple as that, and knowing that he is the reasoning behind his hurt... it's awful. Just fucking awful.

Now they are at the pub where Niall and Harry are seated at the counter, and Zayn, Liam and Louis are taking up a booth. He isn’t drinking because his head is pounding and he doesn’t want to worsen it, while the other four seem to have no problem doing so. Even Harry.

Liam and Zayn are hitting it off rather well, while Louis is sitting here with his hands tugging his hair, debating if tonight's the night he’ll try to talk to Harry. He told himself if Niall goes off to chat with some bird, he will force himself to. But if he sticks by Harry’s side for the rest of the night, he won’t.

He’s going to do it no matter what. The only question is when?

Zayn’s showing Liam all his art on his phone, Louis just watching the two of them get along. He’s too stressed right now to be his normal self, joining in and giving his sarcastic comments about what he thinks of his work. Zayn doesn’t seem to be bothered by that, though. Of course not. He’s probably secretly glad Louis is for once not talking as much.

After a while of not sneaking a glance at Harry, he eventually gets himself to do so and once he sees that Niall is nowhere in sight, it makes his stomach sink. Shit. This is it, he told himself he had to go up to him once he was gone.

He sucks in a deep breath. May as well get this the fuck over with. He doesn’t bother telling the other two that he’s leaving because they’re too busy with the attention they’re getting from each other to notice anyways.

He’s shaking as he takes the steps toward him. _Just keep walking. Approach him, try to apologize and see what happens. This is something you’ve wanted to do for years now... since it fucking happened. Just get it over with._

He almost backs out as he reaches him, but instead he finds his voice and actually speaks to Harry. He’s nervous as he is close to him for the first time tonight, wishing he could just lean over and kiss those lips he loves so much.

“Hey,” he greets quietly. Too quietly for him. He doesn’t miss the way Harry’s body twitches and how his grip tightens around his drink. “Can we talk?”

Harry remains stiff for a second before turning toward him coldly. Well, at least he’s making eye contact now. Drinks always made him a little more confident than normal. Not as skittish, maybe. “No," is how he answers, strictly.

It’s funny because all Harry ever wanted to do before was talk with Louis. He cherished the way they held conversations since they understood each other like no one else. They got along so fucking well. It felt like no one else existed in the world, it was only them.

Now? He can see in his eyes how bad he wants Louis to actually not bother him with any conversation.

He didn’t expect this to be easy but he has to try. He’s been given this chance and he refuses to let it go. He wants to be able to explain himself. “I just really want to say—”

“I said _no_ ,” he snaps, interrupting him. His eyes are cold and dark as they sink into Louis’ skin. Oh shit. Who is this man? “I was planning on never seeing you again. So fuck off.”

His reaction makes sense. He can’t blame him for still being angry at Louis after all these years, but it’s just so strange seeing such harshness coming from someone like Harry.

Someone who is so fucking gentle and can’t hurt a soul. He’s standing up for himself and honestly, good for him, Louis can admit he’s impressed he’s acting this way. Normally he lets people walk over him but not now.

“Well things don’t always work out as they are planned, right?” He asks trying his best not to sound too snarky, trying to make a small joke instead. “You don’t even have to talk. Just let me do the talking. Please?”

Harry just shakes his head and stands up. He looks down on him and Jesus, he can’t believe how fucking tall he got. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. Leave me alone, Louis. I mean it,” he demands in a deep tone.

And just like that he storms past him. He doesn’t try to go after him because to be fair that isn’t the right thing to do. Harry is still hurt with what happened between them and he can’t expect him to easily let him apologize. Not after he waited three years to do it.

He really fucked up and he hates himself for it even more than he wanted to.

_****_

Harry is struggling. Ever since he came face to face with Louis that day, it’s like the world decided it’s going to be out to get him from here on out.

It all started this morning when he woke up late which is so unlike him. He doesn’t think there was ever a time that he did that, honestly. Not since he was a teenager at least.

Well, waking up late for Harry is still not technically _late_ , he supposes. Him waking up at the time he did this morning only meant that he wouldn’t be able to go on a jog like he normally does, before showering and then enjoying a cup of coffee. No, instead he had to settle for a quick breakfast and head out the door right after that.

He wasn’t late for class or anything. But still. It screwed up his usual routine he likes to have. He's going to blame Louis for his lack of sleep because he can't fucking get his mind to stop going. All he can think about is the fact Louis is across from him, attending the same school as him. Then he starts thinking about everything that happened with them that year, and it all just comes together at once. It's fucking horrible.

Anyways, his bad day continued when it came to his second lecture of the day, where he had Niall in it which wasn’t a surprise. But when he was walking up to sit by him, he ended up tripping and completely falling to the ground in front of everyone which was just fucking perfect. It didn’t help that Niall couldn’t stop laughing throughout basically the entire class period, stifling it as much as he could for the entire _hour_.

But of course, everything started to make sense when he walked into his last class of the day. The cherry on top, really. Because as he stepped foot into his film elective that he was forced to take, he noticed almost immediately that Louis was sitting in there (looking as effortless as ever, for fucks sake) scrolling through his phone. Right then and there he almost made a run for it, debating whether to drop out of it.

Two fucking years he never had a class with him. But of course this year, the same one where they become neighbors, they also decided to take the same elective. Why wouldn’t they? The world must really hate Harry all of a sudden. Seriously, why is this fucking happening?

He made sure to sit in front of the class to avoid Louis who was in the back, and he was doing a fine job at pretending he wasn’t there, that was, until the professor started to announce that they will have a huge project due at the end of the semester. This project, you will either do a very thorough analysis of a film or recreate a scene, therefore he gives a lot of time so you could get together with your partner to do whatever you end up choosing.

When he said that the partners will be assigned by alphabetical order, Harry knew he was screwed. He squeezed his eyes shut and prayed that someone there had a last name in between them, but with his luck, the professor ended up calling out Styles and then Tomlinson together. 

He didn’t dare glance back to see Louis’ reaction, but instead impatiently waited till the end of class to pack his things slowly as everyone piled out, only so he could take this as the chance to approach the professor which is what he's about to do right now.

“Hi. Um, Professor Stefan? I’m Harry Styles,” he introduces himself hoarsely, scratching at the back of his head. “I understand that I might sound a little ridiculous, but um... I was just sort of wondering if there is any way I could have a new partner for our project?”

Harry is not the type of person to ask anyone for favors like this, especially when it comes to something like school. So him making this move to ask his new professor this on the first day of class is really a way of showing how fucking badly he doesn’t want to be with Louis for this.

Professor Stefan raises his eyebrows unimpressed, gathering all his papers while not even picking his head up to glance at Harry which gives him his answer. “Can I ask why?”

Fuck. He wants to argue with him so badly, try to explain their past without going into any detail, but then comes to realize that it’s near impossible. This was a stupid idea. Louis makes him stupid. He starts shaking his head, clearing his throat. “Actually, never mind. I’m sorry for asking, sir. Sorry to um, bother you about that.”

He darts out of the room, mentally cursing himself and wanting to bash his head into the ground, bury himself six feet under. That want amplifies when he reaches the hallway, only to see Louis leaning against the wall waiting for him. He flinches just a little before he goes to walk past him but of course he won’t give it up that easily.

“Hey partner,” he greets in a mocking tone and Harry shoots him his best intimidating glare.

“Don’t call me that,” he snaps, feeling his heart start pounding against his chest.

He's still so fucking angry with him after all these years that it's easy to treat him like shit. Beforehand, Harry wouldn't ever come close to behaving this way. Louis happens to bring out the worst in him. 

It's just... he can't have Louis trying to apologize. Not now. He spent a couple months after his break up waiting for Louis to do that. He frequently checked his phone for any missed calls, head snapping toward the bakery door when it opened, hoping it'd be him. Anytime there was a knock at his door at home, he wanted to see Louis on the other side. 

But it never happened. And the split second he realized he was a fucking idiot for doing that, he blocked Louis on everything, and told himself that he will never listen to a word this boy has to say to him if they were to ever cross paths again. 

Which... he's trying to do. But Louis seems like he actually wants to keep trying. It's so fucking selfish of him, honestly. Because can't he see what he’s doing to Harry mentally right now? This is seriously fucking with his head having him near him out of nowhere.

When Louis, Niall, and their other roommate Zayn, came to his room this weekend, he seriously thought he was going to faint. Having to sit there, with Louis so fucking close to him, was absolutely _awful_. He didn’t know if he wanted to scream or cry. Or both. Maybe punch him? No, he would never do that to Louis. He's not a violent person.

Anyways, it didn’t help that apparently he mentioned to them that they knew each other. But it didn’t seem like he implied that they were anything special because they were basically acting as if nothing was abnormal about them hanging out. Although, he did notice that Zayn seemed a bit worried for Louis at times, while Niall on the other hand was completely clueless. He wonders if he at least told Zayn about them and he can't help but also be curious about how close those two are. 

They did seem a bit touchy which... no. No. He knows they're not dating. Niall's big mouth would have said something if they were. But what if they are still... together in someway? 

Shit. None of that matters. Really, he doesn't give a shit about who he's with. Harry is in his own happy relationship with Greyson. 

Liam as well asked him the next day if he wanted to talk about whatever was wrong since he noticed himself, but of course he declined. Why would he want to retell that story? He’s already spent too much time dwelling on the past and doing his best to forget Louis, and now he’s going to be forced to be around him. So no, he doesn’t want to talk about it any more than he has to.

“Well that’s what we are, aren’t we?” Louis insists, clearly having no fucking boundaries which is only pissing him off more. They aren’t friends, not in the slightest, he shouldn’t be messing around with him right now.

“Louis. I’m fucking serious. Don’t talk to me.” He doesn't want to hear anything he has to say to him. He has been doing fine without him, he doesn't need him in his life again.

He continues walking but Louis isn’t giving up as he feels him trailing behind him. What the hell is wrong with him? No means fucking no. “You’re lucky you have me as a partner. Me being such an amazing actor and all, there’s no doubt that we won’t get a good mark on this project and that will be all because of—”

He cannot handle this. He refuses to listen to him any longer, especially if he’s trying to act like nothing is seriously wrong here. “I thought you were moving far the fuck away from me like you had planned,” he snaps, not even meaning to say that, really. He spins around to actually face him. “What happened to that? Why are you _here_?”

He supposes that this is something Harry needs to know. He isn't planning on talking with him, so while Louis is bothering him now, may as well get this question out of the way so they can move on. It's just... not once did Louis ever mention coming to Leeds. Never. All he did was talk about how excited he was to go to London, getting away from everyone and finally be able to enjoy theatre there without the worry of his friends judging him for what he loves doing. He simply doesn’t understand.

Louis’ face pales at that but he gathers himself impressively quick. “Things changed. I took a year off and—”

Stunned, Harry interrupts him again. Because what? “Hold up. Wait. You were off an entire _year_? Jesus, I always knew you were fucking lazy but really? Why would you do that?” He asks while shaking his head, disapproving. He wants to insult him so he continues quickly. “You’re always changing your mind, aren’t you? All you do is change your mind and then fuck people over in the process to do whatever will make you happy in the moment. Always so fucking selfish, you are.”

He’s held onto too much anger for too long. It’s bound for him to try and hurt Louis back, especially since Harry has gained this new capability of finally being able to confront people. For whatever reason, what happened between them, it definitely helped him become more confident with that.

Because he refuses to ever feel the way that Louis made him feel that night ever again.

This finally gets Louis to break and stop acting nice in hopes of getting them to talk again. He can see it wash over his face with his own hatred and _good_. He wants him to not want to be around Harry anymore to make this easier on himself.

“Stop talking to me like that,” he says as his eyes darken. “You don't fucking know anything about me."

He huffs out an unbelieved laugh because really? They knew everything about each other. Absolutely everything. Maybe that was until Louis betrayed him and broke his heart, showing the person he truly was, but still. He knows more than he wants to. “Oh. You're right, sorry. I _clearly_ didn't know you as well as I thought I did."

They both know what he's referring to, and instead of Louis looking hurt, he just looks more angry. He takes a step closer and Harry takes a step back. "We're fucking adults now, Harry. I’m trying to fucking talk to you and move on but you just want to hold onto that... teenage fucking anger. Grow up.”

Harry clenches his jaw. “I have every right to be angry with you still.” He can't believe what he's hearing. Does he seriously think it would be that easy to forgive him? After what he did to Harry?

Something in Louis just snapped, as he looks completely antsy and on edge. He hopes that he is feeling that guilt all over again, realizing how wrong he is right now for even trying to talk to him. “Fine," he snaps, gritting his teeth together. And then childishly, he gives Harry a mocking smile. "I mean, hey, at least you can finally stick up for yourself. Glad to see that part of you has changed.”

He shakes his head. He knows that he always had trouble with that, that it was something that seriously got in the way of his life when he tried so hard to overcome it. He has no more energy to fight, not as he thinks back to his old self thanks to him. “Fuck you.”

“That’s all you got?” He asks, raising an eyebrow and God damn it, Louis.

He's just going to accept the loss here because he doesn't want to talk to him any longer. “You’re such a dick,” he mumbles, walking away without another word, realizing how pissed he is at the fact he gave so much of his heart to him at one point of his life. 

But everybody makes mistakes, don't they? Louis just happens to be Harry's biggest one.

_****_

**July 2015**

“Okay, I’m off,” his mum announces as she enters the backroom where Harry is currently sitting, scribbling down notes in his journal. “You’re going to train the new hire all night and then show him how we close up.”

Harry rolls his eyes, shutting his journal and sticking it in his apron pocket. “I know, mum. You’ve told me a hundred times by now.” This causes her to smack him on the back of the head, making him huff out a laugh. “Geez, alright. Sorry.”

“Don’t scare him away. He’s a funny boy, and I can see he’s going to win over a lot of customers. Go out there and introduce yourself. I’ll see you at home,” she explains as she kisses the spot she just hit, throwing him one playful wink before she heads out.

He smiles to himself because there is no one he loves more than his mum. They’ve had their family bakery since before he was born, and he’s always basically lived here. There’s nothing he loves more than spending time in this place, even after all these years.

He probably likes it so much because it’s quiet and easy. Perfect for someone like Harry who enjoys being alone, simply helping the sweet customers who come in. Also, there's something about waking up at the crack of dawn to start baking different breads and muffins and whatever else that just makes him feel more than content.

When his mum let him know they were hiring a student from his school for the summer to work with him, he wasn’t all that thrilled. Because now he’s going to have to get to know this person, and this is a problem since Harry isn’t the best at making friends.

Literally. He’s 16 years old and only has _one_ friend. And it might be pathetic to anyone else, but Harry loves it. He doesn’t mind not having many people in his life, as crazy as that might sound.

He’s just so fucking sensitive. Having less people in your life prevents yourself from getting hurt in the long run by anyone. So yeah, that’s basically why. He’s fine keeping himself company.

He sighs as he forcefully stands up, not really wanting to introduce himself to this new worker and show him everything. He knows his mum is purposely doing this to him because she is so consistent on the fact that Harry needs more friends.

News flash. He doesn’t.

He pushes the door open to walk outside, and once he turns his head to the side, he spots the new hire leaning against the glass, scrolling through his phone. When he puts it together that he recognizes that face, he instantly feels his heart fall into his stomach. Because that is Louis Tomlinson... standing right there. And... holy fuck. _Louis Tomlinson_ is the new summer hire. The person he’s going to be working alone with for the rest of break.

Louis is a year above him, pretty popular among everyone because of his captivating personality. Everyone basically knows him and adores him, as he just has the sun shining over his head. Especially in theatre, which is where Harry first saw him when he went with Nick, his only friend, to watch the school play his first year at school.

Let’s just say that since then, Harry has noticed him a lot in the halls, unable to take his eyes off him whenever he was around him since he might have a bloody crush on him. It’s pathetic, really.

The second Louis turns his way, it sends him into some sort of frenzy, not thinking anything through before he acts. He spins back around and tries to go back into the breakroom (to what? Maybe hide?? Harry doesn’t know.) But since he was trying to get away too quickly, he forgets that you need to _pull_ the door to go back in. Not push.

So of course, he slams his head into the hard door, making his vision go blurry for a moment from the painful contact. Holy _shit_ , did that hurt.

Also, not the first impression he wanted to give Louis, exactly.

“Woah, are you okay?” He asks as Harry brings his hand to his forehead to rub it, wobbling backwards. He forces himself to glance over in a daze, realizing how much of an idiot he just made himself seem. Seriously, what was _that?_ Louis is clearly trying to hold his laughter in, turning red as he contains himself.

“I think I just gave myself a concussion,” he mumbles absentmindedly, apparently that being a green light as Louis finally lets out his laugh.

“You should probably ice that. It sounded like it hurt,” Louis admits, coughing into his fist to try and stop laughing. “Want me to get it for you?”

Harry blinks, pulling his hand away from his forehead. “Erm, no. I’m fine. I reckon.”

“You reckon?” Louis questions, quirking up an amused eyebrow at him. God damn it, he’s not going to make it out of here alive tonight.

“Yeah. I reckon. Now let’s just start the training so we can get it over with. I don’t want to be here all night,” he speaks way too fast, still far too embarrassed about what happened. He doesn’t want to talk about it ever again so that's his attempt of changing the subject.

Louis clearly is beyond entertained at this flustered Harry, laughing again and nodding his head. “Alright then. I’m Louis, by the way. Nice to meet you, Concussed Curly.”

Harry frowns, too distracted by his pretty eyes. “Concussed what?”

He shrugs. “From what I can see, you’ve just given yourself a concussion, like you mentioned, because you tried to run away after you saw me... which I _will_ be asking you about. And you’ve got a head full of curly hair. Therefore, I’m going to be calling you Concussed Curly.”

Oh fuck. He figured someone like Louis isn’t afraid to confront people the way he just did, but confronting someone like Harry?? Absolutely not, he’s going to be an anxious mess around him. He can already tell this is awful. Thanks for nothing, mum.

“My name is Harry,” he corrects, feeling his cheeks turning pink. "Please don’t call me that.”

Louis holds up his hands in defense before stuffing them into his jean pockets. “Alright then. Should we get to training, baker boy? I'm sure I've got a lot to learn," he teases as he winks at him.

His knees start buckling at the wink, not knowing how to react. He's seriously going to give himself a heart attack by being around Louis like this, the fucking boy he's secretly admired from afar for two whole years. “...it’s Harry," he mutters weakly. Damn it, his head is starting to hurt from when he hit it.

“That’s what I said.”

Harry sucks in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for whatever the hell working with someone like Louis Tomlinson is about to bring him. 

Little does he know what’s to come.


	3. three

“You’ve never mentioned Harry before, but now all of a sudden that he’s our neighbor, you want to hang around him all the time,” Louis whines, running a hand down his face as Niall gets back from harassing both Liam and Harry to come to their flat for drinks.

He doesn’t know what is going on with Niall, but apparently, he is really keen on them five all becoming friends now. Of course, that is, for Louis’ luck. Fucking Niall.

Harry wants nothing to do with him. Absolutely nothing. He made that clear twice now, and Louis should accept it but... he doesn’t want to. He just wants the chance to straight up tell Harry that everything that took place that night was all a misunderstanding. That he also purposely hurt Harry because _he_ hurt him without even realizing it.

It was selfish of him. It was an excuse because he was just so mad at Harry at the time, that he didn't care what he ended up saying to him that night. Fuck, he just wants Harry to know the truth before it literally eats him alive.

“Because Harry was always too shy to do anything outside of class. But now he lives right there so I can easily force him. I love the lad, he’s absolutely hysterical without even trying,” Niall admits as he finds the number for the pizza delivery on his phone. "I"m surprised you two never really talked, especially if you worked together. To me, it seems like you two would be friendly."

Ha. Little does he know.

But yeah. Niall really is forcing those two to hang out with all of them, and it seems as if he's going to try and make this a frequent thing. Apparently he convinced them to come over in a bit unfortunately enough. Louis already grabbed a beer because he refuses to be sober tonight. Especially if Zayn is going to be arriving late, not being there to save him, since he’s out somewhere drawing something.

That’s something he does a lot. He sort of wanders off, finding a spot to get his work done. He explains that Niall and him are too distracting, so he likes to get away from them when he needs to finish something. He can’t say he blames him for that, they are a rather loud bunch.

Thinking back to what Niall just said about Harry being hysterical, he can’t help but agree. He has something about him, the way he talks, which is so... fuck, it’s one of the main things he loved about him. The way he would blurt out the most ridiculous sayings, not even aware of how funny they were. Louis would be in tears listening to him. He has such a natural charm.

“Alright then," is what he ends up replying, finding it best to not even argue with him at this point.

“Besides, I never really address my friends by names. I simply refer to them as my friend. I have too many people I talk to, sometimes I forget which story is about who, to be honest. It’s just easier. I've told you and Zayn plenty of stories about Harry, I'm sure. But he was probably labeled as my friend from class, and that's that.”

Louis rolls his eyes because that sounds like Niall. He talks to anyone who is around him, which is sort of like Louis, but maybe not as extreme. Niall is just... Niall.

He also can't help but wonder what stories he told Louis about him. Ones that if he were to hear now, along with his name in them, he'd instantly be like yup. That is definitely _my Harry_.

And right. Nope. He's not _my Harry_ anymore. He hasn't been for years, and he's probably never going to be that again. Fuck. It shouldn't hurt this bad, but it does. When he comes to that realization, it simply always stings. It truly does.

When Niall orders the pizza, he gets cheese and Louis almost tells him that Harry likes mushrooms on his. That he hates the taste of it plain, but then remembers if he said that, he'd be giving away too much. At least, he thinks it’d give away too much. Because if they weren’t close, how the hell would he know his favorite pizza toppings? Out of all things?

Louis takes a large chug from his beer, hoping that he can black out and forget everything about Harry.

About an hour after that is when Harry and Liam arrive. He’s got enough alcohol in his system to openly look Harry up and down as he walks in, taking in how lovely the boy looks, like always. He apparently dressed himself up a bit more, wearing a buttoned up shirt and patterned trousers... actually, no. This is a normal fit for him. Harry always loved expressing himself when it came to clothes.

He’d tell Louis how he’s a bit shy (where he would tease him and be like _you? Shy? No way!_ And Harry would blush and burst into laughter, swatting his hand at Louis) but at least he can somewhat show who he would like to be through something as silly as styling his clothes together. He thought if he was quiet, maybe his outfit could at least give off some personality with bright colors or patterns.

As always, Louis was charmed by how this boy thinks, the way his brain works. It’s just... he was _so_ fucking sweet. Everything he did, how he acted. It warmed his heart and made it grow three times larger. He loved being around him because as stupid as it sounds, he truly made Louis feel like a good person. He made Louis feel like he could as well be himself around him. Something that he wasn't able to be around his so called friends at time.

When he thinks about this he starts to frown, and that’s when Harry gazes at Louis, his green eyes instantly darkening in distaste. Louis can’t help it as he rolls his eyes because really? Does he have to prove to him that he hates him that bad? Not wanting to see that, he glances back toward the new telly that just came in yesterday that is playing some random sitcom he’s never heard about.

“The pizza should be here soon. Please, take a seat. I promise Louis doesn’t bite,” Niall teases, pushing Liam lightly toward the couch.

Louis isn't in the mood to be charming or funny. “I will if I have to,” he mutters, feeling Harry’s eyes once again burning into him knowing that is directed toward him.

He has no right to be annoyed with Harry. Absolutely none. It’s just... _fuck_ , he cannot help it. All of this could be forgotten if he knew the truth. It would take five fucking minutes to explain to him everything, and Harry wouldn’t hate him as much as he does right now. At least he doesn't think he would. See, he can't know anything until Harry lets him _speak_. 

Knowing that Harry truly despises him is absolutely horrible. It’s hurting him more than he wants to admit, and yes, he was more than aware that he would feel this way toward him after all these years, but being around him to witness it is painful. Seeing how he looks at him, how his body tenses, hearing him snap at him. It’s not fun.

Before, Harry was a breath of fresh air when they were together. He was full of life, and _so_ fucking happy to be around him. He’d grab Louis’ hand, drag him with him through the gardens and force him to fall into the flowers with him. They’d laugh until they cried, kiss until their mouths went numb. Everything was so perfect between them, so fucking easy.

Now it’s all fucked.

“That was a joke,” Niall explains for Louis, making Liam laugh. He wonders if Harry told him anything. It doesn't seem like he did if he's still being friendly with him, though. "He loves being dramatic."

“Got to live up to the theatre antics, right?” Liam jokes, but Louis only scoffs as he drinks from his beer.

He grins, peering at Liam over his bottle. He sits next to him, Harry awkwardly going to sit on the ground next to the coffee table as Niall joins him. “Afraid so.”

_****_

Once again, just like the night last weekend where they went to their flat, it’s rather awkward. Not as bad, thankfully, but there’s bound to be some weirdness to the atmosphere no matter what, thanks to Harry and Louis.

Harry has been talking more tonight, but that’s only thanks to Niall as he directs most of his conversations toward him. They talk more about what they’re doing, how Niall wants to seriously work within the music industry someway, while Harry is studying for music education.

This catches Louis by surprise, because he always thought Harry wanted to be a songwriter. He loved writing songs, just hated performing them. He was too shy to share anything he made in front of a live audience, so he thought if he got the chance to write music, he’d be more than happy doing that.

But a teacher? That’s new. He can tell Harry avoids his curious glance as he talks about it.

It makes him sad. There are so many things about each other that they don't now anymore. Before, they knew fucking everything. All they did was talk, and there wasn't a thing that they didn't know. As much as they were boyfriends, they were also each others best fucking friends. Louis never had a friend like him before, and he promised himself that he'd try and always hold onto that. 

He failed both himself and Harry.

Soon enough, Zayn waddles through the door and Louis feels as if he’s being saved. Seriously. At least now he'll have someone he can talk with, instead of just listening to everyone else tell their own stories. Excitedly, he stands up with wide arms. He is drunk now after all. “Zayn! Fucking _finally_!” Does he sound a bit pathetic? Sure, but he can't seem to care. He loves his Zayn.

Quickly, Zayn gives him an FML, before glancing around the room and taking everyone in. He wasn’t aware that this was happening, so of course he’s going to be a bit lost. “Oh. Hey Liam. Hey Harry," he mutters softly, cheeks reddening as he glances down at his messy outfit.

“Where were you hiding?” Liam asks, a rather big and goofy smile coming across his face. Also, that almost sounded a bit... flirty? This causes Louis to get mad, because no. Zayn is Louis’ friend, he doesn’t want Liam and Zayn, who happens to be Harry’s fucking roommate, to become too close. He could already tell that was happening at the pub.

So he walks over to Zayn, throwing an arm around him and kissing his cheek. “My boy needed peace and quiet to get his work done which obviously wouldn’t be found here.”

Zayn shoves Louis off, clearly in a bad mood. He's normally pissy after he spends the entire day drawing, claims that he needs someone to crack his back afterwards, give him a nice massage. “Stop being annoying.”

“Someone needs a cuddle,” he acknowledges, watching Zayn drop all his materials by the door before he grabs his hand and brings him to the couch with him. “We’ve got pizza just for you.”

“Sure,” Zayn muffles, falling down with him and resting his arm on Louis’ shoulder. He reeks of weed, nothing new. “I didn’t know we were having company tonight otherwise I would have worn my nice jeans.”

Louis glances down at his worn out jeans, the ones he always wears when he’s painting. They got all sorts of colors smeared on them, clearly indicating what he does in his life. They are his favorite Zayn pants, honestly. They are just so him and to be fair, really fucking sick.

He places his hand on his thigh, squeezing it. “You still look as good as ever, babe.”

This gets Zayn to smile into his pizza, and then they fall into conversation easily after that. Thank God for his arrival, because Louis doesn’t know if he would have been able to survive any longer listening to the other three talk.

As the night goes on, they sort of switched, as it’s now the four of them constantly talking and sharing beers, the four being Louis, Zayn, Liam, and Niall. Harry became more quiet, and he could feel him staring at Louis for a majority of it which was... weird. It was mostly when Zayn and him were interacting, probably curious about how close they are.

Harry always kept an intense eye on him whenever they were around other people. He never expressed himself verbally, only would do it through his eyes. It’s still strange though, because if he wants nothing to do with him, why would he be so consistent on watching his every move with Zayn?

Noticing this, it only made Louis want to touch him more. It was the only way to apparently get any attention from Harry.

It felt even better purposely not looking up to meet his eye, only feeling them on him. Fuck, he’s just drunk and is still extremely pissed at Harry so he’s acting like a child. Nothing has changed there, apparently.

Shame on him. But also, whatever. Right now he's enjoying it too much.

He doesn’t know when it happens, probably after they’ve had enough beers, but eventually they are all on the floor, coffee table pushed out of the way as they sit in a circle, exchanging more random stories. For the most part, it's just Zayn, Liam, and Niall telling their own, as Louis and Harry listen. They probably both don't want to talk about themselves while the other one is here. At least that how's Louis feels. He doesn't want Harry to know what he's been up to these past couple years. It's not like he cares anyways.

Louis lays in Zayn’s lap, Harry still glaring at him behind his beer bottle. He can’t help it as he smiles to himself knowingly, feeling pleased that Harry isn’t able to stop watching them interact. Because of this, he starts feeling more brave, really ready to challenge Harry if the opportunity comes.

Which it does. It's when Niall brings up a story about one of his ex-girlfriend's that he had, which for some reason only causes Louis to become angry, and that's because it reminds him too much of Harry and him. Like, _way_ too much.

And since he’s extremely drunk now, he doesn’t even care to bring up anything in front of the other boys. Instead, he’s only encouraged. Not a good mix.

“Yeah, she was definitely not the type of person to piss off,” Niall laughs, shaking his head and leaning back in his seat. “I learned my lesson. I don’t understand why she was so fucking mad at me for something I didn’t even do, though. Annoying.”

Right. Mad at him for something he didn’t even do.

He sighs, Zayn’s hand that was playing in his hair freezing, probably becoming aware that Louis is about to open his big mouth. “Sometimes people will react like fucking bastards before they even know the full story,” he announces, feeling everyone bring their attention toward him.

It’s quiet for a while because everyone is clearly a bit confused. Well, everyone besides Harry, that is. It takes a moment, but he speaks up for the first time in what feels like forever.

“Sometimes people have fucking eyes," he remarks, a bit childishly. It's probably because he's taken back at the fact he's willingly bringing up their past now, even if it is indirectly.

Louis only laughs, shaking his head because again. No. Harry is wrong. “Sometimes people want to hold grudges just to feel powerful,” Louis suggests bravely with a shrug, knowing it’ll cut right through Harry. “Even when they’re not.”

He doesn’t bother glancing up but he can already feel Harry’s eyes pouring into him. Before anyone else can say anything, Harry’s quick to jump in. “Sometimes...” he begins in a low voice, clearly really bothered at what Louis just said. “...people do shitty things that _shouldn't_ be forgiven.”

Now he has to see his expression. When he picks his head up, Harry is peering at him through his heavy lids, jaw clenched tightly as he narrows in on him. Younger Harry would have just sat there and took it but not this one. Not now.

And still to this day Louis won’t back down, lucky for him. “Sometimes people don't realize they are just as much in the wrong as the other.”

Harry blinks and seems beyond shocked and irritated with what Louis just admitted. Like yes, Louis is more to blame than anyone, there’s no doubt about that. But he’s still hurt and wants Harry to think he’s more innocent than he thinks he is.

Which... he might be, actually. He doesn’t know anymore. If Harry would only let him fucking explain, then maybe he could decide for himself if he should keep blaming himself the way he has been.

The only thing he did wrong was saying those things he didn’t mean, in order to hurt Harry. _That_ was where he completely fucked up. Especially when he didn’t fight harder. But Harry thinks there is way more to the story, that he did something that he would _never_ do. Never. 

“Sometimes people refuse to accept the full blame,” he says through his gritted teeth. “When they are clearly the only fucking ones to blame.” His voice is getting louder and more angry.

Louis rolls his eyes, not bothered at all by his attempt at being intimidating. “Sometimes people are childish and refuse to move the fuck on. Or, better yet, let the other person fucking explain.”

This doesn’t go by Harry as smoothly as he wished it would. “Sometimes people are fucking cowards,” he snaps way too harshly, causing the air in the room to go completely stiff. “And that’s all they’ll ever be.”

Three years later and he is still calling Louis a coward.

And he is so fucking sick of it.

He’s not really thinking as he ends up lunging himself at Harry. What is his motive when he gets on top of him? He’s not sure, but all he knows is he’s shoving him backwards onto the ground and attempting to pin his wrists to the side so he could just fucking yell in his face. Tell him he's wrong.

But another thing he wasn’t able to think through before this, is that he forgot how much bigger and stronger Harry has gotten. Before he gets a good hold on him to pin him to the ground like he wants to, so he can let it all out, he’s being spun around.

He grunts as he lands on his back, ignoring the slight pain and quickly placing his hand on Harry’s face, trying to push it away from him while being greeted with the feeling of his warm lips wetting his palm, smushed up against the skin and teeth (which... gross.)

Regardless, he won’t let Harry win this. He can’t. Especially not after he's the one that started this.

The face pushing isn’t helping because Harry quickly grabs onto his wrists tightly, shoving them into the ground and making him have to squirm. He ends up kneeing Harry in the groin, allowing him the chance to once again have the advantage as he winces in pain.

It’s an awkward tussling between their bodies and nothing is really actually happening. They both would never actually hit each other, so a weak wrestling match will have to do.

He pushes Harry off of him and tries to get back on top so he can actually hold him to the ground this time round, but he’s stopped because arms are wrapped around his waist. He still tries to grab at Harry who hits his hands away, when the arms holding him pull him from him completely.

He tries squirming out of it but it’s nearly impossible. He can see it’s Zayn from the tattoos, and he drags them both back and they fall onto the sofa together. “Let me go, you fucking prick,” he snaps but he keeps a hold on him despite his best efforts.

Harry jumps to his feet and glares at Louis like he’s never looked at him before. He didn't even look at him this way that night. His hair is all disheveled, falling into his eyes and his cheeks are extremely flushed by now. He’s breathing heavily, nostrils flaring and he doesn’t attempt to leave the flat just yet without another word.

“Fuck you, Louis,” he snaps, clearly shocked that he literally just _attacked_ him. “Is it still that hard for you to admit that you are a horrible, selfish person? I was hoping after all those years you’d realize such and change but you’re only the same. I almost feel bad for you,” he admits while shaking his head slowly, angry slowing down and turning into just plain hurt. “Just... please. Leave me alone.”

Just like that he turns away and heads out the door. He slams it shut behind him, leaving the three of them alone. Louis is still panting, trying to catch his breath, Zayn continuing to hold him. Niall and Liam stare at him with wide eyes from the floor, not knowing what to say or do.

Fuck, why did he just do that? He didn’t even realize what he was doing until he was fucking on top of him.

He groans, suddenly angry and disappointed in himself as he throws his face in his hands. That’s when Niall decides to finally speak up.

“So you guys did know each other better than you made it seem? What the hell did you do to him?” He asks, sounding completely baffled. “I’ve never seen Harry actually hate someone before. I didn't even know he _could_ hate someone, honestly.”

Louis shakes his head, not wanting to hear shit from him. He stands up, escaping Zayn's hold because he refuses to be confronted by them three. Especially Niall because he won’t shut up until he gets answers which Louis will _not_ be giving him. “I can’t do this now. Just leave me the fuck alone, alright?” He snaps, turning around and heading straight into his bedroom.

He slams the door shut and falls to the ground. All this pain because of a misunderstanding. One stupid, fucking huge misunderstanding.

_****_

Not only does Louis feel like shit because he’s hungover, but because he can’t stop thinking about how he reacted when Harry called him pathetic, and then what he said about Louis afterwards. Jesus, everything seemed to take place so fast that he didn't even realize it did until it was over. Of course he regretted it, but what else is new about his life?

He woke up to an empty flat, not knowing at all where Niall and Zayn disappeared to. He doesn't really care, because it gave him a chance to not be confronted by the two about last night. He can tell that the second he sees them, they are going to try and get him to talk which he _won't_ be doing. He doesn't want to tell them that story, not at all. He doesn't want his only two close friends here to judge him for it.

He does have a work shift soon and instead of leaving, he’s been pacing outside of Harry’s door for about five minutes now. He wants to fucking get it over with already. Maybe he can just blurt it out, not listening to Harry rejecting him.

He sucks in a deep breath, having far too bad of a headache for this. He stops in front of the door finally, gathering up all the courage he has left, knocking on it rather hard. He can only hope that Harry is the one that opens up and not Liam.

He just feels really bad. He hasn’t been approaching this situation the right way at all. Well, to be fair, he hasn’t been around Harry that much since they moved across from each other, but still... each time they _have_ been together, he’s been an idiot.

The reason for that is because he’s so fucking nervous. He believes he finally has the chance to somewhat be okay with Harry again, and he keeps screwing it up. Maybe if he goes about it more calmly, and really tries to seem sincere, he will listen.

He might’ve come off a bit too aggressive at first. Right? Is that the problem? He truly thinks Harry could give him the chance to talk at the perfect moment.

At least he hopes so.

Eventually the door opens and Harry’s eyes immediately darken at the sight of Louis. Truthfully, he doesn’t seem too surprised at the sight of him. He crosses his arms and leans against the doorway, sighing loudly. “What do you want now, Louis? Came to attack me again?”

He laughs nervously, knowing how he acted last night was... well, really childish. He scratches at the back of his neck, trying to think of the best way to go about this. Again. “Can I come in to talk?”

Harry frowns, still beyond intent on not giving in on anything. He expected as much, quite frankly. “No. I already told you, literally ten times by now—”

“Look,” he interrupts in the softest voice he can manage, trying to look sweet. “I know you don’t want anything to do with me. I get it. But you still haven’t let me talk. I’m not saying that you have to let me back into your life the second I’m done, but I just... I need to talk to you about... it. Please.”

Harry huffs, shaking his head. He seems disturbed, almost. “It?”

Okay, maybe not the best way he could have worded that. “Yeah. Please? Can I come in? Just this once?”

He seems to be actually considering and Louis becomes almost pathetically excited, but that’s quickly forced to an end when Harry speaks up. “If you actually feel guilty about _it_ , then you will leave me alone like I want you to. We’ll see each other through Zayn, Niall and Liam, fine, but we aren’t becoming friends again. And I don’t care about what you have to say. I don’t want to hear it. Too much time has passed, it’s too late now to try and fix it.”

Louis’ temper immediately starts rising again. God damn it. Why can't he have more control over himself? His mouth just loves to open and spit out words before he can really process them through his mind properly. “I tried. You had me fucking blocked, Harry. What was I supposed to do about that, huh?”

Sure, he wasn’t calling him at the time to apologize. No. He was calling him because he was hurting about his mum, but he understands that if Harry and him were to reunite then, eventually he would have been able to let out everything. He could have told him after all of that.

But again. He wasn’t able to.

This seems to catch Harry off guard. His entire face falls at the realization, but quickly he composes himself. “It was too late,” he repeats, quietly, like he almost doesn’t want to say it.

He tightens his jaw, ready to take out his anger on him like always. Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen. He was supposed to remain calm.

“I had a lot of things going on in my life at the time, you know. It kind of sucked trying to reach out to you to try and apologize so we could at least be friends again, to be hit with the knowledge that you blocked me on everything. If you wanted me to apologize so bad, then why the fuck did you do that? Why would you—”

“Oh, give me a break,” Harry laughs, interrupting him. “ _You_ had a lot going on in your life? Sure you did. Poor little Louis, am I right? Because this is entirely _my_ fault. _I’m_ the one who ruined our perfectly fine relationship. Then, once I realized I was a fucking dick, I only tried to apologize months later, and then gave up _again_. Yeah. It was all me," he snips sarcastically and bitterly, face paling as he says all of that. He pauses, hesitating before continuing. "You know, if you came to my door... I might’ve listened to you. But you didn’t try hard enough. You always give up so fucking easily and... just _no_. No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”

Louis blinks, taking a step back because he can’t blame Harry for anything. He’s right, is the thing. Sure, he has no idea about his mum, but he can’t use her as an excuse because it isn’t one. He could have gone to Harry’s house, or the bakery, and tried to talk to him there. Texting or calling isn’t always enough, just like he said. He could have apologized to his face, try to explain himself that way. It still would have been months after it happened, but it would have been better than nothing. Better than this.

He just doesn’t want to admit that he was wrong. He was always the one being wrong in their relationship, and fucking everything up. He hates admitting that.

“Okay,” he responds weakly, nodding his head. There's no point in fighting anymore. He doesn't want to further upset Harry, after seeing how his face dropped as he let all of that out to him just now. “Fine. I’m sorry. I won’t bother you anymore. I guess we’ll just see each other around then.”

Harry seems startled as he actually gives in. He returns a quick nod to him, not saying anything more as he heads back in his flat, closing the door behind him. He does that without any hesitation.

“Damn it,” Louis curses to himself, pounding a fist to his head as he begins to make his way to go to work. He’s not in the fucking mood to go there, especially because now he’s going to be late (which isn’t anything new, but regardless.)

He knows the second he walks into that cafe today, he’s going to just let it all out to Logan. Because Logan, that motherfucker is an amazing listener. Sure, there’s always Zayn (Niall is questionable) but he just feels better telling his story with Harry to someone he doesn’t actually live with. Also, he doesn't want to risk his best friends looking at him differently. Logan... he could maybe live with that. 

Another thing, Logan has no idea who Harry is. He’s told Logan stories about Harry, yeah, but never using specific details or names. He just knows him as a friend from back home in Sheffield.

Which ha. He wishes he was only a friend.

He has to sprint to work like he normally does, barging in the door once he arrives, getting the usual startled looks from current customers, and the same old amused face from Logan.

But once Logan takes in Louis’ demeanor, all humor drops and he frowns since he’s good at reading Louis whenever he’s in one of his shitty moods. “You good there, Louis?”

He shakes his head, storming behind the counter. “Has today been busy?” He asks, preparing himself for his next sentence. “Because I have a lot of shit I want to get off my chest, and you’re going to be the lucky person hearing the end of it, if you'd let me.”

Logan blinks, shrugging and leaning against the counter. It's not like Louis to come in here ready to pour his heart out, but he doesn't seem too alarmed with the fact. It probably makes sense, someone who holds something in for so long, wanting to finally let it all out. Logan isn't one to judge. “Not really. You should be good doing so,” he answers gently, frown deepening. “Seriously though, are you okay?”

Louis washes his hands, clenching his jaw while all his emotions strangle him. Fuck, it’s really hitting him right now that Harry Styles, the love of his life, is his neighbor, and absolutely fucking hates him.

It’s an awful feeling. Absolutely fucking awful.

He sighs, turning back to Logan once he’s finished. “It’s a really long fucking story.”

Logan nods rapidly, probably preparing himself for whatever Louis is about to say. “Okay. I’ll make us tea.”


	4. four

As soon as the professor is done lecturing them and dismisses the class, Harry darts up from his seat where he was right next to Niall, trying to escape the menace himself.

Because apparently Louis isn’t talking. He hasn’t told Niall or Zayn what happened between them. And if Louis doesn’t want to talk, he won’t. Harry on the other hand, it’s easier to get anything out of him. Even if he doesn’t want to. Niall of course knows this, and ever since their weird fucking wrestling match, he’s been pestering him like crazy.

He was able to ignore him all last week, excusing himself and pretending he was talking to Greyson on the phone whenever the chance was there, but Niall quickly caught onto that, and now he’s basically chasing Harry through campus to get answers. Especially after they all hung out again this past weekend, even after everything that already took place.

So it’s no surprise when Niall sprints to catch up with him, panting as he reaches him. Harry jumps, glaring at him from the side. “Jesus, slow down,” he breathes, extending over to grab his forearm. “Fuck, you move fast." 

"Maybe you're just out of shape," Harry mutters, fixing the straps on his backpack.

Niall shoves him, making him stumble as he starts to cross his arms. "Don't be fucking rude. And you know I’m going to force you to tell me one way or another because Louis isn’t fucking budging.”

Harry shakes his head curtly, bringing his attention to the ground he walks on. He stares at his favorite boots because they're nicer to look at. It’s a lot easier to try and avoid this conversation if he isn’t staring into Niall’s pleading eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Niall lets go of him, almost appearing as if he’s actually going to give up, until he opens his mouth again. Damn it. “You know. When we went out to the pub, that tension between the two of you was... well, I’ve never seen Louis deflate like that, to be honest.”

He sighs, really wishing that he didn't bring that up right now. He squeezes his eyes shut as he thinks back to the exact moment he’s referring to.

They were at a table together with their drinks, when Greyson called him and he went outside to take it, excusing himself. When he came back after about five minutes, Niall instantly glanced up to him, waggling his eyebrows in a flirtatious way.

“Greyson, was it?”

He nodded, sitting back down next to him and grabbing his drink. Greyson just wanted to check in on him, and the conversation was sort of shitty, but he tried to not think much of it. It’s harder for them to be in contact when they are both at school, but once they are together in person, everything is better.

See, the problem is, Greyson never really picks up when Harry calls him because he's always so busy. Harry on the other hand, will drop everything no matter what to answer him. That's only because they don't really get the chance to talk much, and he'll take the opportunity to do so whenever it is there. 

Greyson simply has a lot of studying to do since he is a nursing major, but then... he has his own group of friends at uni that he spends a lot of time with in which Harry is _not_ jealous or pissed off about. He's not. He's got no reason to because he _actually_ trusts him. He's met Greyson's friends before, and he took a liking to all of them. None of them seemed to have bad intentions with him (besides Mia maybe. But whatever). 

Of course though, he constantly thinks back to how he trusted Louis with his entire life and he ended up betraying him in the worst way possible. So he has every right he thinks to be a bit worried at times. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with that. 

It still sucks though. He doesn't like to be this anxious while in a relationship, especially when it's long distanced. It makes the matter a lot harder than it has to be.

“Yeah. Sorry to interrupt your story, Liam,” he apologized, slouching down into his seat since the call put him in a pissy mood.

“How is he? Is the distance still bothering you?” Niall asked casually, Harry doing everything he could in that moment to not look annoyed.

Throughout his time of knowing Niall, they've exchanged enough relationship stories. Well, Harry would only talk about Greyson, obviously never bringing up Louis. He's heard countless stories about all the girlfriends Niall has had, and what he is like as a boyfriend. 

He knows that Harry gets upset when he's not with Greyson during the school year since they are unable to see each other. Like he's mentioned, he's rather clingy, and this prevents him from doing so. He's aware of the fact that he's insecure, too. He isn't afraid to point it out either.

“No,” he responded quietly, drinking from his margarita.

Niall chuckled, shaking his head to himself. “I don’t know how you guys do it. If I’m dating someone, I need to be with them constantly.” 

He was about to open his mouth to snap at him, because Niall always would say shit like this to him, ever since he met him (which has always irritated Harry) when Louis ended up speaking up. “You have a boyfriend?”

He glanced up to him through his eyelashes, taking in his entire body as it froze. It should have felt good, it was basically a huge _fuck you_ to Louis. It could’ve been a really good moment for him, but instead, he just felt like shit about it.

Because... well. He didn’t want to acknowledge that thought threatening in his head. He refused.

“Yeah,” he answered quietly, watching Louis wither further. His entire face fell, and Harry wanted to remind him that it’s _his_ fault they aren’t together, but he didn’t. He didn't want to do it in front of everyone, and hell, maybe at all, really. He didn't see the reason to stoop that low just yet.

Instead, he found himself frowning, staring at his drink. That’s when Niall spoke up again. “What the hell is your problem?” He questioned, clearly figuring out what that interaction meant, willingly bringing it up to Louis. He was basically challenging him, wanting him to admit why he looked so upset about this new knowledge.

He shook his head, refusing eye contact with anyone. “Nothing," he responded, voice small.

After that, Louis remained quiet for the rest of the night, even when Zayn tried getting him to joke along with him. Clearly, this was implying that he was bothered with the fact of Harry having a boyfriend.

He couldn’t help it as he kept glancing up at Louis, trying to figure out what was going on in that head of his. He understands that he was definitely blaming himself, and yeah, he _is_ all to blame... but why did Harry feel so damn guilty about it? He wasn’t even in the wrong. Shit, it's not his fault he moved on and got a boyfriend. Louis' feelings were valid, he was _supposed_ to feel like shit realizing that he had lost Harry. And he should have celebrated that, watching Louis become small and upset...

But he didn’t. Not at all. He didn't know what that meant.

He forces himself to glance at Niall after he’s done thinking back to this weekend, doing his best to seem intimidating. It doesn’t always work, but at least he can try. “It’s honestly none of your business, Niall.”

Niall rolls his eyes, and fuck. That means he isn’t going to stop no matter what. “You guys dated. Didn’t you? Just fucking tell me already so I can stop coming up with all these scenarios in my head.”

He figured that Niall put two and two together. After those situations occurred, it’s pretty obvious they were something serious. He can maybe admit part of it to Niall, without getting into too much detail. If he doesn’t do it now, Niall is just going to consistently bother him. And he sort of wants to be alone as soon as possible. 

“Alright. After this, will you drop it?” When Niall nods excitedly, he continues. He starts getting nauseous as he does so. “We dated for about eight months back in like, 2015 to 2016. Obviously, it didn’t end well. That’s it. I’m not going to tell you anything else.” Saying this out loud feels strange. He doesn't think he's told anyone about them like this.

Well, he's talked to Greyson about the ex he had that broke his heart and how he never wanted to feel like that again. Understanding, Greyson listened and promised he'd never do anything to hurt Harry the way his ex did. And that's how Greyson knows Louis. He doesn't know him by name, doesn't know what he looks like. He just knows him as the ex that broke his heart.

“No fucking way,” Niall gasps, causing Harry to glare at him because why is he reacting that way if he already suspected it? He immediately can't help but wonder how Louis hasn't killed him yet, especially since Harry (out of all people) gets annoyed with him at times. It takes a lot to annoy Harry, to put it lightly. “That’s a long time to date someone... you guys must have really liked each other. I mean, it makes sense. I thought you guys would get along after getting to know the both of you these past two years. But... wow. This is sort of crazy," he rambles, running a hand frantically through his hair.

Harry gulps, fighting the urge to cry. Did he really have to mention that? Thinking that they would get along? He didn't want to start thinking about that, because it's true. They got along so fucking well. “I have to go back to my flat now. Can you stop bothering me about it?”

Niall's eyes widen at his tone. “Yes, of course. Sorry, it’s just I couldn’t believe it when Louis attacked you and then at the pub how sad he looked when you said you had a boyfriend—”

“I get it,” he interrupts, not wanting to hear it anymore. Christ. “I’ll see you, Niall.”

Niall gives him a sympathetic look, realizing that he was probably saying too much. “Yeah, yeah. Okay. Sorry. Later.”

Harry doesn’t spare him another glance as he marches back to their complex, trying to figure out how the hell he is going to survive the rest of the year.

He could easily start telling Niall to quit inviting him out with them, because he’s going to decline from here on out. But then he starts to think to himself, why should he be alone because Louis is around now?

Sure, before he used to love nothing more than spending time with himself. But things change. He isn’t _always_ jumping at the opportunity to hang out with people, but sometimes, yeah. He does want to socialize and get to know people. He's been like this ever since he got to Leeds. He shouldn't just sit around, wishing he was with his boyfriend while he's out having his own fun. Harry should want to enjoy himself too, since you're only at uni for a small part of your life.

So just because Louis is here, that shouldn’t stop him. Even thought he really wants it to.

When he gets back home, of fucking course the first thing he sees is Louis sitting on the steps, smoking a... _a cigarette_? It's just that he’s surprised to see he started smoking, honestly. He never thought he would because he always said he hated how they made his teeth feel whenever he did try one. So not even meaning too, he sort of freezes, taking in the sight of him as he sucks on the fag, cheeks hollowing in a daunting way. 

And shit. Louis has gotten so small. He wasn't always this small, was he? His eyes flicker to his ankles, seeing the delicate bones and noticing that yeah, Louis definitely lost weight throughout the years. He was always shit at taking care of himself, and he really fucking hopes that it didn't get any worse. He's eating enough, right? He seemed to be fine when they ate pizza that night...

Out of fucking nowhere, it starts to pain him that he doesn’t know Louis the way he used to. He loved everything about this boy, so terribly that he would’ve done anything for him. He thought he was so special, and that he deserved the world. If he had the opportunity to seize the stars and hand them to Louis, he would have taken it without second thought.

Deep down, he hates that his opinion on him changed this drastically. Because at the time, he _loved_ loving him. Louis helped Harry through so much in his life, he helped him become a person he always wanted to be that he thought was untouchable and... nope. He can't fucking think about this. Not now.

Louis glances up at him, eyes drooping. He looks exhausted, sitting there in his worn out hoodie, hood over his head. Before, he’d take notice in him being tired, telling him to get into bed as he would make both of them a cuppa. Then they’d share it, talking about their days as they rubbed their feet together under the covers.

Now, he has to ignore him.

“Hey,” Louis greets as he takes the first step up. Harry halts, trying his best to not look at him, but failing. The sun is shining directly on him, making his pale skin sparkle and his blue eyes even brighter. Fuck, as bad as he hates him, he won't ever deny how fucking lovely this boy is. “How are you?”

No. As much as he still feels weird about what happened with him finding out about Greyson, he won’t give in. He’s not going to be nice to him. Not willingly. Harry has gotten so strong without him, he can't let him make him weak again. “I told you to stop.”

Defeatedly, Louis drops his head and nods. “Sorry,” he mumbles, and as he watches Louis once again become small, someone who is normally so loud and full of life, and he can’t handle it. He sucks in a painful drag from his cigarette and yup, Harry needs to get away from him before he loses it.

So he hurries up the rest of the steps so he can get into his room. The second he’s in there, he slams his back against the door, sliding to the ground and pulling at his hair. Fuck, you would think with how much he hates Louis, hates him for what he _did_ to Harry, he wouldn’t care when seeing him upset. That he'd be happy seeing him in this state. But no, still to this fucking day, it hurts him to see Louis hurt. More than himself.

When _he_ shouldn’t even be the one hurting. _Harry_ is the one that got his heartbroken. He didn’t do anything wrong, yet, he feels so fucking guilty for treating Louis this way. And he's worried about him. Shit.

He cared so much about him, and honestly, maybe he still does. That’s why he’s so bothered by all of this. As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, he’s always going to care about that fucked boy.

The only thing he can do now is cry and try to forget. Again.

But he doesn’t think he’s ever going to be able to do that.

_****_

**May 2016**

“Are you sure you don’t want to play, Haz?” Nick asks, slapping his hand on his shoulder.

Harry just laughs, shaking his head because no way in hell is he about to try and kick a football in front of everyone. He'd rather keep his body intact, thank you very much. “I’m sure. I’m going to go back in and find Louis, actually.”

Nick rolls his eyes, knowingly. “Of course you are.”

He laughs, punching him in the arm. “Hey,” he pouts, trying to give him a glare but failing. “Maybe I’ll drag him out here and get him to play with you guys.” Louis loves footie and he's pretty impressive when it comes to the sport. He's tried to teach Harry how to play before, but it only ended up with him accidentally kicking the ball straight to Louis' face, sending him into near heart attack panic. Louis said he'd never let him touch a footie again as long as he was nearby. Harry agreed.

“Yeah, yeah,” Nick teases, pushing him away as he goes to join the other boys. Harry only chuckles, watching his friend go off before he heads back in to find his boyfriend.

He’s not sure where he went, as Nick dragged Harry away from them on the crowded couch they were on. Honestly, Harry wasn’t too bothered about him doing that, because they were around Stan and Oli, Louis’ friends that he cannot stand. He still to this day doesn’t know why Louis hangs around them, because he doesn't even like them either.

Well, he tells Harry that he’s only dragging out their friendship until he goes away to uni. That school is almost over, and once it is, he won’t ever have to see them again. He says once that happens, Harry and him can be together all they want because he won’t be scared of what other people are going to say about him anymore.

Louis has always hated when people gossip about him, so that’s why he still isn’t out. He didn’t want to have people whispering things as he passed them in the hallways, simply explaining that it’ll be so much nicer when it’s all done with.

So no one at this party knows that Louis and Harry are dating (besides Nick, that is) and that’s because people still believe Louis is straight. They only see them as two boys who became close friends since they both work at Harry’s bakery together.

Which he’s fine with. He’d never pressure Louis to come out when he doesn’t feel comfortable doing so. Everyone is different.

When he heads back to the couch, everyone who was once on there is gone. He frowns, looking around for Louis when he spots Stan leaning up against the wall, laughing his arse off with some guy he doesn’t recognize.

He sighs, realizing he’s going to have to approach the prick himself to ask him about Louis.

He makes his way over, clearing his throat once he’s close enough. “Hey, Stan, sorry to bother you, but um, did you see where Louis went?”

Stan chuckles, clapping his palm on Harry’s back, making him flinch. “Our boy went upstairs to fuck Keira. About time, isn’t it?”

Harry feels his heart drop to his stomach. What did he just say? Louis wouldn’t... _no_. Absolutely not. There’s no way Louis would do something like that to him.

He understands that Keira has had a crush on Louis for months now (because honestly, who doesn’t?) and every time she’s tried to get with him, he’d reject her. For obvious reasons. That being he’s already in a relationship, although he never said as such to anyone.

So everyone thinks he’s single, because he told Harry if he said he’s taken, they wouldn’t give up until they figured out who with.

He almost freaks out right then and there, but he contains himself, forcing out a laugh. “Oh, o-okay. Are you sure, though?” He asks, trying to not sound shaky.

“Course I am. They went straight into the bedroom together. I knew Louis was secretly this ladies man, with all these hickeys he’s been coming to school with lately,” he jokes, elbowing Harry whose eyes widen. _They've all seen the fucking hickeys he's given Louis?_ “Has he been telling you who else he’s been hooking up with? I can’t get anything out of him.”

Fuck. “What? No,” he mumbles, getting away from Stan’s touch because he’s about to lose his mind if he stays here any longer. “I have to go.”

Louis wouldn’t do that to him. Right? He understands that. He trusts him, of course he does. His Louis would never hurt him like that, no matter how scared he is about everyone finding out he is gay. He wouldn't fucking cheat on him to try and prove that he's straight.

But almost like clockwork, when he turns his head toward the stairs to maybe go up there, he spots Louis and Keira walking down them. And what he sees... he didn’t think he could ever feel this way. Not ever. He didn't even know it was possible to feel as if you were knocked off your feet, all while being untouched. To physically feel your soul leave your body.

He’s pretty sure he almost faints, especially when he takes in the sight of Louis’ ruffled hair, his shirt unbuttoned, and Keira’s bra strap completely showing on her shoulder. Then she kisses Louis right on the cheek, the second he makes eye contact with Harry. Stan hoots and hollers, everyone else joining in.

He swears that his world just exploded. He’s not... fuck, he isn’t breathing anymore. His vision is blurry and he can feel a fucking panic attack coming on, that he can’t even stop Louis as he throws himself toward Harry, grabbing his wrist and dragging him up the stairs, ignoring everyone else.

He tries catching his breath, and he lets out some broken noise as Louis pulls them into a random bedroom, slamming the door shut. He spins around frantically, throwing his hands up. “Christ, Harry, will you relax?” He asks, and Harry immediately collects himself right then and there, in shock at the fact that Louis is mad at _him_.

“What do you mean, will I relax? Are you fucking kidding me? You can’t... oh my _God_. You really can’t be serious,” he snaps, and he’s expecting himself to cry, but no. He only feels complete fucking anger right now.

Because Louis just cheated on him. It couldn’t be more clear what just took place upstairs, while Harry was outside with Nick, having a good time, obliviously... his boyfriend was fucking a girl during that because he doesn't want anyone to know he's gay.

Louis shakes his head, looking alarmed. “Can you let me fucking explain? Nothing even happened,” he hisses, trying to keep his voice down, eyes starting to become glossy.

Harry scoffs because he’s acting like he didn’t just see what happened. There’s no way he thinks that Harry is this stupid. He’s almost offended. “You expect me to believe that?”

Louis stares at him like he’s insane. Why does _he_ look upset? He’s only upset that he got fucking caught, that’s what. “Yes?”

He only rolls his eyes. He's pretty sure he's feeling every fucking emotion at once, mostly rage and he's trying to hold onto that specifically, because if he allows himself to calm down, he just knows he’s going to cry. He refuses to cry in front of him, so instead he continues being angry. “You guys came out of the bloody bedroom together looking freshly fucked. And she kissed you on the damn cheek, Louis! What am I supposed to think?!”

Louis almost chokes, stuttering over his words. “Y-You’re supposed to... shit. You are supposed to fucking _believe_ me when I—”

He laughs crazily, not wanting to hear one fucking word that he has to say. He has eyes, there’s only one indication of what he just saw means. “Yeah, okay. I’m supposed to believe the guy that would apparently do _anything_ to save his straight act. I can’t... I don’t fucking believe you. You clearly don’t care about anyone but yourself, and you would do anything to save yourself.”

He didn’t used to believe this, but now as the words leave his mouth, he’s not so sure anymore. If Louis would cheat on him only so people will continue thinking he’s straight, then he’s selfish. He’s selfish and Harry doesn’t want anything to do with him. 

Louis seems stunned and Harry doesn’t understand why _he_ is so shocked that _Harry_ is mad that _he_ cheated on _him_. “You don’t trust me?”

He huffs. Why are they even having this argument? Harry doesn’t want to listen to him. He should really leave, but he can’t get himself to do so. Maybe it's because he's pathetically holding onto the last string of hope, although he knows that he can't forgive him after this. Why can't he fucking go? What is wrong with him? “You didn’t give me much of a choice,” he mumbles, shaking his head. “You could have said no, Louis. They wouldn't have even thought anything of it.”

“How?” He asks, like he doesn’t get it. Suddenly his effort to defend himself is gone. It’s obvious it really happened. “They know I’m single, it’d be dumb to say no.”

“But you aren’t single!” He shouts, becoming more and more frantic. Holy fuck, this is really occurring right now. “And besides, so what? Do you really still care about your image this much? There's only a couple weeks left of school.”

Louis is starting to become unhinged just like Harry is. This isn’t going to end well. Not that he expected it to, but... he doesn't even know what he's thinking anymore. This is so fucked up. “I’m sorry I don’t want people knowing I like dick, Harry.”

He blinks, hating the person that is standing in front of him right now. Seriously. Who the fuck is this person? He's never acted this way before. “Well, I guess you are what you like, right?” He spits childishly, just as Louis lets out a weak laugh.

“ _You_ were the one that was okay with this. I told you there was a possibility of things getting shitty because of my shit friends.”

He can’t believe he’s even trying to make excuses right now. There is no way he’s doing that. “I didn’t say you could go and fucking cheat on me!”

“Can you keep it down?” He rushes, whispering in a panic. “People might hear you.”

Normally Harry doesn’t get angry so easily, but this is just so hard for him. It’s so hard because he loves Louis so God damn _much_ , and he clearly doesn’t love him back otherwise he wouldn’t have fucking cheated on him. He would have said no, no matter how scared he was. “We wouldn’t want that, would we? Poor Louis, can’t really face who he really is.”

They stare at each other panting, both not knowing where to go from here. Wherever they are headed, Harry has a bad feeling. He doesn’t think he’s going to be happy with at the end, which is saying a lot, considering how fucking shit he feels right now. He wouldn't want to stay with someone who cheated on him, but it's just... Louis. This is his Louis.

Louis finally sucks in a deep breath, holding out a shaky hand. “I’m not like you. I can’t just be myself without worrying what others think. They already make fun of me for being in the theatre, you know that.”

He really needs to stop. He would do anything to get him to stop stressing so much about people’s opinions that don’t even matter. How could he want to stay friends with people who wouldn’t accept the real him? “Who cares what they think? If it’s important to you, then that’s all that matters. How many times do I have to tell you that?” He pleads, stepping closer. “Who’s really stopping you?” 

He stutters. “Myself? Them? I don’t know, I don’t care.” They've briefly talked about this, sort of just Louis saying he's sorry he isn't ready to come out, while Harry would reassure him and tell him there's no rush. So it's fucked up bringing this all up now.

But he does feel himself somewhat calming down (which isn't necessarily good), and the urge of needing to remind Louis that it'll be okay, just like he always does. Even when he's on the verge of a hysterical breakdown because Louis just shattered his heart. “You shouldn’t keep hiding. You have me to stick by your side, you wouldn’t be alone—”

“You really think that’s enough?” Louis snaps, interrupting him, eyes suddenly darkening. Something in him just snapped, and he looks like he wants absolutely nothing to do with Harry.

Those words, they _hurt_. They hurt really fucking bad because they’re loud and clear. “You’re enough for me,” he whispers, meaning it with all his heart. No matter what, Louis is everything to him. He’s always going to be enough.

Fuck, why is _he_ trying to comfort Louis right now? He's so pathetic, so fucking _pathetic_. But he can't help himself, not when Louis brought so much light into his life that he never knew he needed. Even just now, after he placed a dark storm over his head, completely darkening his world, he refuses to forget how he made in feel this past year. That's something he's always going to hold onto, despite what just took place. 

Again. He's pathetic, but he can't stop. Not when he loves him.

Louis’ jaw is clenched, and his eyes cold. “Well, that’s great, but I can’t say I feel the same. You've been decent to me, and I appreciate that you helped me discover who I really am inside. Really. Without you, I probably would still be trying to figure out my sexuality. So I guess I can say you were just sort of my experimenting phase, and yes, this has been fun, but it’s obviously way more serious to you than it is for me and if you want to force me to come out in order to—”

“ _Force_ you? Where the fuck are you getting that from?” He breaks in, breathlessly, trying to ignore the other painful words he just said. No, because he seriously refuses to believe that Louis of all people just fucking said that to him. He didn't mean any of that, there is absolutely no fucking way he did. Not with the way he _looks_ at Harry when they are together, like he's his world. And he'll look at Louis just the same, because they are in fucking _love_. 

Sure, they both haven't ever said it to each other, but sometimes, actions speak louder than words. And their actions, they are fucking powerful. 

But then again... Louis' decision to cheat on Harry should maybe make him second guess all of this. Them. It's just, he refuses to believe that they don't love each other. He knows they do. 

Right?

And also, he is not forcing him to do anything, he’d never make him come out if he didn’t want to. All he wants is to at least be respected when they’re around other people. He doesn’t think he’s asking for much. He thought he didn't have to fucking spell it out to Louis that he shouldn't cheat on him, for Christ's sake. Who would??

“I don’t know, maybe it’s the fact you threw a fucking tantrum because I came out of a bedroom with another girl. You freaked the fuck out, and you still are, honestly, not even letting me explain myself. You made us completely obvious! And it’s just that... shit, we’ve been in here a while. They probably know something is up and... oh God,” he whimpers, almost in tears at the fact that they might figure out what’s going on.

Harry is stunned. He’s hurt and angry and just fucking stunned. He loves Louis, but how can he be with someone who is in near hysterics at only the _thought_ of people thinking they’re together? He was fine with being his secret, because coming out isn’t easy to everyone, but for him to be this upset about it? Making him feel like fucking nothing?

He feels his world shattering if it hasn’t already. It's over. “I am so fucking happy I will never be a coward like you.”

Louis is taken back, but being him, he quickly pulls it together and puts on the brave act that Harry hates so much. He hesitates before he speaks, like he's carefully choosing his words. And when he says them, Harry's heart just completely shatters. “I’m leaving soon anyways. This wasn’t going to work out forever and it’s better to end it now before you completely lose yourself in me.”

His voice sounds weak, not too convincing. But he still says it. And Harry hears it.

 _I already have_ is what he thinks. Instead, he spits, “fuck you.”

“Fuck you too, Harry.” He snaps, and that’s all it takes for the tears that were building up in his eyes to fall.

Louis takes one last look at him before shoving past him and opening the door. Before it closes, Harry lets out a sob and as the door finally shuts completely meaning Louis is gone, he lets himself fall to the ground and cry. He cries, and _cries_ and can’t understand how that all happened so quickly. 

He's fucked because he can't live without Louis. Not after he gave him his heart and doesn't know how to get it back.


	5. five

"Life is kind of really stupid, when you think about it."

Cackling, Louis inhales his cigarette, peering over to Logan, quirking up an eyebrow. "You don't say? But what is making you, little Mr. Sunshine, have these dark thoughts?"

Logan simply rolls his eyes, taking the cigarette from Louis so he can have his own drag. "I was just thinking about your own life."

He snickers, not knowing if he should be offended by that comment or not. "Oh. Well, thanks. I guess. My life _is_ pretty stupid." 

"No, that's not—" He shakes his head, realizing what he just said, most likely. “I mean like, this Harry hates you for the wrong reason. And you guys broke up because of it. It’s just really fucking stupid, you know? I feel bad since it sounded like you really liked the bloke.” 

It’s been weeks since he told Logan as much as he could about Harry, and now they’re walking back to Louis’ flat after their shift so they can smoke weed together. It’s been a while since they’ve hung out, and Logan’s been wanting to see the new place, so he thought today would be a good day to get that over with. 

Logan is sort of talking like an idiot, though. Sometimes he does that, but of course, when Louis isn't in the mood to hear any of this shit, he's doing it.

“We don’t need to talk about it anymore,” he snips, ripping his cigarette back. “Also, get your own.” 

This causes him to laugh, sticking his hands into his pockets. “Sorry, Lou,” he mutters, licking his lips as he changes the subject. “You’ve never really dated anyone since him then, have you?" 

Scowling, he shakes his head. “A lot of dumb hookups. But no strings attached whatsoever,” he admits, thinking back to the constant blowjobs he would give, and be given in random pub bathrooms. 

His first year here, he sort of went crazy with that. He was finally out of the closet, and being away from home and having so many new boys there in front of him... he had opportunities to forget. Although, he was still walking around with a nagging broken heart. He felt like he needed to experiment, and each time, he was hoping he’d finally forget about Harry. 

He never did.

“Why don’t we date? I’m a great boyfriend. All my exes love me,” he teases, bumping his hip into Louis’ as they approach his complex.

This boy is constantly in and out of relationships. “Then why are they your exes?” He smirks, wanting to poke fun with him.

Logan pauses, considering. “Okay. You got me there.”

Louis bursts into laughter, leading him up the way and to his flat. The second they are inside, Niall and Zayn both do a double glance, and immediately light up once they see who is standing there with him.

“Holy fucking shit! Lo! God damn it did I miss you!” Niall shouts, basically running over to them and enveloping Logan into a hug. 

They both stumble, Louis rolling his eyes as he falls next to Zayn on the couch who is already enjoying a joint. “How dare you do this without me.” 

Zayn just smiles, leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek without saying anything. Louis leans into it, nuzzling his face into his neck. He loves his Zayn more than anyone. 

“It’s not like you lot can’t come and visit us at the cafe,” Logan accuses as the two of them stop hugging, giving a stern glare that isn’t scary in the slightest. He finds himself observing Logan talking with Niall for a moment, a weird feeling settling within him.

Because when he thinks about it, Logan reminds him of Harry in some ways. And yes, it's wrong and weird to be comparing the two of them, but it's just... _true_. Maybe that's why he was so quick to befriend him, because he saw the similarities of Harry in him. 

It's fucked up, there's no denying it. But they both have that gentle, kind heart, soft voice, nice smile. There's a lot of things they have in common, honestly.

He swallows, reaching his shaky fingers to roll himself a blunt. He needs to get high as soon as possible after having those thoughts.

“I’m never going back there,” Zayn retorts, waving at Logan slowly. “Hi babes. How are you? Long time no see.”

Logan nods, walking to sit down next to Louis. He slaps a hand on his thigh to purposely annoy him. Louis reacts by shoving an elbow in his stomach, making him groan. “I’m alright, Zaynie. How’s it going with you?” 

“What am I, chopped liver? Why didn’t you ask me how I am?” Niall pouts, falling down to sit on the coffee table in front of them all. Zayn reacts by trying to kick him off, but he doesn’t budge.

“Well because we all know the answer to that. You’re always good, always happy,” Logan remarks as he takes the joint from Zayn who is now offering it to him. 

Niall just proudly grins. “That is very true. Thank you, you beautiful boy.” 

And just like that, it starts to feel like old times. When the four of them would hang out their first year, specifically after spending all day at the cafe together. They would drink, smoke, kiss. Yeah, that’s something he chooses to forget, too. Louis was just so desperate for attention, that he didn’t care when he would plant a kiss or two to either Zayn or Logan. 

Only _one_ time did it get a bit heated with Logan. They were both super drunk, and chose to ignore it and pretend it never happened. He was beyond okay with doing so.

“Should we invite the other two?” Niall suddenly asks after awhile, and Louis immediately starts shaking his head. 

He cannot have Harry here with Logan, too. It’s hard enough with Niall and Zayn, but Logan? Absolutely not. No fucking way. “Ni, for once, can we please not? We haven’t been with Logan in so long and I just... I don’t want him around.” 

Niall freezes and Logan suddenly drapes an arm around his shoulders, rubbing his arm in a comforting way, taking in how he’s now freaked out at just the thought of Harry coming around. He knows more than Zayn and Niall do combined, so he's not surprised he's doing his best to make him feel better.

“Oh, okay. Sure, Lou, I’m sorry for asking,” Niall mutters, giving Zayn a quick once over before bringing his beer to his lips.

Louis lets out a shaky breath as Zayn tries changing the subject, getting back into the happy mood they were all just in, but Louis can’t help it as he sits there in silence, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his stomach.

_****_

Louis never thought there would be a disadvantage when it comes to sitting in the back of a class like he normally does. That was until Harry Styles was attending the same one as him, placed in the very front, completely distracting as his mop of a head is in his direct eyesight, basically begging him to stare at it.

He still doesn’t understand why Harry decided to take a film class as his elective for this year. Louis, yeah, he’s majoring in theatre, but Harry? Why didn’t he take another music class of such?

Sure, Harry did seem to take interest in films and stuff when they were together, but he thought he was only doing that because he knew how much Louis loved them and was just being kind. Here, he can’t seem to grasp that he willingly took this course out of all the other choices.

Maybe it's simply the world throwing another huge fuck you toward Louis.

Thinking to himself, he rolls his eyes and slouches back in his seat, trying to not pierce his eyes into the back of his skull. Especially not when he’s texting in class, and Louis can’t help but wonder if he’s talking to his boyfriend.

Which. Right. Harry has a boyfriend. That was news to him, and it still is, weeks and weeks later. Because... well, if there was ever the slight chance of them getting back together (Louis is for whatever reason somewhat holding onto hope) it’s definitely not happening now. Not if he’s apparently been in a relationship for as long as he has.

He’s been with this Greyson for over a year, clearly indicating that they are pretty serious. When he found this out from Niall, he’s sure it was the same feeling as it would if you were to take a knife and repeatedly stab it into your heart. Like. Seriously. Not to be dramatic or anything. He felt a piercing pain in his heart at that time.

It was hard to hear. That’s all he wants to say on the subject.

He’s been leaving Harry alone like he asked him to do though, because if he wants to slowly work his way back into Harry’s life, he has to start it off by respecting him. But today, something came over him and he decided he’s going to seek him after class, using the project they were so luckily paired together for as an excuse.

Truthfully, this urge came to be when he saw Harry with his curls that were messier than normal, nothing but a simple black tracksuit on, looking as lovely as he is. It reminded him of their lazy days together, walking around Sheffield, hand in hand. Harry would flicker his eyes all over Louis’ face, cheeks turning pink as he’d lean down to kiss him as softly as he could manage once he knew no one was looking at them.

As much as it pained him, it did also encourage him. Weird, that an appearance can do as such.

So as soon as the class is over and everyone is piling out, he jogs to catch up to Harry who normally exits the room as swiftly as he can manage. He's positive that this is a habit he's made, doing his best to avoid Louis at all costs. Not today he won't, though.

When he’s by his side, he can’t even stop himself when the words come out. “Hey, Curls, I wanted to ask you something.” Harry completely flinches, snapping his head toward Louis, probably specifically because of the use of the nickname. He watches as his entire face falls, eyes widening so much that he’s surprised they don’t fall out of his sockets.

He’s waiting for him to yell at him to leave him alone, but it never comes. He just continues staring like he just witnessed a decapitation right in front of him.

And Christ, it’s not that bad that he accidentally used an old nickname, is it?

He clears his throat, becoming unsettled from Harry’s gaze. “Sorry. I um, I was wondering if you wanted to meet at the library so we can discuss our project.” It's such a lame excuse, but he doesn't care. At this point, he will take anything he can get.

Harry finally snaps out of it, body straightening up as he faces his head forward. “It’s October. We have until December to finish it.” His voice is sharp, no indication of any kindness.

Again, it’s all so fucking strange with how Harry speaks to him now. Sure, it’s because he’s still angry and hurt from their breakup, making sure to keep his barriers up around him, but it’s uncomfortable.

Because Harry’s... _Harry_. He never is mean to anyone, absolutely ever. If someone was picking on him, teasing him or giving him any trouble, he’d just smile back and take it wordlessly. Even if it bothered him, he wouldn't argue back. 

Now? He’s not afraid to show his dark side, to Louis, of all people. And yeah, he deserves it but...

Harry.

Louis nods, knowing they still have a good amount of time, but he needs a fucking excuse. He won't give up on this, not yet. “It’s better to get ahead because it’ll be December before we know it, innit?”

Harry does a quick double glance, and he’s sure he’s about to send him off like he always does, but instead, he clenches his jaw and narrows his eyes at him. “When have _you_ ever been productive?”

Is that a joke? Or is he purposely trying to tear him down? Or both? Either way, he doesn’t care. Because he didn’t tell Louis to stop talking or to leave him alone.

Feeling satisfied with this interaction already, he finds himself acting like he used to with him. “I’m plenty productive!” He unintentionally nudges his elbow into Harry’s hip, who tenses at the touch, but quickly collects himself.

He rolls his eyes, dropping his head and shoulders. “Sure you are,” he mutters, and suddenly, it’s all back to shit.

Because Louis understands. He’s going through the same exact thing as Harry probably is right now. They’re thinking back to the times they used to spend together, specifically at his bakery. All the times when they were supposed to be cleaning, and Louis would get them distracted, and they’d end up talking about nothing. Sometimes Harry would talk and clean, while Louis did nothing, or they would both do nothing, making them have to rush and close up the store in time together.

It was always so easy between them, getting lost in conversation after conversation. They would get so lost in each other, forgetting the world around them. The only thing they were focused on was being together. Just them two.

Louis can’t help it as he decides to ruin the moment, right then and there because he’s upset they’re not like that anymore. And he’s jealous, thinking about the guy that took his place in Harry’s life. It's wrong, it's so wrong of him to feel this way, but he absolutely cannot help himself. He's... he's bitter.

“So how’s your boyfriend, then?”

Harry trips on his feet at that, stumbling forward and glimpsing at Louis with a huge pout on his lips. “What? Why are you asking me about him?” He seems surprised, and most importantly, it almost looks like he doesn’t want to talk about him to Louis. Which is odd. You think he'd want to brag about being in a new, happy relationship.

Well, to be fair, he doesn’t want to talk to Louis about anything, but he nearly threw himself to the ground at the mention of him. Maybe he just feels weird discussing him with Louis?

“Sorry. I was just a bit curious, is all,” he admits, bringing his attention to the ground because Harry’s eyes are becoming too much to look at. “Like how you met him and stuff. I understand it’s none of my business, though.”

Harry is quiet for a while, and he’s still shocked that they’re walking through campus together. He is trying not to think too much about it, and ruin whatever moment they’re having now, it’s just hard because he wants to know what is going through Harry’s head so fucking badly. Why _is_ he walking with Louis?

“We met at the bakery,” he almost whispers, so soft that Louis almost doesn’t hear it.

But he does, and the second he does, he laughs because _fuck_. “Of course you did,” he mumbles, kicking a stray rock that gets in the way of his path. Angry. He's fucking angry.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Harry sounds on the verge of panicking, so that causes him to glance up to see his current expression. He doesn’t understand why he’s asking Louis this, because he _knows_ what it means. Does he want Louis to spell it out for him? Is that what he’s doing here?

Louis furrows his eyebrows, shrugging and placing his hands into his pockets. If Harry wants him to say it out loud, he will. “That was kind of our thing. Wasn’t it?”

This gets Harry to stare for a moment longer, before shaking his head and finally twisting back into the person he has been since they returned into each other's lives. “Nothing is ours. Not anymore, not since then,” he spits, jaw clenching, emotions clear as day as they wash over him.

And just like that, their tiny moment is shattered again. He expected it to, but it was still nice to have a small exchange where he wasn’t sending Louis off. One that lasted longer than a minute.

He sighs, thinking now might be a good time to apologize. Come to realize it, he doesn’t think he’s ever done that yet. He’s been trying too hard to explain, that he didn’t even do that. That's... wow. He's such a bloody idiot. “You know I’m really sorry—”

“Save it. I don’t want to hear it,” he interrupts, which, no surprise there. “I have to go.”

Without any further warning, he darts the other way, leaving Louis completely alone. He swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in his throat. Louis doesn't cry, no. He refuses to ever fucking cry, especially over a boy.

And more importantly, he will _not_ cry because he's jealous at the fact Harry met his boyfriend at his family bakery. But it's just... shit. How is that fair? Like, Louis and him spent some of their best times there. It's the entire reason they became friends, and started dating.

He thinks back to stealing little bites of the bread when he wasn't looking, Harry sometimes catching him in the act, lecturing him before rolling his eyes and taking a huge bite out of it himself, while Louis held it up for him. Harry starting a flour fight, because he claimed that he's always wanted to live through a stupid movie moment, and that would definitely be one of them. Harry and him frosting up different cakes, licking each others fingers and laughing until they were crying. Louis watching Harry talk to the different customers in awe with how he handled them, even the rude ones. He was always the sweetest boy he's ever met. So natural at it. And the second he was done with that, he'd walk over to Louis with a big smile on his face, saying that he hates talking to anyone that isn't him.

No. He will not. Fucking. Cry.

_****_

**August 2015**

“Curls, I’ve got a question for you.”

Harry stops wiping the counter, eyebrows raising. He looks concerned, almost, but tries to remain composed. “Um. Yes?”

Louis smiles, walking over to him and folding his arms across his chest. “You’ve been such a wonderful coworker to me, and my lovely mother makes way too many sweets in the beginning of the school year for the girls, so I was going to ask you if you wanted to come over and help me devour them. You know, maybe a little change of scenery while we hang out.”

Truth is, Harry’s been such a nice person to be around this last month and he _wants_ to hang out with the boy outside of work. He’s never met someone like him before, and he sort of really loves his company and is willing to sound desperate to get him to do something with him. And yes, that includes bribing him with more sweets. Even though they work in a literal bakery.

They’ve gotten to know each other pretty decently, he’d like to say. Harry was extremely shy at first, and he still is, quite frankly, but he definitely has gotten better. Normally, it’s Louis starting the conversation and Harry adding onto it, and then they go from there. There's nothing he loves more than seeing Harry break from his shell in certain moments, and that's why he wants to spend more time with him. To see them.

He didn’t expect this summer job to be so worthwhile.

He also doesn’t expect Harry’s face to light up the way it does, dimples showing and everything. “Wait, really? You’re inviting me to your house? Like, we get to hang out outside of work? Really?”

Fuck. He’s so sweet, so bloody sweet. “Hm. Is that what I’m doing? Looks like I am, innit?”

Harry just smiles wider, ignoring his sarcasm and instead, he feeds into it. “Am I dreaming?” He teases, blushing ever so slightly.

Louis walks over, lightly smacking his cheek, making Harry laugh a little too hard. It wasn’t that funny, but Harry always tends to crack up at anything he does. “You still with me?”

“Yeah,” he mutters, eyes glistening. “Guess I’m awake.”

It’s moments like these where Louis feels himself start to panic within himself, trying to ignore the prickling thought in the back of his head. The one where he reminds himself it’s okay to find another boy this charming, that it doesn’t have to mean anything more than that. It’s simple, really. It’s okay to want to be friends with a boy to this extent.

“I’m taking that as a yes, then. I was afraid I’d get rejected there, for a moment,” he jokes, causing Harry to scoff.

“As if,” he mutters, shaking his head and throwing a rag at Louis. It lands perfectly on his shoulder. “Now get cleaning. The sooner we finish, the sooner we can leave.”

“Damn, alright, chill,” he laughs, taking interest with how excited Harry genuinely looks from the invitation. He tries to not think too much into it, though.

They start to close up the store like they normally do, until it ends with Louis watching Harry as he locks it up for the night. When he spins around to face Louis, his grin is as big as it was earlier. “Onwards!” Harry shouts.

Louis rolls his eyes, wrapping his arms around himself as they start to walk. He of course leads the way. “Actually, nevermind. I take back my invite.”

“Liar,” Harry mocks, knocking his elbow into him. “You _wanted_ to hang out with me. Admit it.”

“So what if I did?” He asks back, not really shy about it. “I like you. I thought that was clear enough. You’re a sick mate, we _should_ start hanging out more, honestly. You're lucky I asked.”

Harry’s amusement falls off his face and shit. He doesn’t think the same? He looks down at the ground with a small pout on his lip. “I’d like that too.”

Louis watches him curiously. What the hell just happened? “Doesn’t sound like it,” he comments, making Harry glance back at him, confused. “Why do you look like I’ve just kicked your puppy?”

He laughs, blushing more and forcing a smile onto his face. “No, it’s not... that’s not it. There’s nothing wrong, sorry. Absolutely not! Not at all. I want to be... I’m glad we’re um. _Mates_. So, yeah.”

Something is off but he thinks it’s better to ignore it. Harry sometimes gets weird like this, face falling and stumbling over his words, not really making sense. They never really match together, how he sounds positive but his expression tells another story.

He still sounds sincere about that. So he won’t question it. Maybe one day he will understand him, but right now, he'll remain wondering.

“Glad that’s settled then,” he jokes, Harry smiling once more before it’s gone.

They walk the rest of the way making small talk, before they reach Louis’ house where he slams the door wide open. “The king is home and I’ve brought a peasant along!”

Harry laughs, placing a hand on Louis’ shoulder to shove him. “If anything you’re my peasant. You work for _me_.”

“Who asked you?” He kicks off his shoes, Harry doing the same. He freezes in his spot, remembering that there's something he wants Harry to see. “Before we eat, I want to show you something,” he admits out loud, because he’s been thinking about this since they've first discussed their interests one night at work.

None of his friends find it interesting, but he believes someone like Harry would. And he wants to see if he’s right about that. Because if he is... then Louis doesn't know. He won't know how he will feel about it, and that's why he wants to figure it out by doing this.

Harry pauses, timidly. “Oh?”

Louis chuckles at that, grabbing his wrist and pulling him toward his room. “So I’ve got this prized possession of films and I feel like you’d appreciate it. You like pretty things, don’t you?” He questions, spinning around to look at him for his reaction.

Harry is staring with such intensity, eyes locked on Louis’ as he nods slowly, clearly gulping in the process. There might be a hint of _something_ on his face that is unreadable, but Louis chooses to once again ignore it. “I do, yeah,” he acknowledges softly.

He lets go of his wrist as he opens his bedroom door, waving his hand dramatically toward his bookshelf full of different DVDs. “Pretty cool, innit?”

First, Harry lets his eyes wander around the room entirely, before he is walking over to it and scanning it top to bottom. He goes from each shelf, taking interest in what movies are there too. He watches as a smile comes across his face, as well as hearing a laugh escape his lips. “I can’t believe that you, Louis Tomlinson, color coordinated your DVDs,” he teases, making Louis laugh with him.

Because, fair, that. Louis is rather fucking messy in the store, it doesn’t seem like him to have all his DVDs organized so precisely like this. He’s got all sorts of genres and different films, and he figured it’d be pretty sick to have it laid out like this.

"I can be efficient when I want to be." 

"Oh, so you enjoy watching me sweep up the store while you sit on your arse? Is that it?"

"Well of course. I'm basically getting paid to watch you look pretty. What else could I ask for?" 

Harry trips, which Louis didn't really know what possible, that is, when you are literally standing flat food and not moving. His entire body jerks, and his face flushes. Geez, Louis was just messing with him like he normally does, why is he so flustered all of a sudden?

Luckily, Harry seems to relax and gets himself ready to joke back. "You know what? I think you're fired." 

Louis bursts into laughter. "Oh, you think?" 

"Yeah. It's been fun, fellow coworker, but I think your time is up. It's time to hire another boy who will not only call me pretty, but will _also_ do his job. Your mouth will only get you so far."

Fuck. He's so charming, isn't he? With his dimples and green eyes, curly hair that smells of strawberries. His way with words when he isn't even trying. He's got it all. “You’re being pretty brave right now,” he remarks suddenly, taking notice in that and causing Harry to blush all over again.

He ducks his head, deciding there to change the subject. He brings his attention back to Louis' display. “But um, I love this. It’s really cool and I like how you made it your own. All the different films you’ve watched and enjoyed, displayed here in such a colorful way. It’s great.”

He’s about to answer when suddenly a body barges into the room, startling both boys as they look to see who it is. “Louis! Can you please take us for ice cream?”

He laughs at Daisy, narrowing his eyes at her accusingly. “You want me to take you for ice cream when mum made you all those cookies and brownies?”

She scoffs like that was the most ridiculous question ever. Damn, six year olds so spoiled, aren't they? “I already had them at school! I have a taste for ice cream now, _thank you very much_.”

He rolls his eyes, and he doesn’t expect Harry to speak up when he does from behind him. “So sass runs in the family, huh?”

“Precisely,” he confirms, stepping back and waving his hand toward Harry. “Daisy, this is Harry. He’s my coworker.”

Uninterested, she shrugs. “Okay, will he take me to get ice cream if you won’t?”

Louis snickers at her new attempt. “I never said I—”

“Well of course I will,” Harry interrupts, causing Louis to glare at him but he continues with a bright smile directed toward Daisy. “I could go for a waffle cone, myself.”

Daisy claps before hurrying out of the room before Louis can even protest. “I’ll be outside with Phoebe waiting!”

“Now who are you making decisions for my sisters?” Louis jokes, and he expects Harry to freak out like he normally does, scared that he’s upset Louis, but instead, he ends up joking back.

“I’ll buy you a cone too, sweetie.”

“Don’t ever fucking call me sweetie.”

“Okay, munchkin.”

“That’s even worse!” He yelps, eyes widening at that horrifying nickname.

Harry bursts into laughter, walking past Louis so they can exit his bedroom. “Come on, Lou. Your sisters are politely waiting for us.”

Louis freezes for a moment as the thoughts scramble through his head per usual. But this time, instead of pushing them away and tucking them back into the corners, he sort of lets himself hear them.

And fuck. He thinks he might actually... _like_ this boy.


	6. six

“What’s wrong now?”

Harry rapidly spins around to face Liam, who is watching him frantically take off and put on new rings, not knowing which ones he wants to go with. He must’ve been watching him this entire time being an anxious mess.

They’re about to head over to a Halloween party at one of the student houses, and Harry is sort of freaking the fuck out. He’s freaking out, because he’s thinking about Louis. Shocker, right?

It’s only because Halloween is sort of a really monumental moment from their relationship. One of the biggest ones, if anything. And now, having to go to another party while Louis is physically going to be there this time...

He’s not doing well.

“Oh. Nothing. You know,” he breathes out a nervous chuckle, trying to make himself sound okay but failing miserably. Liam sees right through it.

It simply makes him scoff at how pathetic he is. “You’ve always been such a terrible liar. Jesus.”

He throws him a glare as he puts on his hat to go along with his Elton John costume. He thinks it’s rather brilliant, and he does want to show it off to everyone. So he refuses to let Louis get in the way of his good time.

He’s got on this bedazzled Dodgers baseball uniform on, paired with his hat, obviously, and then some sunglasses that he’s going to put on before they leave. It’s one of the most creative things he’s come up with, that’s for sure.

When he finishes placing the hat on his head, he turns to Liam with a scowl on his face. “Leave me alone. I told you I don’t want to talk—”

“I get it. But you have been a mess ever since you reunited with Louis. What did he do that made you hate him so much?” He asks, clearly wanting to know and Harry can’t blame him for that.

He is more than aware that the two of them dated in the past, since he recently told him after he broke the news to Niall, but he doesn’t know about the details, and how Louis cheated on him and said those awful things. He just doesn’t want to repeat any of that out loud, and he won’t.

“I’m not telling you. So drop it, Liam,” he spits, throwing him one last glare that causes him to raise his hands up.

“Fine. I truly think that if you were to get it off your chest, you might feel a little better, but you do you, I guess.”

“I don’t give a fuck what you think.”

Liam’s eyes widen at that, and Harry drops his shoulders in guilt. He doesn’t mean to take out his anger on him, but it’s just... fuck, he’s been so overwhelmed with life lately, that it’s a bit hard not to.

“It must’ve been really bad though because you are never this much of a dick. Seriously, you’ve never shown true hatred toward... well, anyone,” he admits, tilting his head and narrowing his eyes. “Do you want me to beat the shit out of him? Would that make you feel better?”

Harry just laughs, shaking his head. He knows that Liam would actually do something like that to protect Harry, but he’d never wish anything violent toward Louis. Not actually. He’s thought about shit like that, sure, but he’d hate seeing him hurt. Plus, it's just ridiculous.

“No. Just maybe start being mean to him like me?” He pleads, making him laugh along with him. It’s different for Liam to be rude to someone as well, but he’ll do it if it’d make Harry happy.

“I have been a bit too nice to him, haven’t I?”

Harry nods as they start making their way to leave. “Just a bit. That’s my nemesis there, Liam. You’ve betrayed me multiple times by now when you laugh at one of his jokes.”

Liam just shrugs. “Sorry but the lad is rather funny, despite him breaking your heart and all. You can’t blame me for that because you know it’s true.”

He doesn’t mean this in a cruel way, not at all, but to Harry, it only makes him want to cry. Fuck, all he wants to do lately is cry and _cry_ and it’s not good. He doesn’t know what to think about it anymore.

He refuses to think it means he misses him. Because yes, he _is_ funny... all he did was make Harry laugh to the point he was in tears, clutching his stomach and gasping for air. And he misses that feeling, he misses laughing with Louis and messing around with him.

But he can’t go back to that. They will never be what they once were. He shouldn’t be upset about that, but a part of him still is deep down. Of course he is.

Instead of saying anything, he just nods again, keeping quiet. Liam notices, rubbing his hand on his back as he leads Harry to his car.

Hopefully tonight won’t be as bad as he’s thinking it will.

_****_

When they arrived to the party, Niall fucking Horan immediately found them. He is in a ballerina costume, which got Harry to smile so wide that it was almost painful.

“Why didn't I think of this!” He shouted over the music as he played with Niall’s skirt.

“Because you had a terrific idea yourself! Look at this bedazzled shit, it’s fan-fucking-tastic, H,” he compliments, cheeks flushed from all the alcohol he has consumed.

He giggled, grabbing a beer that Niall was offering him. He’s already lost Liam, who greeted Niall quickly in his surgeon costume, before going to find other people to socialize with. That means he’s going to be stuck with Niall for a while, not that he minds, but that part of him is worried he’s going to drag him to Louis.

Although, he doesn’t think he will after seeing how upset Harry gets when they talk about him. He seemed to have calmed down with trying to get any more information out of him. He wonders if it’s the same situation with Louis.

“Come on. Let’s go see some of our friends, yeah?” Niall asks, nodding his head toward a group of people who happen to be in their classes.

Harry doesn’t really do parties, never was big on them. But it was hard to say no to this one when Niall was basically on his knees begging Harry to come so they could hang out. He explained that he really liked actually being with him outside of school lately, and he wanted to see a party version of him since he’s never experienced that.

He really isn’t that much of an excitement when it comes to going out. He doesn’t change from his normal self, and alcohol simply makes him more bolder, but that’s about it. It’s not like he rips off his shirt and dances on the tables like he thinks Niall is expecting him to.

They spend a good 30 minutes socializing with their classmates, Niall never leaving his side and making sure he’s included in all conversations. He appreciates him for that, consistently making an effort that Harry isn’t uncomfortable in any way.

See, that’s one major thing about Niall. He’s always looking out for people in the sweetest ways without even realizing he’s doing it. And it could mean a lot to whoever is with him, like Harry, for instance.

He’s smiling down at Niall who is telling one of his stories when he catches something in the corner of his eye that makes his heart slam against his chest. Because there’s Louis in a bloody pirate costume.

He looks amazing. With the bandana around his head, the eye patch, the outfit... Of fucking course he manages to make this costume as sexy as possible. Harry sort of wants to murder him for it.

“There you are.”

Harry forces himself to bring his attention off of Louis. He refuses to let his eyes linger on the boy any longer. He won’t do it. He will _not_. He turns to Liam who is approaching Niall and him with a smile.

“Hey handsome,” Niall greets, making Harry roll his eyes. “Glad for you to join us.”

Harry simply chugs down the rest of the beer, feeling the urge to start panicking but he’s not even sure why he’d do that.

(Well. He knows deep down why he wants to freak out. But he won’t let himself admit to those thoughts. Not now. Not ever.)

_****_

The drinks start coming down his throat quicker as the hours pass, making him drunk and have to basically cling onto Niall or Liam for his balance. They laugh at him, Niall especially since he’s never been around a plastered Harry.

They were able to dance a little, and Niall at one point had to leave to puke into a bin. Harry was there to comfort him, but the second he finished, he got right back on the floor and started moving again like none of that just happened.

The night should have been a good time for him, but as time kept moving forward, all Harry could do was think into the past. His mind was focused on a Halloween that took place years ago, instead of enjoying himself where he currently was.

Because he’s pathetic like that. When it comes to memories, Harry desperately holds onto them although he shouldn’t. He was just so fucking happy back then, and he still believes that the night he can’t stop thinking back to, was the one that really changed his life.

Going back to the monster himself, Louis hasn’t bothered him at all, thankfully, but that doesn’t mean that Harry hasn’t been paying attention to him. As much as he hates himself for it, he just couldn’t get himself to look away from him. He tried, he really fucking did. But it was hard because he’s with Zayn, which is no shock, but there’s another boy with them that is clearly into him that he doesn’t know.

Then it gets him wondering. He wonders how out Louis is, and who he’s been with since their breakup. Were there a lot of people? Was he ever in another serious relationship? These are things that he shouldn’t care about knowing, but a part of him can’t help it.

He’s trying, he’s trying so fucking hard to listen to Niall and Liam talk but he is so distracted every time Louis laughs at petite boy’s jokes (yes, that’s what he’s decided to call the mysterious lad. He’s even smaller than Louis) as he then watches Louis fondly, proud that he got that reaction.

It’s wrong. He’s fucked for being jealous, considering he’s got a _boyfriend_ and he’s supposed to hate Louis. For fucks sake, what is his problem? Why is he still like this?

He is glaring at the three over the top of his beer bottle when Niall nudges him with his elbow. “What’d he do now?”

He forces himself to look at Niall. “What?” He is a bit startled with the question, not knowing what he’s even supposed to say.

“Louis. You seem as if you’re planning his murder,” he laughs, peering over at them himself. “Oh shit. Logan’s here? I should go say hi.”

“Who’s Logan?” He asks too quickly, clearing his throat and trying to act casual, like he doesn’t care too much about who he is.

“Oh. Louis’ coworker and our friend. He’s a great lad, you want to meet him?”

“No,” he snaps, shaking his head and feeling sick all over again.

Niall rolls his eyes. “Come on. You would like him. Don’t be that way just because he’s friends with Louis. I’m friends with Louis and you like me.”

“Well Logan is fucking drooling all over the place whenever Louis talks. So no, I don’t want to be around someone who actually _likes_ that fucking prick.”

He’s drunker than he wants to be, which means he’s going to spit shit out like that. He doesn’t want Niall or Liam to hear these thoughts he’s having, but the alcohol is going to force them out of him. Great.

This makes Niall drop his jaw, snickering at his outburst. “I’m sorry? Logan doesn’t like Louis that way, are you nuts? Where did you get that from?”

“Do you _see_ him?” He asks, frantically waving his hand toward the pair.

Logan is again laughing at something Louis said, throwing his head back and gripping his bicep in the process. Perfect timing, if anything. It doesn’t make Harry feel any better.

“I’m pretty sure I do that with you. Am I also drooling all over the place?” Niall asks after a moment of watching them, suspiciously eyeing up Harry now. “Besides, what does it matter to you?”

Harry shakes his head, clenching his jaw and staring at the ground. Fuck, he has no way out of the mess he made for himself. “It doesn’t. I’m just... I’m observing. That’s it.”

“All while looking like you’re ready to plan this poor boy's murder,” Liam suggests, and Harry instantly shoots him his own glare. He doesn’t want Liam to bug him about it now. “Well, to be fair, Harry’s always been the jealous type. He’s always moping around whenever Greyson posts something with—”

“I’m not fucking jealous. Let’s get that cleared up,” he interrupts, frantically speaking. “I’m. Well, um. I think I’m just annoyed that anyone is buying into all his bullshit. He’s not as lovely as he makes himself seem. Yeah, that’s it. I feel bad for Logan, if anything.”

It’s all bullshit but he doesn’t care. He can’t have these two thinking he’s jealous that someone is giving Louis that attention. He refuses to also admit to himself that this is exactly what that is.

“Why don’t we go over there and warn him then, right?” Niall pushes, grabbing his wrist and pulling them over there.

Harry tries stopping, mumbling curse words to the Irish devil, but he’s too drunk to be able to stick up for himself. And soon enough, they are approaching the three boys.

“There’s my sexy musketeers,” Niall greets, Harry bumping into his back as they halt to a stop. “Logan, I didn’t know you were going to be here.”

Harry watches Logan closely as he starts talking, unable to help himself. “Louis invited me at our shift this morning. You know I can never turn down an invitation,” he responds, a small flush coming upon his cheeks.

Fucking bastard. He knew he liked Louis. He wants to shoot Niall an _I told you so_ look, but he keeps himself composed, not wanting to be too obvious.

He was too busy staring at Logan in the meantime to realize that Louis has been quite literally looking Harry up and down. He doesn’t want to, but he can’t stop himself as he brings his attention to Louis completely, doing the same to him. Because of bloody course he looks even better up close.

Especially when his eyes are doing the thing they used to do. _The thing_ when he’d sink his eyes into Harry before pouncing on him and connecting their mouths, fiddling with Harry’s pants all in one swift movement while thrusting his hips forward...

He has to grab onto Niall so he doesn’t fall backwards.

“Woah, you okay?” Niall laughs, catching him and Harry just nods. “Oh yeah, Logan, by the way this is Harry and Liam. Two wonderful mates of ours.”

He notices Logan glance over at Louis with sad eyes, implying that he definitely told Logan who Harry is. But it’s different with the way that Zayn and Niall seem, and he wonders if he actually told Logan the full story. It seems like he might’ve with the way he looks pitiful toward him.

Which no. Louis is not the one to feel fucking sorry for.

“Nice meeting you guys,” Logan smiles and Harry doesn’t mean to glower at him, but he does anyway. “I love all your costumes. Especially yours Niall, I wouldn’t expect anything less from you.”

Niall does a twirl, making Logan laugh while Zayn and Louis roll their eyes. “He just thinks he’s so adorable,” Zayn insults, earning a scoff from Niall.

“And I am! At least I’m wearing a costume, you too cool to dress up for fucking Halloween freak,” Niall shoots back, shoving at his shoulder.

Zayn simply shrugs, bringing his beer to his lips. “I like who I am. I don’t want to pretend to be anyone else.”

“Our Zaynie is so strange,” Louis finally speaks, bringing his eyes off of Harry and pretending he isn’t there anymore. Which... okay then. Harry should be happy about that, but he isn’t. He liked the attention from him.

“Too confident,” Logan adds, elbowing Zayn in the hip. “And I guess, rightfully so. Anyone would be with a face like that.”

“You guys are making me blush,” Zayn jokes, leaning back against the wall. His eyes scan to Liam all of a sudden, actually blushing this time round. “You’d make one hell of a surgeon, Liam.”

He notices Louis scoff at his compliment toward Liam, and he’s curious as to why he reacted that way. Is he jealous of Liam? The attention Zayn has been undoubtedly giving him since they all met?

Again, questions he shouldn’t even care to have answered but he can’t fucking stop.

Soon after that they seem to fall into a steady conversation. Harry wouldn’t exactly know though because he’s too busy watching Louis’ every move, seeing how he’s purposely avoiding Harry now which is just fucking great.

Honestly, it’s what he wanted. He asked Louis to leave him alone and he is. He should be thankful but instead it’s just pissing him off more. Or hurting him more. He’s not sure which emotion is stronger.

He was doing fine for the most part, keeping himself somewhat calm. That was until out of nowhere Logan reached up to place a sloppy kiss onto Louis’ cheek, and it made him have flashbacks to that night he shared with Louis, and it all became way too much. He needed to get fresh air.

“Excuse me,” he mumbles as soon as he can, turning around so he can hurry out the door. He doesn’t listen to Niall and Liam calling his name. Not at all.

He gets outside and starts shaking, feeling his body doing everything it can to stay somewhat functional. It doesn’t last long, especially not when he hears a certain someone calling after his name. He almost throws up at the sound.

“Harry, what’s wrong?” Louis asks so gently, and for whatever reason, that pisses him off further.

He cannot control himself at all when he spins around with wide eyes, waving his hands everywhere. He’s drunk and on the borderline of a psychotic breakdown just because he saw another man kiss his cheek.

This is absolutely horrible.

“You! It’s always you that’s wrong!” He snaps, not letting the tears threatening his eyes to build up anymore.

Louis nods then, not too fazed by his yelling. Bastard. It’s only making him more angry. For whatever reason, he seems to be rather confident as he gets ready to confront Harry for the first time tonight. “Is this because you’re thinking about four years ago?” He questions in a hushed voice.

He can’t be serious. Harry should actually punch him for thinking it was okay to bring that up like that. He’s so close to losing himself completely.

“Of bloody _course_ I am!” He yells louder, actually resulting with Louis flinching this time. But right after that, he finally breaks. He feels his entire face falter, body weakening. He just looks away from him, staring at the ground. “Please. Louis, please leave me alone out here. I can’t have you anywhere near me.”

Louis seems ready to argue with him, defend himself or something, but he slowly backs away and listens to Harry. He leaves him all alone in the front yard.

He looks up to the sky and curses at the stars. The same stars he once fell in love with Louis under, and the same stars he stands under with his heartbroken because of him.

_****_

**October 2015**

“If my friends say anything condescending toward you, please ignore them. I’ll try to put them in their place but they never listen to me. So I just want to warn you now.”

Harry nods, chewing on his lip anxiously as Louis simply warns Harry about his friends before he actually meets them for the first time.

They’re on their way to a school Halloween party, and see, Harry doesn’t go to many parties. He’s been to one like once in his life. Nick on the other hand does attend more frequently, and he tries to get him to come along, but he always declines. So now it’s weird, because when Louis asked him to come with him, he jumped at the invitation.

But he’s still really fucking nervous as they approach closer to the house, not knowing what to expect. Louis seems on edge himself, and it’s all because of his shitty friends he always complains to Harry about.

That’s the only reason why Louis must like him as much as he does. Because he isn’t a judgmental prick like the rest of his friends are.

“You’re sort of really freaking me out,” Harry admits, making Louis laugh. “It’s not funny. They’re going to hate me, I know it.” If it isn't obvious enough, Harry isn't the best when it comes to making friends.

“They’re not,” Louis reassures, placing his hand on his back and rubbing it gently. “They just love picking on people. That includes me, so don’t stress too much about it.”

“You pick on me too. You guys are probably going to gang up on me,” he pouts teasingly, nudging Louis with his elbow. They’re wearing matching _Napoleon Dynamite_ costumes and Harry is for some reason really excited about it. When Louis came up with the idea, Harry’s pretty sure he looked like he was on top of the world.

It’s just... he really likes Louis. At first it was just a small crush from afar, but after getting to really know him these past couple months, his feelings for him are rather significant.

It sucks though because he has absolutely no clue how Louis feels toward him. Sometimes, Harry might think he likes him more than a friend, but he quickly recoils and makes sure that he’s aware he’s still in the friend zone and only there. He doesn’t know what to make of it.

“As if I’d ever do that,” Louis responds, rolling his eyes dramatically. “I’m the only person allowed to make fun of you. They can fuck off.”

Harry giggles, throwing his arm around Louis’ shoulders and pulling him close. “You’re my best friend.”

Louis shoves him off of him. “Not for long,” he shoots back, making him laugh harder. Again, all his nerves are disappearing each second as they walk side by side. He barely even noticed they are finally at the house.

It doesn’t take long for Louis to lead them through it, as he keeps mumbling to Harry that he really apologizes in advance if his friends are shitty to him. It’s not really helping with his nerves, and Louis seems to notice that, asking him if he wants a beer.

He hesitates at first since he’s never been drunk before. But he feels safe with Louis, so he shakily takes the drink in his hand. Of course, it doesn’t get past Louis.

“Is this your first time drinking, Curls?” He nods, a bit embarrassed as Louis starts smirking. “Well, well, well. Do I have to be the designated sober friend tonight?”

Harry shrugs, glancing down at Louis’ lips for just a second. He looks so lovely, as always. He brings his attention back into his eyes, though. “Maybe.”

“Looks like I’m going to have to be. I’m willing if that means being around a drunk Harry.”

He smirks, sticking his tongue out at Louis before drinking from his beer. It’s definitely not his favorite drink, but it’ll do. He crinkles his nose, earning a sweet laugh from Louis. “It’s okay.”

Louis then rolls his eyes admiringly before grabbing his wrist. “Come on.”

And just like that, he guides them to his friends. He’s more than aware of what they look like, but he’s never talked to them before. There was never really the chance to do so, as they don’t see each other too much at school, and when they do, Stan and Oli are never really around.

It’s always just Harry and Louis.

They reach the two boys who are sitting on a couch, smoking a blunt between each other, eyes lighting up with excitement once they see Louis coming up to them. Almost immediately though, they cautiously turn toward Harry, who blushes at the attention.

“Guys, this is Harry,” Louis introduces with a big smile on his face. “He’s sensitive, so be gentle with him.”

“Hey,” Harry mumbles shyly, giving him a glare that is probably more affectionate than harsh.

“ _That’s_ the famous Harry?” Stan asks, raising his eyebrows in clear amusement. Harry doesn’t know what to think of it. “You are quite the doll, aren’t you?”

He only knows how to shrug in response. “That’s me. I guess.”

Louis chuckles next to him, and of course this prompts him to look at him like it always does. He’ll never miss the opportunity to watch Louis as he laughs at something he says, even when it’s not funny.

“I’m Oli, and that’s Stan.” Oli points between the two of them although Harry already knew this. “Why don’t you sit with us?”

And that’s how they spent the next hour. Harry sat in the middle of Louis and Stan who offered him a hit but kindly declined. But that didn’t mean he didn’t stop drinking. In fact, Oli was the one who encouraged him to try different drinks, and he would glance over at Louis who would remind him with his eyes that he was here and was staying sober, so again, he felt fine doing so.

Stan and Oli are... well, they’re not like Louis. He expected as much, but hearing the way they talked, how they treated Louis and even Harry at times, someone they barely knew, it was obnoxious. They’re the type of people that think they can do whatever they want and people will respect them for it regardless.

Harry can proudly say he is not one of those people and it doesn’t seem like Louis is either, but he continues to pretend he is. That is something he will never understand, but they are his friends after all, so he doesn’t question it.

And now it’s been a couple hours, and Harry doesn’t remember what else has gone on throughout the night. He knows that he’s clinging onto Louis like his life depends on it, and truthfully, maybe it does. Maybe his life does depend on being around Louis. Lately, it’s gotten a lot worse.

At one point, Louis decided it was time to leave the party. So he led Harry the same way they came out, and here they are now, walking along the streets as they head back to Louis’ house to crash for the night. Harry can’t stop laughing for some reason.

“You being a giddy drunk is just _so_ shocking. Like really. I am _so_ fucking shocked,” Louis deadpans and Harry just slaps a hand over his mouth.

“It’s not my fault you’re funny.”

“I didn’t even say anything!”

“Well maybe you are just funny looking, then.”

“Hey!” Louis shouts back teasingly, shoving him a little before grabbing a hold onto him because if he didn’t he would have probably fallen. “Are you feeling okay though? No signs of nausea yet?”

He shakes his head back and forth. “Nope. Just happy.” He beams as he glances down at Louis to really display it.

Louis simply smiles back at him, raising an eyebrow. “And what makes you so happy, Curls?”

He hiccups. “You.” He doesn't care about saying this because it’s true, it’s so _painfully_ true and Louis deserves to know.

This causes Louis to falter for a moment, and he would love nothing more than to understand what is going on in his head. “You make me happy too,” he responds so quietly that he almost doesn’t hear.

And that might be all Harry needs for the night. He was waiting for a small opportunity, and he’s starting to believe that this is finally it. He’s been craving to do this since the first fucking time that Louis made him laugh.

Harry has never been drunk like this, so he didn’t really think about the alcohol in his system making him as confident as he is right now. He’s never felt like this before, so willing and saying everything that he thinks out loud.

But when he continues watching Louis stare back at him as they walk together with stars in his eyes, standing so fucking close to him, he doesn’t dare second guess himself. He looks so lovely, he is so fucking lovely, that he doesn’t want to wait any longer. He grabs his wrist, causing Louis to stop walking with him and that’s all Harry needs before he surges forward.

So he kisses Louis just like that. And it definitely takes him by surprise. All Harry can think right now is that he’s having his first kiss, and he’s kissing Louis of all people. His lips are chapped from the cold, and he expects Louis to maybe push away, but he doesn’t. But he doesn’t necessarily put any effort into it, either.

Then Harry snaps out of it before they can really feel and taste each other the way he wanted it to happen. Because he wanted it to be perfect, not this unexpected and messy.

He pulls away, eyes widening up to the point it’s almost painful, realizing what the fuck he just did. No, because like... he just fucking kissed him without talking about it first. Louis is staring at him just as shocked, and Harry might actually vomit now. He drops his wrist and steps back. “Oh God,” he whispers, shaking his head violently. “Louis, shit, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, I totally misinterpreted that and I—

“No you didn’t.”

Harry blinks and takes another timid step back. Did he really just say that? Is he hallucinating?

He still believes he is, even when Louis steps forward very slowly and cautiously and goes to kiss him again. Harry is staring at him like a wild animal, all the way until he presses their lips together again. It doesn’t last long because Louis pulls away, wrapping his arms around Harry’s shoulders. He clears his throat, and talks again. His blue eyes are glistening under the streetlights. “You can’t tell anyone, okay?”

He’s too fucking happy that Louis wants to kiss him back that he doesn’t think twice about that question. “I won’t.”

This makes Louis smile and reconnect their lips. This time when it happens, Harry properly wraps his arms around Louis’ waist and holds him close. Their mouths move together, their tongues touch, and it’s nothing but just a sweet, simple kiss. And Harry couldn’t ask for anything better with a better person.

When they pull apart after what could be days, Harry starts giggling again, resting his forehead on Louis’ to see him smiling just as wide. “You have no fucking idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that.”

“A little too long, it seems, with the way you attacked me.”

Harry bursts into laughter at his joke, pinching his hip and making him squirm. “You are such a dick.”

“A dick that you want to kiss?”

He nods, taking that as the chance to give him one last peck. “You better get used to it.”

Louis’ face lights up at that even more. “I think I already am,” he admits happily.

And fuck it. Harry can’t stop himself as he kisses him again, putting everything he can into it because well... Louis deserves everything, doesn’t he?


	7. seven

It’s almost funny how nervous Louis is whenever he is around Harry now. Seriously. He gets all shaky and jittery because being aware that Harry truly hates him, and he’s not sure how he’s really supposed to behave since he doesn’t want to do anything further to upset him.

Having Harry of all people look at you like you’re the worst person on the planet is a sucky feeling. That’s why he’s so fucked up when it comes to being anywhere near him.

He’s basically given up for the meantime with getting him to listen to him. He believes that there’s going to be a time where he’ll be able to fully explain himself, and he doesn’t think that he should push it any further. If Harry wants to give him that chance, he’ll do it when he wants him to. Not when he’s forced to listen because Louis’ too stubborn.

It’s now November, and Louis has finally convinced Harry to meet up with him so they can discuss their project together. They’re going to the library like he originally asked him, which is where he’s at now just waiting at a lonesome table for Harry to join him.

And when Harry does end up arriving, he doesn’t even spare him a glance or a greeting. He just sits down and starts digging things out from his backpack. Louis watches him silently, wanting to talk but being too afraid to do so.

It’s hilarious to him, how before all he did was ramble on and on about nothing where Harry would listen and enjoy it. Now he’s almost too shy to do that. And Louis... he’s _never_ shy. Or quiet.

“He gave us a lot of movie choices,” Louis finally states, grabbing onto his paper, not knowing what else to say. “I’m sure there’s one that is fitting for us to act in.” He means it lightheartedly, hoping it’ll get a reaction from Harry, but it doesn’t.

Harry just boredly scans his notes, clearing his throat and nodding once. “Any scenes where I get to punch you in the face?”

At this, Louis’ mouth drops open because... well, Harry is not a violent person. Whatsoever. Like, couldn’t kill a bug because he felt bad for it, type of person. So him saying this, and actually sounding pretty serious about it... is so off putting. He’s sure he means that as a joke but also... did he?

Harry must notice this, because he finally glances up to Louis’ gaped mouth, eyes slightly widening and dropping his notes back down. “Shit. Sorry,” he mumbles, cheeks flushing. He seems to be surprised he said this himself.

And because of that, it gets Louis to laugh. He starts to laugh and he watches as Harry sits there with his own small smirk, trying to not seem too amused but failing because Louis can see a dimple popping itself out.

He leans forward once he’s finished, resting his forearms on the table. “If scrawny Harry asked me that, I’d be less scared. But this Harry? Buff Harry? You really started working out, didn’t you?”

Harry blushes instantly, cheeks turning a beautiful shade of pink, shrugging as he tries to not seem too affected by Louis’ comments. “Greyson and I went to the gym a lot.”

With that, Louis frowns and understands Harry said that part on purpose to hurt him. To remind him that he’s in a new relationship, to throw a dig at Louis.

He tries his best not to seem bothered even though yeah, it does fucking hurt. “Good for you guys, then.”

Harry licks his lips and refuses to look at him again, falling silent. Well that barely lasted two seconds. Great. He's never going to make progress at this rate.

It’s quiet between them for a while as Harry stares at his paper, and Louis staring at him. He can tell that he’s not even reading the movie list, he just doesn’t want to associate with Louis in any way right now. That includes eye contact and talking.

So he takes the matter into his own hands, once again. “You look good though. And you got much taller. I can’t believe you actually passed me up. You always joked about that...”

Maybe not the best way to try and make conversation. He wasn’t thinking clearly as he tried to somewhat compliment Harry by also bringing up the past. A big mistake, really.

Fuck. He’s so stupid.

This causes Harry to tense up, clenching his jaw so tightly that he’s sure if he’d touch that part of his skin, it’d almost hurt. He continues scanning over the paper, something washing over his face. He then drops it flat on the table, glancing up at Louis determinedly. “Actually, I don’t want to film anything. It’s a stupid idea. You’re the only one here who knows how to act and that isn’t fair for me. Let’s just do the analysis where we can work on it separately and put our own work together in the end.”

Louis frowns. He never really thought about that. He figured filming a scene would be pretty fun, and before, Harry would love to do something like this with him. He understands that was before... but still. “I thought—”

“No. You just made that decision without even checking with me. I’d rather do the analysis, that way we don’t have to be with each other to complete it.”

Jesus Christ. This is getting more extreme than it has to be, to be honest. “It’s easier to do partner projects when you are actually with your fucking partner.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t want to be with you. We’ll have to make it work.”

He scoffs. He’s trying, he’s trying so hard to not snap at him but he doesn’t think he’s going to be able to hold it in any longer. A part of this is because he’s just pissed at fucking everything. He’s pissed that Harry currently hates him for all the wrong reasons.

“Fine. You win. I won’t make any fucking small talk with you, okay? I will only talk when we have to discuss this project and this project only. You don’t even have to look at me, which you already have no problem doing,” he sighs, while changing his mind completely about what he wants to do. “Actually... let’s just quickly pick a movie and then we can go because apparently that’s what you want. We can start it at one of our flats another night, maybe after you pull that stick out from your arse.”

Finally, Harry glares back up at him. “Did you think I was going to start being nice to you because we have to work on this together? It’s not my fucking fault I’m forced to be with you since our last names are close to one another.”

Louis just wanted to work on this project being somewhat civil, but Harry won’t allow that. So yeah, he’s pissed now and is going to show that. “You know what? I really don’t fucking care. I’m not in the mood for this anymore. I’m sick of you doing absolutely everything in you to make me feel like shit.”

Harry’s mouth drops open. “Because you _should_ feel like shit,” Harry snaps and okay. They’re doing this. They’re getting into a fight in the library. “You didn’t give a fuck when you left me in that bedroom.”

He almost snickers at that. Harry has no fucking idea what was going on in his head that night, and that’s just not true at all.

“Who said I didn’t?”

Harry laughs, shaking his head and leaning back in his seat. He stares at Louis with what could be described as condescending eyes. “You are unbelievable. I can’t believe I ever...”

When he can’t even finish that sentence, Louis does it for him. “Ever what? Dated me? Gave me the time of day? Actually liked me?”

“Yeah,” he spits, eyes darkening even more if that’s possible. “I regret all of it.”

Louis falters at that. Sure, he expects him to hate Louis past that night, but to regret their entire relationship beforehand? He actually... shit. That sort of backfired on him, didn’t it?

He’s lying. Right? There’s just no way Harry regrets all of it. That can’t possibly be true. But also... what if it is? What if he actually does regret everything they’ve been through just because of that night?

Either way, he refuses to let himself seem affected by this.

“Well I regret it too.”

For only a brief moment, the same hurt flashes on Harry’s face before it’s replaced with more anger. “Regret what? Do you regret dating me or cheating on me? Or both? Please, Louis, do enlighten me about what it is _you_ regret about our relationship.”

Oh great. This is the first time he’s actually said that part out loud and he almost forgot that he still thinks he truly cheated on him. He finally looks back at his unwavering gaze. He’s really surprised with how brave this boy has become.

When Louis doesn’t answer, Harry finally shakes his head and shoots up from his seat. “Yeah, okay then. Just sit there and not fucking admit it to me like the true coward you are. You _still_ refuse to say to my face that you cheated on me. I really deserve better than that. That’s... fuck. I can’t do this right now. We’ll pick out a movie another night.”

Harry leaves. Louis sits there in quiet agony.

****

“Liam is kind of hot. Isn’t he?” Zayn asks and Louis’ frowns because he knew it. He knew he fancied Liam—which he wanted to be wrong about—and he’s not in the mood to deal with this shit after the morning he had.

It’s been a few hours since he got back from the library meeting of hell. Seriously, what a waste of fucking time that was. They got nothing done besides Harry snapping shit at him because he can’t be around him too long without doing that apparently. So. Whatever.

Louis rolls his eyes, trying his best not to snap at Zayn for no real reason. “I can’t believe this.”

“Can’t believe what?”

“I thought I was just making it up in my head, maybe, but now you just confirmed it. But really, Liam?”

“What’s wrong with Liam? He’s sexy, no?” Zayn frowns, giving him an FML. Louis shrugs, not wanting to make a real comment about that which only prompts Zayn to yell. “Niall! Do you think Liam is sexy?”

“Very much so,” he responds as he enters the living room with a bag of crisps. “Why? You want to shag him, right? I fucking knew it!”

Louis rolls his eyes, annoyed by his friends even though they aren’t doing anything wrong. He’s just in a pissy mood, okay? When he gets in one of these states every little thing irritates him. And it’s better for him to stay quiet, or he might say something to get himself in trouble.

“Am I that obvious?” Zayn blushes, reaching across Louis and into Niall’s lap as he sits down to grab a handful of crisps. “It’s been a while since I’ve actually liked someone.”

Niall raises his eyebrows with exaggeration. “Wait, you like him? You don’t just want to fuck him?”

“I guess?”

“That’s weird.”

“Why is it weird?”

“Because... it’s weird.”

“How?”

“I don’t know. It’s just weird.”

“Niall, you aren’t making any sense.”

“Yeah, I am. I think it’s because you’re Zayn and you don’t really date, so it's weird.”

“I’ve dated before. It's not weird.”

“You can’t count going out to dinner with another dude _one_ time as—”

Unable to take this any longer, Louis groans and interrupts before he literally dies. “Jesus fucking Christ, shut _up_ ,” he snaps, a little harsher than he intended.

Zayn and Niall both turn to him, not happy with his sudden outburst. But God, can you blame him? After hearing their childish, pointless banter? Louis didn’t want to hear that shit.

“You have been pissed off since you came home,” Niall accuses, pointing a finger at him. Louis goes to bite it, but he pulls away too quickly. “What crawled up your arse and died? And why did you feel the need to bring it in here along with ya?”

“Sorry I don’t want to hear you two fucking whining in both of my ears,” he mutters, shaking his head as once again, he’s stuck in between the two imbeciles. “Can we just watch _Peaky Blinders_ and not talk?”

“But I love talking. You do, too. We’re quite good at it,” Niall insists and Louis throws his face into his hands.

Lord, give him the strength not to strangle his best mate.

“One day. I’m asking for one day of fucking silence,” he pleads, pulling his legs up to his chest.

See, he wants to be surrounded by his friends because it’s better than being alone with your thoughts. That’s why he likes being with people, even if he doesn’t feel like it at the same time. Does that make any sense? In his mind, it just makes him feel less shitty, that’s all.

“Are you okay?” Zayn asks, realizing what’s going on and checking if he’s wanting to talk about it or not.

Which he doesn’t.

He glances over at Zayn, frowning a little. “Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just want to be with you guys, but I’m not in the mood to talk. Is that alright?”

“Of course, mate,” Niall answers for the both of them, Zayn still searching his face for answers. He knows without even being told directly that it’s got to do with Harry, he can just tell. “Sorry for being annoying.”

“I’m used to it,” Louis jokes, and Niall slaps his thigh as he gets the show on for them.

Thankfully, they do as Louis wished, and they sit in silence as they watch the telly, which is just what he needed.

Although, his content state doesn’t last very long as he gets a text in his pocket. When he digs it out, it's a message from Lottie when he glances at the screen. And the second he reads it, he already feels himself ready to break down.

Just the fucking cherry on top for the day, really. This is _exactly_ what he needed.

**Lottie 4:35 P.M.**   
_Hey Louis. Just thinking of you. Missing mum really badly today._

They do this to each other sometimes. Louis and his oldest, youngest sister who is just about 19 now. When that feeling hits you out of nowhere, where that pain is almost suffocating, they will send each other a text just to check in.

Every single time it happens, Louis cries. He cries when he texts her, and he cries when he gets a text from her.

Knowing that he’s about to explode, he starts anxiously chewing on his lip, glancing at Zayn and Niall who are really preoccupied by the show.

He doesn’t want them to see him cry so he has to excuse himself outside. “I’m going for a quick smoke,” he mutters, jumping up from the couch and heading out the door. They don’t chase after him, since they're probably aware that means he wants a moment alone.

He sits down on the last step and lets it all out.

Grieving is a weird process. It’s unfamiliar, painful, and hits you in waves. Sometimes those waves are little, or sometimes they are fucking huge.

Coping is something he was always bad with. A lot of the time he used distractions to try and forget about it. Not forget his mum, exactly, but to forget the hurt that comes with it. But then there will be that one thing that triggers it and you can’t seem to stop thinking about it.

Whenever it comes down to his siblings, any of them mentioning how they miss her, that’s the biggest thing that gets him to break. Because he remembers how he misses them as well as he’s away at school, unable to just hug them right then and there.

Sure, he’s not too far away from them, and if he really needed to, he could just go. But it’s easier to stay where he is because if he ends up home, it’s harder to come back here.

It’s his own selfish reason, but he can’t help himself. It all gets too fucking much.

Louis' face is buried into his hands when the door opens up behind him. He doesn’t want to awkwardly glance up to the person with a splotchy face, so he just turns his body the other way and wipes at his cheeks aggressively. He stays put in that position as he hears them making their way down, but as soon as they get close enough to him, they stop and are followed up with a voice instead.

"Louis?"

Of fucking course the voice belongs to Harry. He shyly peers up to him, who is staring down at him with his eyes wide. See, even as long as they knew each other, Harry has never seen him cry. Because Louis doesn't cry easily, not at all. So he can't blame him for being a bit surprised.

He can't talk to Harry about this. He would be a fucking mess. Therefore, he shakes his head, standing up. He better escape this as soon as he can. "Sorry," he mumbles, going to head back up but he's stopped as Harry catches his wrist.

"No, what's wrong?" He asks with a prominent frown on his lips, eyebrows pushing together.

Harry is too kind to just ignore this. Even as much as he hates him, he wouldn't let him go back up without trying. But he also knows that he is only doing this because he's just that type of person, it doesn't change how he actually feels about him.

He made it clear to him earlier today that he’s never going to forgive Louis, or forget what (didn’t) happen. He doesn’t want him trying to help him when he knows he doesn’t care about Louis himself, he simply just cares about a person that is crying. Because again, that’s just who Harry is.

Louis ends up sighing loudly. "Nothing, Harry, don’t worry about it. Deep down you don't care."

He blinks, opening his mouth before closing it. He doesn’t let go of his wrist yet as he continues stuttering over his words. "I still want to make sure you are okay. I-I haven't ever seen you cry,” he admits in such a quiet voice. He looks entirely baffled, really. Louis can't say he blames him.

Louis just shakes his head because he can't tell Harry about his mum. Not like this. "I... I'm fine." And just like that he runs back upstairs, not overthinking about the way Harry lamely dropped his wrist with the worried look on his face.

****

Harry cannot stop fucking thinking about Louis crying. The sight of the tears running down his face is nonstop displayed in his head, making him sick to his stomach. He can’t stop wondering what the hell made him cry. Was it him? Has he been too mean to him? It had to be what he said in the library, wasn’t it?

It’s just... he’s never seen him cry before. Even when they were super close, he _never_ did. He was always bad at showing his fragile emotions that way. Sure, he’d show his more vulnerable side to him plenty of times, but he wasn’t a crier.

(Harry on the other hand... let’s just say Louis has seen him cry way too many times to count.)

(That’s beside the point.)

It’s literally been a week and he continues dwelling on this. He’s going to have to talk to Louis because if he doesn’t it’s going to drive him up the walls. They’re all supposed to go out to a diner and then head back to Louis' flat for a movie, so he can hopefully do that tonight.

This has become a problem because he doesn’t know what to do anymore. It’s like his brain is telling him he still has to be mad at him, treat him like shit for hurting his heart so badly, but then his heart is also begging him to just let him back into his life. Maybe not as serious as before, but at least a little bit.

He’s so fucked up. Louis makes him fucked up in the head.

He sighs, grabbing his jacket and getting ready to leave his flat. Liam was going to just meet them there, since it was on the way home from his job. But fortunately for Harry, he gets to walk over with Niall, Zayn and Louis. How fun.

He knocks on their door once he’s out in the hallway, preparing himself for the night he’s about to have. He’s going to have to face Louis soon enough, and he’s planning on doing it on the walk there. He needs to get it over with as soon as he possibly can.

It’s just hard to do that when Niall is there. He gets his nose into everything and he’s worried he won’t have the chance to be alone with Louis, even for a minute.

Speaking of the idiot, he’s the one who swings open the door, of course. “Harry!” He greets with a large smile, glancing over his shoulder. “Lads, let’s go.”

Harry nods, unable to help himself as he waits for Louis to come out. Once he does, and he takes sight of the boy in a large black hoodie, pair of jeans to go along with it and his favorite pair of Vans (even after all these years he still wears those ugly things) he swallows thickly because...

Well. Because he’s starting to miss him.

Fuck, Harry knew this was going to happen. That’s why he didn’t want to spend any time, big or small, with Louis around him. Even though he’s barely talking to him as it is, it’s just not healthy for him.

It’s harder to do when Louis is literally right near him like this, remembering their past and how fucking amazing things were before he fucked it all up and broke Harry’s heart, the one that was only beating for Louis.

God damn it. He’s about to cry.

“You alright, mate?” Zayn asks, and Harry blinks out of his thoughts, realizing Niall and Louis are already starting to make their way out. He was left standing there with Zayn watching him, apparently.

He nods quickly, trying to play that off like nothing even though he’s pretty sure he was staring at Louis during all of that. “Yeah, yeah. M’fine, thanks. You?”

Zayn licks his lips, glaring him down with his eyes a little longer before sighing. Harry’s about to panic, thinking that Zayn’s about to bring it up. “I’m good,” is what he says instead, motioning for Harry to walk with him.

So he does that. And once they are all outside, Harry watches as Louis is waiting for Zayn to approach him. Zayn gives Harry one last questioning look before joining Louis, wrapping their arms around each other and great. Harry doesn’t think he’ll get alone time with him.

“Did you hear Zayn fancies Liam?”

“What?” Harry asks, turning to Niall who is next to him now.

Niall nods excitedly. “Yeah. Like properly fancies. He says he doesn’t want to just fuck him, which is weird to me, but whatever. Does Liam ever talk about Zayn?”

Harry frowns as his words start bouncing around his head. _Does_ Liam talk about Zayn? He hasn’t noticed if he has before, probably because he’s too busy worrying about Louis.

He needs to be a better mate.

“I’m not sure,” he answers honestly, putting his hands into his coat pocket. “He probably would, though. Zayn’s pretty cool.”

“And hot as fuck,” Niall adds, and Harry doesn’t mean to roll his eyes, but he does.

He can’t help it, okay? Zayn is rather hot and just knowing that Louis lives with the lad and probably is thinking that constantly doesn’t really...

Okay, what? What the hell is he even thinking anymore?

Someone needs to smack him. They need to slap him and get him to stop fucking thinking. He’s going insane.

The rest of the short walk is spent by Niall rambling about why he thinks Liam and Zayn could get along as a couple, but Harry isn’t listening. He’s too focused on watching Louis, waiting for the chance to grab him and pull him aside before they get to the diner.

Which, actually happens. Because once they arrive, Niall jogs ahead and is the first to enter, and then Zayn goes, leaving Louis and Harry next.

He forces himself to clear his throat, speaking abruptly from behind. “Wait, Louis, don’t go in yet,” Harry demands, right before Louis does.

He freezes, turning around and Harry uses this as the chance to walk back outside fully, instead of staying halfway through the door. Zayn gives a questioning look as he holds it open for them, but then realizes they need a moment (thank fuck) so he continues in. Louis comes along with him, obviously beyond confused. “Why? This isn’t some plot for you to finally murder me, right?”

Normally, Harry would laugh at his joke, but right now, he doesn’t want to talk to him any longer than he has to, but he still has to fucking say something. It’s going to kill him if he doesn’t.

So he sighs, crossing his arms across his chest as Louis watches him nervously. “Why were you crying last week? Was it because I’ve been too mean to you? I’m sorry about the things I said at the library and honestly Louis, I will stop treating you—”

“Harry, stop,” he interrupts, shaking his head, not wanting to hear any of it apparently. “It wasn’t that at all.”

He feels his shoulders slump. He’s so helpless right now and the fucked part of this is he wants to help him, even though he shouldn’t.

It’s just he never wants to see him cry again. It’s not that strange to still somewhat care about someone who once gave you so much happiness, is it? Even if in the present time you hate them for hurting you? “Will you tell me then?” He finds himself asking.

Louis refuses to make eye contact with him which means it’s something serious. He can’t for the life of him figure out what is going on but he knows it’s got to be bad enough. “Maybe when I’m ready,” he responds quietly, and unsure.

Ready? He has to prepare himself to talk about it? _Louis_? The person who could say anything he’s thinking at any time?

This is strange. Harry doesn’t like it. He especially doesn’t like that he’s this fucking clueless.

But instead he nods frantically, letting his eyes dart all over his face to see if he can maybe read him better. It doesn’t work. He forgot he hasn’t been around him for three years, so of course he won’t be able to do that like he used to. Things change in that long of time.

“Okay. Yeah, sure,” he assures quietly, getting a tight smile in return from Louis that doesn’t meet his eyes at all.

Does he not trust Harry anymore? Is that it? That _is_ it... isn’t it? After the way Harry has been treating him since they got back into each other's lives, he doesn’t want to open up to him because of it. Right??

Fuck. This is all his fault. He has to fix this, he needs Louis to know that, even if this is sending him mixed signals.

He clears his throat, lunging at him again to grab his wrist. He doesn’t care, he needs to get this one last thing off his chest. Louis freezes once more, pulling away from his grip and glancing back up. “Yes?” He questions, a bit snippy because he’s probably just confused why he’s being so persistent.

And honestly, he doesn’t know. The sight of him crying really shouldn’t have him this upset after what he put Harry through, but he can’t help it. 

“Um. Shit,” he roughly says, not knowing where to begin. “I guess I just want to also say you can talk to me. Even though I told you that you can’t... if there’s something going on that I don’t know about and you need to let it out, I’m... I-I’m here. I’ll listen. I want you to know that.”

Louis rolls his eyes because he’s probably annoyed with him feeling pitiful toward him all of a sudden. He never liked it when people showed him sympathy. “Cut the bullshit, alright? What is wrong with you? You saw me cry once and now you suddenly feel bad? Fuck you, Harry.”

Fuck. He doesn’t know how he can fix this. How can he dig himself out of the hole he made? He understands that this is fucked up, only caring because of that reason, but... can you blame him? It’s a bit hard not to be concerned at least a little when you see someone you once cared about cry for the first fucking time ever.

“Fine. I’m still fucking pissed at you. Is that what you want to hear?” He snaps, stepping closer in a pleading way. “But what I’m telling you is despite that, if you need to get whatever made you cry off your chest to someone, I’ll be that person. Alright?”

Louis scoffs, turning around rapidly. “Whatever.”

Well. That’s that.

He tried, he really did but Louis won’t talk. He knows he won’t, because it’s obvious Harry is only asking him what’s wrong because he saw him on those steps. If he wasn’t crying, he wouldn’t have actually approached him.

Sure, he would have been dwelling on it in his head, wondering what is going on with him, but he wouldn’t have made an effort to talk to him like he is now.

He sighs, taking a deep breath before walking in himself and preparing for whatever comes next.

****

Dinner was awkward, but what else is new? Everyone knew that Harry and Louis had a small bickering session before they both came in, but no one questioned it. Thank God for that, but it still didn’t make things any less uncomfortable with the elephant in the room.

They’re back at Louis’ flat now, and Harry can’t stop staring at him. He knows that Louis has noticed, because at one point he gives him a death threatening glare, but Harry doesn’t mind it. He wants Louis to talk, and if staring at him will make him snap, he’ll do it.

At one point, Harry stands up to help Niall bring popcorn and beer to the living room, and when he comes back, he forces himself to take Niall’s previous spot so he can now sit next to Louis.

Louis notices, scoffing and doing his best to scoot over as much as he can away from Harry.

He almost wants to laugh because the situations changed so quickly, didn’t they? Harry was the one who was doing everything in his power to ignore Louis and give him the cold shoulder as he tried to apologize, but now Harry is the one silently waiting for him to talk with him.

He’s so mad at himself for allowing this to happen, but he doesn’t think he can stop until he gets answers.

He’s always been pushy like this. Louis has been too, and that’s sort of where they clashed. They were both fucking stubborn, refusing to give up until they got what they wanted. It caused unnecessary drama, but really, when they argued back all those years ago, it never lasted long. It would turn into a friendly banter and then they eventually laughed it off, unable to stay mad at each other.

Harry frowns to himself at the memories, but he isn’t sad about it too long because Louis’ phone suddenly goes off on his lap, and his eyes fall to the screen unintentionally.

Before Louis picks it up, he sees the name Daisy across it, and his heart sort of falls into his chest at that.

Fuck, Louis’ sisters are so much older now. Well, obviously, that’s how life works... but fucking still. They’re old enough to text Louis. That’s sort of insane, isn’t it?

Before Harry can even stop himself, his big mouth is asking him about it. “Daisy has a phone now?”

Louis gives him a weirded out look as he’s typing out a reply, but thankfully, he doesn’t say anything about his intrusive question. “An iPad.”

Harry nods, biting the inside of his cheek. His sisters were always so adorable and he doesn’t mean to brag... but they loved Harry. Harry loved them too, to be honest. He kinda misses his family, which only makes him want to talk about them. “They’re doing okay?” He asks, implying for all his siblings.

Louis’ smile falters only a little, but he quickly shrugs. “Yeah, good, good. Still annoying but lovely.”

Harry snickers, grabbing his beer. “Just like you.” And fuck. God damn it, he didn’t mean to say that. He really, really didn’t.

Of fucking course Louis notices, looking at Harry with a soft tint in his eyes. It makes Harry panic, chugging down his beer but thankfully, Niall speaks up to break the awkwardness.

“Louis’ sisters are the fucking best. Sometimes I force him to let me join in on his FaceTime calls with them and let me tell you, they are fucking hysterical,” Niall converses, burping after he finishes. “My sister is awful.”

“Megan is a sweetheart,” Zayn says, and Niall flips him off. “What? The times we’ve met her, she’s been nothing but nice.”

“Yeah, because that’s what she wants you to think. She’s a literal nightmare.”

“Just like you,” Louis says and Harry actually laughs at that. He quickly tries to cover it up by coughing, lips hovering over his drink.

He watches as Louis turns back to him, giving him a real smile this time round. And for a moment, everything feels... soft. Is that a good way to describe it? Either way, he’s going to say yeah, it’s a soft moment between them.

That’s how it was before. One of them would say something the other would laugh at, and then they would stare at each other with fondness, a small smile still tugging at their lips as they got lost in a trance.

It’s all too similar, and Harry realizes he misses it. And he doesn’t want to be mean toward him anymore, he doesn’t think he can do it.

He doesn’t want to _completely_ forgive him, no, but at least he can try and be friendly towards him. He knows he was doing everything in his power to avoid this, but it’s not worth it. Not when Harry’s heart is fucking begging him to let him back in, no matter how small it is.

It’s probably an absolutely horrible idea and Harry knows that he’s setting himself up for something messy, but right now, he doesn’t know if he cares to fight anymore. Because Louis is here, and they have the same friends, and he _misses_ him.

He shouldn’t, not at all, but he does. There’s no denying it. He’s here and he’s so close to him, but he keeps getting pushed away and he doesn’t think he wants to do that anymore. There’s really no escaping it at this point.

So, it’s like that for the next hour, with some shitty action movie playing in the background, none of them actually paying attention to it as they get lost in conversation.

This time round, he does notice Zayn and Liam getting along rather well, and he starts to realize he wouldn’t mind them getting together. He could see where they mesh, with how they genuinely sound interested in what they’re saying to each other, having almost all the same interests and both are passionate about doing what they love.

It’s about time Liam gets with someone. He hasn’t had a relationship since the day Harry met him.

It was going good for the most part, Harry not giving away too much that he was slowly reopening his heart to Louis, that was, until they were talking about drunk stories and Harry sort of acted before thinking.

"One time Harry literally took a piss in—"

Naturally, Harry clammed a hand over his mouth, stifling back the words like he used to do when Louis said something he didn’t want to, and when Louis’ eyes flickered over toward Harry, they were way closer than he remembered... and Harry was touching him. His hand was covering his mouth.

Immediately noticing the flare in Louis’ eyes and the intensity this caused, he cleared his throat, ripped his hand away and wiped it down on his pants. "He just wants attention so he's making up stories."

"Am not," Louis muttered, glaring at Harry who was definitely blushing in the face.

"You always want attention," Niall agreed, crossing his arms, unfazed by their interaction. "But I still want to hear where Harold took a piss in."

Harry just let Louis finish the story, and after he did, he glanced back at him with confused eyes. “Harry, can you follow me in the kitchen?”

Oh, fuck. Louis is going to yell at him, isn’t he? He’s probably annoyed that Harry flipped the switch and is allowing himself to be comfortable with him, after Louis has been trying to get him to talk to him for months now.

The thing is too, Harry still doesn’t want to listen to him. He doesn’t want to hear him apologize, even if he is sorry. He’s not strong enough to go down that road, revisit their past, the night that ruined his life.

But he finds himself nodding nervously and following him anyways, knowing what is about to come. Harry’s stupid, okay? He can admit that.

They both ignore the looks from the others. When they have the privacy Louis finally wants, he turns around and crosses his arms, clearing his throat. “Are we civil now? I’ve got to say, Harry, I’m so sick of you brushing me aside. Like, I know I messed up terribly and I deserve it, and we will never get to where we once were, but I fucking miss you and I want my best friend back. I miss talking about our shitty taste in just about everything.”

He can’t stop himself as he laughs, thinking back to those specific memories. He’s just glad he didn’t end up trying to talk about what happened in depth.

The only problem is, Harry can’t allow them to get too close. He can be friendly with Louis, but he knows if he goes down that route again and gets too caught up in Louis’ natural charm, he’ll be fucked. That’s something he needs to clear up, realizing that it could become a big problem if this happens.

So he bites his lip, preparing himself to actually fucking talk. “I don’t know... we’ll see. I just—things can’t go back to how they were. Not even in the slightest. I’ll stop being so mean to you, but you have to realize how hard this is for me,” he admits quietly, finally meeting Louis’ sudden sad eyes. “You hurt me really fucking bad.”

He didn’t mean to say that last part, but he couldn’t stop himself. He just needs Louis to understand that they seriously can’t become best friends again, no matter how bad they might want to deep down.

Louis blinks. He seems to be debating his words for a while, but he’s unable to say them as Liam emerges into the kitchen. “Hey. You coming back with me? It’s getting late.”

Harry turns around, nodding. He’s glad Liam just saved him from the possible conversation they were about to have. He glances over his shoulder at Louis once more, offering a small smile as he leaves. Louis doesn’t try any further to say anything even though he can tell he wants to.

Either way, Harry is proud of himself. He’s really proud for not just falling right back into the hole that is Louis Tomlinson _completely_.

He just hopes he’s not making a mistake. Again.


	8. eight

Harry might be freaking out a lot. See, he agreed after class today to let Louis come over so they could pick out a movie and then watch it together. He understands that he was really against the idea of them working on it with each other, but after last weekend, he realized he was just being a child.

It’s not a big deal that they have to do this. He can manage it just fine. Besides, they did agree to be civil. It’s not like this is a problem or anything.

He thinks he’s okay, that is, until the knock on the door implying Louis is here makes his heart fall to his stomach, tripping as he hurries to open it.

(He’s not excited. Okay? He’s not fucking excited to spend alone time with Louis for the first time since they agreed to terms last week. That’d be _absurd_.)

He swings it open, revealing Louis in the same clothes he wore to class, a black tracksuit that is, and smiling when he sees Harry. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Harry greets, opening the door. “Good news. I already have some ideas about what movies might be easiest to watch. Come in, please.”

Louis smiles, nodding and making his way inside. He seems to be more shy than usual, and Harry figures it’s probably because he’s trying his best to not push what they agreed to.

Frankly, he’d rather Louis act his normal self than this timid version. It only makes him sad, feeling like Louis isn't comfortable with him anymore, which is so unlike him.

He’s to blame for that, but still...

When they get to the couch, they start discussing it immediately, and they agree to watch _La La Land_ for it, since their project has a lot to do with going over what makes this movie so special, and they both have never seen it, but have only heard good things.

So they start watching it in silence, Harry getting them both a water to drink, not really knowing what to do with themselves as they begin their new journey of being friendly with each other.

They both feel weird. That much is obvious.

He wants to try to say something, and he doesn’t feel the need to until Louis’ phone buzzes, and he looks at it, rolling his eyes fondly and throwing it back on the couch. He catches Harry’s curious glance. “S’just Fizzy. She’s complaining to me about Lottie because she’s taking a culinary class at school, and she suddenly thinks she’s some chef. She sent a picture of our kitchen, which is a complete mess.”

Harry laughs, glad that Louis is talking to him about this stuff. “Lottie always had a lot of hobbies,” he comments, making Louis laugh with him and fuck.

Yeah, he missed this more than he let on.

“You want to know what else she took up over the years? Fucking _knitting_.”

“Hey," he pouts teasingly. He always lectured Louis when he would make fun of her new passion for the month. "Knitting is a great hobby. How was she at it?”

“It lasted an entire week. She knitted Fizzy up this horrible cardigan, that Fizzy insulted, because why wouldn’t she? It looked absolutely horrible. She got offended and then took up chess.”

“Chess?” Harry asks, eyebrow raising. “I’d love to play her in that.”

Louis huffs, knowing himself that Harry’s always liked playing that game. He would never play it with Harry, because he refused to learn the rules. Bastard.

“That didn’t last long either, so I’m sure you’d win.”

Harry finds himself smiling, wanting to know everything that’s been going on in his family’s life. See, whenever Harry went over to his house, he always found himself conversing with the Tomlinson’s, because they always wanted to see how Harry was doing. They were all kind like that.

They were fun, too. It wasn’t shocking after being around Louis that much, but still. He enjoyed being with them, his sisters of all ages.

He bites his lip, unable to stop himself as he asks the next question. "How is the rest of your family, by the way? Like really? I'm sure it's strange being away from such a loud home. I mean, it's loud here too, but you know...it's obviously different."

Louis smiles weakly and Harry understands it's probably because he genuinely misses them. He was always so prominent in making sure his family was happy. "Oh, they're good, yeah."

His voice is a tad bit lower and it makes him wonder if it's not just missing them. He can tell with how quickly his entire mood just shifted with that question of his. He clears his throat, trying to see if he can figure this out. He can just tell that something is off... he knows Louis. "Are the twins still obsessed with flowers?"

This thankfully makes him breathe out a soft laugh, nodding his head. Louis and Harry used to take them walking through the gardens together because Daisy and Phoebe loved nothing more than smelling the flowers. His mum, Jo, always would ask them to do that for her whenever they were at their house together.

She would boss them to make themselves useful and take the girls out and entertain them. Louis always acted annoyed but he secretly liked watching them in their element.

And he likes to believe he also enjoyed walking through them with Harry. It was such a sweet time they spent together. Harry left one time after Louis put some little flowers throughout his curls, going straight home and taping them into his journal. They're way beyond dead, but the memory lives on.

He hates himself for always thinking such soft, cheesy shit when it comes to Louis. But he can't help himself still to this day.

"Yes, of course," Louis confirms quietly. "Sometimes I buy flowers to have delivered to their house and I get a call immediately from them. It's quite wonderful."

Harry laughs fondly because he can just hear them. God, he would love to see how much they all grew. "Jo is probably _ecstatic_ you're not around anymore to get them off her hands," he states sarcastically, getting a sad smile from Louis.

His sad smile quickly turns to a frown and he sighs, scratching at his wrist nervously. Again, the change in his mood is concerning Harry and he's just about to ask what's wrong when Louis actually speaks. "Harry, I've got to tell you something."

This doesn't sound good at all. He blinks promptly, feeling his voice get caught in his throat. "Okay," he responds weakly.

Louis shifts in his spot on the bed, crossing his legs over each other in a criss cross position. He slowly brings his eyes back to Harry's. "My mum passed three years ago. She had an aneurysm."

Harry feels everything in his body stop pumping and beating. All he can hear is those words repeating in his head, wanting to stick and process them but not being able to.

So much is moving around with those words, thoughts and questions. He doesn't even know how to react to this information he had absolutely no fucking idea about. How did he not hear about this? He lives down the fucking street from Louis and...

Oh God. It's because he blocked Louis off of everything. He didn't want to see any of his life ever again. What if Louis reached out to him only to not be able to? He could have tried to tell him when it happened and he would never know this.

"Louis," he whispers quietly, finding his voice. "I'm so sorry."

He nods anxiously, fiddling with the strings on the bottoms of his jeans. "Thank you... it happened out of nowhere. I mean, that's what an aneurysm does but... God, it was horrifying. I wasn't home when it happened. When I left that night, she was completely fine and then I got a call that she... it happened right in front of Daisy. She was the only one up at the time because she couldn't sleep and mum was with her on the couch watching a movie with her, hoping she'd fall asleep so she could carry her to bed then..."

Harry is going to be sick. "Fuck. I-I don't know what to say—"

"You don't have to say anything. I tried not telling you, because... I don't know. I hate saying it. But it happened and I can't avoid it forever but. Yeah. That's um, yeah."

Harry sits here and stares at Louis. He knows him. He knows that if his own mum passed, the first person he would want to call is Louis. Even when he was hurt and wanted absolutely nothing to do with him.

He doesn't want to live with the guilt of knowing, but not knowing either, that's going to eat him alive just as much. He has to ask even if it hurts. "Did you... sorry, but um. Did you call me?" He asks so softly he's not even sure he can hear him. He's too scared for the answer.

Louis lets his eyes flicker over his face. He opens his mouth, closes it, then reopens it again. "No, Harry. I didn't."

He's lying. He's _lying_ so he doesn't upset him. He would know that Harry would beat himself up over this for the next year, so that's why he's not telling the truth.

But Harry refuses to let this go. "Louis. I... please tell me the truth."

Immediately, this makes him weakly smile, still debating for a minute, but everything shatters as he ends up nodding slowly for his response.

And Harry simply breaks down and sobs. He thought he needed to hear that, but he didn't. He's such a horrible person. Did he really have to act that immature and block him? Jesus Christ, he needed him and couldn't even reach him. There was no way of him doing that.

"I'm so fucking sorry," he blurts, removing his hands from his face to meet with Louis sitting there with wide eyes. "I shouldn't have blocked you like that. You could have c-called Gemma or something, or showed up at my house, I don't care how pissed I was at you. I-I would have been there for you, Lou, _always_."

Louis' gets teary eyed too but holds himself together. "I know. Please don't beat yourself up over this, okay? It's fine, I understand. It's in the past."

"No, it's not. It's not okay," he splutters, almost lunging himself at him so he can take his hands in his. He’s shaking so bad and he can feel the slight tremor in Louis as well. "I hate that you felt like you couldn't have come to me after you found out that I blocked you. I need you to know that I would have never sent you away, I would have pulled you in, and sat there with you as long as you needed it. I don't... I don't know what I can say or do to make this better now, but at least I can tell you that. It'd make me feel better if you knew this, I guess. That I'd do... Fuck, I would still do anything for you, I think."

Louis breathes, eyes watering himself. “Please,” he begs, meaning he doesn’t want Harry to go on any longer.

Fuck. This is horrible.

Harry can’t stop thinking about his sisters. They are all so young, Christ, he can only imagine how bad that had to affect them. And _Louis_. Poor Louis, he was all they had left after that. He knows that he probably gave up everything for them and...

Holy shit. He thinks back to when he was snapping at him, judging him for not going to school for a year and then belittling him when he mentioned to Harry that he had a lot going on in his life.

He’s a fucking bad person. He’s trying to hold it together, for Louis’ sake, but everything hits him at once and he has to cover his face as he lets out another choked sob.

He never said anything. He just let Harry say those things, even after he tried to reach out to him during that time.

He’s going to faint. He’s actually going to faint.

“Harry, please, _stop_ ,” Louis begs and he nods, wiping his face and trying his best to pull it together.

He glances up to Louis with a wobbly lip, biting it to try and calm it down. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.” He hopes that he knows exactly what he’s referring to when he says that.

Louis frowns, nodding and clearly accepting it. Harry knows that deep down, it’s not like he was supposed to know any of this was going on in his life when he said those things, but it doesn’t help him relax. He only feels fucking worst.

Clearly wanting to change the subject, Louis scoots on the couch, closer to Harry and looking at him with sad eyes. “I never got the chance to tell her about us,” he admits quietly, and Harry feels his heart breaking even more. “I think she knew anyways, but I still regret never telling her.”

He swallows thickly because that was something that always bothered Louis. He would briefly mention to Harry that if he was going to tell anyone about them, it’d be his mum. He just didn’t know when to do it and he was scared to do it. He thought that it would give her an excuse to hate him.

Harry never believed that. Jo was the sweetest soul, and she would have loved Louis for whoever he was, even when he had his doubts. He just wanted an excuse for everyone he ever loved to hate him.

Harry couldn’t understand why someone like Louis refused to believe anyone could like him for who he was, even his own mum. He hates that he can’t take away that feeling for him.

He takes this as the chance to say what he wants. “You didn’t need to,” he reassures, reaching over to place a hand on his thigh and giving it a gentle squeeze. “She knew and she loved you for it.”

Louis huffs at that, and here he goes. He should’ve guessed what was coming next. “She probably thinks I was a coward, just like you did.”

Harry pulls his hand away, shocked that he just said that. Harry never... fuck, he’s said that to him multiple times, but he never fucking meant it. He only said it because he was hurt, and wanted an excuse to hurt him back, and he knew how hard it was for Louis to hear himself get called that.

Because he always thought he was a coward. And probably hearing Harry say that fucked him up more in the head. He regrets saying that more than anything, right now.

He shakes his head immediately, trying to figure out how he can fix this. “I never thought... okay, maybe a little,” he says, not wanting to completely lie to him for the sake of making him feel better. He knows Louis wouldn’t buy into his bullshit. “But you were just scared, and that doesn’t make you a coward. It makes you human, yeah? And I should’ve never called you that because it wasn't true. Building up the courage to be who you are isn’t cowardly, it’s fucking brave, Lou. Also, I was just so...” He cannot tell him about being in love with him, so he slows down his rant to compose himself. “I really liked you and I wanted to show everyone how much I did. I liked having you to myself, don’t get me wrong, but I also wanted to show everyone. And when I called you a coward that night... I didn’t mean it. I was just hurt by what you were saying, and sure, in that moment you _acted_ cowardly, but again, it doesn’t make _you_ a coward. Okay?”

When he’s done, he lets out a shaky breath because he can’t believe he just said all of that. Louis seems equally surprised, since he brought up the night. He didn’t even mean to, it sort of all just slipped out at once.

Knowing what’s coming next, he prepares himself when Louis opens his mouth. This is happening, this is actually happening.

“Harry...” He starts and he closes his eyes, not able to look him in the eyes as he talks about it. “I’m so fucking sorry for hurting you that way.”

He shrugs, trying to look like he’s gotten over it, even though they both know that’s not true. He opens his eyes, and forces himself to glance at him. “Whatever. It’s over, yeah?”

It doesn’t seem like Louis wants to give up. "Can I actually tell you what happened now?" He asks, cheeks reddening.

Harry frowns, not understanding why he’s even asking that. He stares blankly for a moment, trying to figure out what he even wants to say about the situation. "I know what happened. You cheated on me."

And fuck. That's the second time within the last week he said that to Louis out loud. It hurts just as bad.

Louis' entire demeanor changes, glaring at Harry. It almost feels like they are back in the room, watching how mad he gets when he calls him out. "You really fucking think that? Still?"

Is he serious? He feels himself getting heated again, angry at Louis for being angry. He can’t be this dense, why isn’t he fucking admitting it? "What am I supposed to think, Louis? Wouldn't you think the same about me if the situations were reversed? I don’t understand why you’re in denial about something you did."

Louis shakes his head. "I would have heard you out. You jumped to conclusions like we were nothing. I know it _looked_ bad, but if you would have let me explain, then none of this would have happened."

He starts becoming dizzy as he talks, watching as tears appear in Louis' eyes. What is he even talking about? This seems a bit serious, the way Louis is starting to shake. He never shakes or cries. Never.

He feels himself becoming shaky then, too. "What do you mean none of this would have happened?"

Louis digs the palms of his hands into his eyes, sucking in a deep breath. "I got so mad at you, for thinking the worst of me. Can you blame me for that? I saw how quick you were to actually believe that I would cheat on you... it stung, you know? Because. Fuck, Harry, how could you ever even think I would do that to you? With how I felt about you?"

Harry's about to throw up. The world starts spinning and he almost forgets to speak for a moment. Once he remembers, he blurts out. “W-What?”

Louis doesn’t hesitate any longer. "I told Keira in the fucking bedroom, I told her I was gay and was dating you. I mentioned how scared I was, and that I was hiding from Stan and all of them because they were homophobic pieces of shit. All we did was ruff up our hair and undo my shirt a little to make it look like we did something, so they would all see that. She kissed my cheek in front of them, to really seal the deal. That's fucking it. Absolutely nothing happened between us. But you thought it did, and that hurt me more than anything. I thought we trusted each other. I understand it looked bad, but you didn't even let me explain anything. You jumped to conclusions and I was just so pissed that I lied to you, and just ended up letting you believe it. Then I said all that shit I didn’t mean to you, and for that, I really am sorry."

Harry is blankly staring at him again, unable to process this. All this time... he had no reason to hate him. And he can tell he isn't lying, there's no reason to lie about this. That's exactly something Louis would do, act in anger and lie to purposely hurt Harry back, the way he hurt him by thinking he actually cheated.

What the hell is he supposed to do now? Everything has been a lie to him, since he saw them coming down the stairs that night when he was only 17. Years, fucking _years_ he spent being heartbroken over something that wasn’t even worth being heartbroken about.

"Oh God," he whispers, realizing that if he didn't act that way, Louis and him could still possibly be dating. They would be happy together, and life would be so fucking different. He brings a shaky hand to his mouth. " _Oh God_."

“Harry,” Louis warns as Harry’s bottom lip starts to quiver. He already knows what he’s going to say. “Don’t you start crying again.”

And well, that didn’t help. He was trying to hold it together but Louis telling him not to cry makes him cry. Because this entire time he hated Louis for something that never even happened. He spent all this time hurting over nothing.

"Please stop fucking crying,” Louis snaps, clearly overwhelmed with everything.

For Christ’s sake, Harry is overwhelmed too. He just found out two things that are tearing up his heart more than he ever thought was possible.

"I can't fucking help it. I-I ruined everything, if it wasn't for me, we would have been fine. Fucking Christ. I was so young, Louis, I was young and fucking stupid to think that about you. You know I always trusted you, you were my person," he sniffs, staring up at him and wondering why he didn't come clean the first time he tried talking to him. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"You didn't want me to talk to you. I didn't want to just... fuck, I don't know. I guess I could have just blurted it out all those times and tell you I didn't cheat on you. But I wanted you to want to listen to me and... I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"And I was so mean to you," he blurts, biting his lip as he thinks back to these past couple months once again. "Holy shit. Louis. Please, I--"

"None of that," he interrupts, shaking his head. "I'm glad you were. It's nice to see you not taking anyone's shit, especially from me."

"That's only because you make me braver," he mumbles, sort of joking but also, really not. He just needs to attempt to lighten the mood somehow. "So don't be too flattered. Or be flattered, actually. I don't know."

Louis shakes his head fondly. He reaches over to wipe Harry’s wet face, sighing loudly. “I’m sorry for lying to you. I lied because I was so scared, and I’m also sorry for the things I said. Our relationship wasn’t a fucking way for me to discover my sexuality, that was bullshit and we both knew that. It was real to me, _too_ real, and at the time I was leaving and I was just so sad you thought I cheated on you, so I said those things to hurt you back and I took the cowardly way out, just like you said. I’ve regretted it everyday since.”

Harry lets out a breath, reaching over to grab his hands again. “I think it’s fair to say we were both stupid,” he says, and Louis laughs, making Harry’s heart melt. “And we suck.”

“Yeah,” Louis agrees, squeezing Harry’s hands. “We suck at communication, that’s for sure. To think none of this would have happened if we just talked.”

Harry gulps, eyes searching Louis’ face. Fuck, he loved him so much, and to think they didn’t even have to break up at that time. “I’m sorry,” he finds himself saying. “I trusted you, of course I did. It’s just I was in shock with what I was seeing, you know? I didn’t know what to think of it. It scared me because I just didn’t see us coming back from that, and I started panicking immediately since I couldn’t imagine living without you. Letting you talk to me about it didn’t even cross my mind, since I figured that only one thing would have happened with what I saw. I’m so, so sorry for that.”

Louis nods, tilting his head softly. “It just was an unfortunate misunderstanding, yeah? I really hope we can put everything in the past now, though. I’m so glad I finally told you, I hated having you still believe I cheated on you. I’d _never_.”

“I know,” Harry insists. “I know you wouldn’t and I hate that I believed you would.”

“We’re good now?” He asks, just to make sure.

Harry is still trying to ignore that his entire world just changed that quickly, and all he can do right now is nod, doing his best to fight the fucking pain in his heart that’s worse than ever before.

“Yeah. We’re good.”

****

**Dec 2015**

“It’s fucking freezing, let’s just sit for a minute,” Louis says, pulling Harry down on the bench they past as they are walking through the gardens. He almost spills his hot chocolate in the process, but he successfully sits down with him, and immediately reaches for Louis’ hand with his free one.

It’s days like this, that he spends with his boyfriend, that he never wants to forget or let go. It’s sad, because he loves being with him more than anyone in the fucking world, and the entire time they’re together all he can think about is his life would be nothing without him.

He doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy, and it’s all thanks to Louis for bringing this light into his life that he didn’t know he needed.

The problem is that it scares Harry. He’ll be enjoying every breathing second with him, but then these thoughts enter his mind, and remind him that it may not last. And that thought fucking terrifies him. He doesn’t want to live without Louis, not ever.

Normally, he just tries to ignore that fear, and remember that Louis is here and he’s not going anywhere, but today, after spending all day with him and falling for him more and more each second, he can’t help himself.

Harry’s absentmindedly playing with Louis’ fingers when he rests his head on his shoulder as the dark thoughts continue to run through his mind. This time, he decides to bring them up to Louis out loud.

“Promise me we’ll always be in each other's lives, even if it’s not the same.”

Louis laughs nervously at him, confused by outburst. “What do you mean?”

He shrugs. “Even if we have to break up someday I still want us to talk. I want you in my life no matter what the outcome of this relationship is.”

“Well do you want to break up?”

“Of course not!” He yelps, squeezing his hand and pulling his head away to look at him in the eyes. Louis only looks amused, but Harry still panics regardless. “I just want _you_! I always want you and I worry so much that I’m going to lose you and I just... I don’t want that. I can’t have that happen. So please, just promise me.”

Louis laughs again, lighter this time, and squeezes his hand back. “You can’t get rid of me if you tried, Curls. If you want, I’ll even get some gorilla glue and attach our hands. Then we quite literally will never be able to let go.”

Harry laughs and leans down to kiss him. It helps him feel a little better, but that nagging thought will always be there to scare him.

He tries to forget about it like he always does, as he remembers that he’s been meaning to ask Louis something anyways.

So he pulls away from the kiss, staring at his lips for one more moment before bringing his attention back to his eyes. “Do you think you want to come with my family to our trip to Yorkshire at the end of the month? It’ll be so nice, you know. Together in our own cabin as boyfriends, enjoying the new year...”

Mum and Gemma know that Harry’s dating Louis. He couldn’t not tell them, okay? They pretty much guessed it themselves, seeing the way Harry looked at Louis whenever he came over, when they’d get caught giggling at the bakery, even though Louis didn’t work there anymore.

That was sort of obvious, that Louis would still come around that boring place after he quit because the school year started up again, wanting to be with Harry whenever he could. They just couldn’t get enough of each other, and they still can’t, to be honest.

“You want me there? I won’t be intruding?”

Harry huffs at that. “What a stupid question. You know my family loves you, you idiot.”

Louis laughs, shrugging. “I mean, if you insist. Sure. I’d love to come. We’ll spend the new year there?”

He nods his head excitedly. “Yes. And we won’t be around anyone we know, so that means I get to kiss you at midnight.”

“Who says I want to kiss you at midnight?”

Harry lunges himself at him again, pressing their lips together. “Shut _up_ ,” he mumbles, mouths still touching when he speaks.

“Or what?”

He pulls away, biting down a smile. Fuck, he can’t control himself around Louis. Everything he does and says makes him grin like a fool. “I’ll make you.”

“By doing what?”

“You know what.”

“Show me?”

Harry rolls his eyes and he leans in to kiss him.

Again.


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! this is an extra long chapter to make up for it :) like really. 7000k+ words. i couldn't stop writing lol.

Louis might’ve fucked up a little bit.

The problem is that Harry and him were getting along rather well until Louis opened his big mouth like he always tends to do.

They’ve been eating snacks and having small talk as they work on this project together. They decided to do the analysis on _La La Land_ , and they did start the movie last time they hung out together, but they stopped paying attention once they finally poured their hearts out to each other.

So they rewatched it, which ended up with them making nonstop commentary like they used to do when they would watch films together.

Everything felt okay, even if it wasn’t. Louis allowed himself to at least think it was since Harry has forgiven him and actually knows the true and full story.

When he was able to let that all out to him, he didn’t know if letting it all out at once was going to overwhelm him or not. But once he started, he couldn’t stop. It was all basically linked together, so it made sense that it happened the way it did.

But today, once the film ended, they started doing the work they have to do, and Louis has been staring at him ever since he started writing in his notebook.

It makes Louis smile to himself, thinking back to nights when Harry would write songs in his bed, jot down lyrics that he sang in his head. He’d show them to Louis who genuinely loved each and every word he wrote down.

It’d send Harry over the moon whenever he would compliment him.

So that’s why he’s distracted. Nothing new here. It’s just every little thing that Harry does, it somehow gets him thinking to the past.

And right now, with the holidays nearing, he can’t help but ask Harry what has been nagging in the back of his head for an hour now.

“You guys still going to that place in Yorkshire this year?”

Harry pauses for a beat, head lifting up very slowly toward him. He looks startled and yeah, Louis realizes bringing up that was a mistake.

Mainly because that’s where their first time happened. And he can guarantee that is what Harry is thinking about right now, since Louis is as well.

Harry swallows thickly. “Y-Yeah, we are. Greyson is... he’s coming with. We’re all going after Christmas.” Of course he’s bringing the boyfriend. Fucking fantastic. Louis nods although he feels like he’s being suffocated. This is too hard for him. Harry notices, because he adds on. “Uh, what about you? What’s going on with your family?”

Louis crosses his legs on the couch nervously. “We’re living with my Aunt Grace in Doncaster.”

Harry’s eyes light up with recognition. “Oh yeah? I think I met her once, didn’t I? Around the holidays?”

“Yeah,” Louis confirms, wrapping his hands around his ankles. He met her when he showed up to Louis’ house with his birthday present in 2015.

He feels his stomach warming up at the memory, seeing Harry show up with a big, wrapped up present, a plate full of baked goods. He couldn’t stop smiling the second he walked in, yelling happy birthday and Merry Christmas, greeting his family the way he would.

“She was really sweet,” Harry says with a frown. “But that means you’re not in Sheffield anymore. What um... sorry if this is a lot for me to ask, but what happened to your house there?”

For fucks sake, Harry. He doesn’t know if he can talk about this with him without tearing up. “We sold it,” he responds shortly, not wanting to go further into detail. He doesn't even want to think about it.

At this, he sees Harry start tearing up himself but he does his best to fight it away, just like Louis is. He can tell he regrets asking that, but he also doesn’t blame him for wanting to know. That house was special and has so many good memories in it.

Harry chews on his lip and looks back at Louis with soft eyes. “I hope you’re getting an unlimited quantity of muffins for your birthday.”

They laugh because they both know if there is one thing Louis hates, it’s muffins. Specifically after working in that damn bakery together. He expressed his hatred a lot, which obviously offended Harry, doing everything in his power to try and find a certain type of muffin that he liked.

(Harry threw in a couple muffins in that plate of baked goods he had for his birthday as a joke. He thought he was the funniest person ever for doing that.)

“I hate you,” he finds himself saying, shaking his head fondly.

Almost right away, Harry shoots back. “I hate you too,” he says with a big smile on his face, not even trying to hide it.

But when he says that this time, he can tell that Harry actually doesn’t hate him. The air seems more clear than it has in a while.

Louis hasn’t felt this happy in a long time.

****

It’s not good that Harry isn’t jumping with joy at the fact he’s about to see Greyson in a few minutes.

Like he’s happy he’s finally going to reunite with him, but a part of him feels weird.

He thinks it’s because the entire time he was away at school for the year so far, his mind has been occupied with Louis. Whether it was thinking about how badly he wanted to avoid him, how much he hated him, the memories they used to share, finally hearing the truth behind everything, going back to not hating him.

It’s been a lot to deal with. So yeah, he thought about Greyson, of course he did, but for the most part... it was Louis that he was thinking about, no matter how good or bad.

When he got home last night, after they did all their warm greetings, he sat at the table with mum and Gemma debating if he should bring up Louis or not.

Yeah. He never told them about them reuniting. He was too scared too because at the time it would’ve made the matter more real. And he didn’t want to accept that he was going to be around Louis for the rest of the year.

But then time went on and he just never got around to it. So he didn’t, but being with them, not being able to get Louis off his mind like normal, he felt like he had to that very second.

He never told his mum that Louis cheated on him all those years before. He only told Gemma when she found him crying in the bakery one night and he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He blurted it out and she was so pissed off, so mad that Louis could do something like that. She didn’t expect that from him, and all Harry could think about that he couldn’t either. It didn’t feel real.

He knew he had to clear that up with her as well. He didn't want his sister hating Louis.

He took a deep breath, watching Gemma glance up at him quickly because whenever Harry has to prepare himself to talk about something serious, he has to try to control his breathing.

“I have something to tell you guys. It’s a long story, and I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t get mad at me for hiding this because I was going through a lot this year,” he began quietly, and he saw their faces both drop.

“Did you and Greyson break up?” Gemma asked and Harry frowned at that.

“What? No. It’s... well. It’s Louis.”

They exchanged a glance and Harry could tell right away that they were already worried. “Louis?” His mum asked, brows pinched. “What happened with him?”

Harry scratched the back of his neck aggressively. “It’s a lot, so please don’t interrupt me until I’m done because I need to explain everything before you... I don’t know. Lecture me or judge me.”

“We’re allowed to judge you. We’re your family, and that bastard broke your fucking heart—”

“Gems,” he interrupted, already irritated. “He’s not—I said _please_. You have to listen to everything I say, alright?”

So she physically shut her lips, allowing Harry to continue.

Again, he took a deep breath before starting. “A couple days after I moved in, my neighbors moved in as well. You know Niall? The one I’ve mentioned from my classes?” He asked and waited until they nodded. “Yeah, well, turns out he has been best friends with Louis the entire time. It was Niall, this guy Zayn, and then Louis that lived across from Liam and I. Um... for a while, I avoided Louis. It was hard to do though, because we ended up having a class together and being partnered up for a project since our last names are so close. I even went up to the Professor to see if I could get a new partner. Anyways, he tried a couple times to talk to me but I refused to listen. I didn’t want to listen. It went on like that for a while. We had little arguments here and there, otherwise I would push him away. It was really hard for me... seeing him around all of a sudden, having to basically hang out with him because all our friends wanted to be together. I don’t know. It wasn’t until I was going out one day to catch Louis crying on the steps outside our building. It startled me because not _once_ have I seen him cry when we were together. He never cried, so I figured something was really wrong.”

Louis still hasn’t told him what he was crying about, but now, after knowing everything, he can only imagine it has to do with his mum.

He chews on his lip, taking in another deep breath. “I asked him about it a couple times but he refused to tell me, and all I could think about was it probably was because of me. And like... yeah, I understand I’m pathetic, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt bad, I felt guilty, and I wanted to help him. I tried to tell him I’d be there for him, and he got pissed that all of a sudden I changed my mind. I can’t really blame him there, but I couldn’t just let it go. I wanted him to tell me what was wrong.

“Then, we agreed to be somewhat civil together before we started working on our film project. That’s when... well. He told me everything. Mum, I never told you the details of our breakup. But we broke up because I thought he cheated on me. That’s not—that’s not _true_. He never cheated on me.”

“Oh Harry,” Gemma snapped, breaking their agreement. “You’re really going to believe him? He’s just saying that to try and get you back—”

“Stop,” he shot right back, giving a glare that actually shut her up. “It’s a shitty story. But he said he told the girl in the bedroom that he was gay and was scared of all his friends. Stan? The one I said I always hated? Yeah, he was worried about what he thought. So they made it look like they did something, and obviously since it _did_ look like something happened, I panicked, and Louis dragged me back upstairs to try to explain. But I refused to let him talk, I jumped to the conclusion that he cheated on me like everyone else thought. He explained to me that me not trusting him, or hearing him out, hurt him a lot. So that’s why... yeah. It was just a huge, shitty misunderstanding. If I would’ve just listened, I would’ve known he didn’t cheat on me and we wouldn’t have broken up.”

“That sounds a bit... difficult,” Gemma said slowly and Harry frowned again.

“Still not done,” he said, playing with his fingers. “Um. Another thing. After that, he went through a hard time on his own. His.... his mum died that summer. I get that you guys only met her once, but I saw her a lot and...”

“Baby,” his mum said softly, reaching over to grab his hand as the tears welled up, thinking back to the conversations he used to have with Jay. She was basically another mother to him at the time. “That poor family.”

He could feel himself already starting to spiral.

“Yeah. It's just... I wasn’t there for him. All because I saw the worst in him when I should have just bloody _listened_. He's a good person. One of the best people I've ever met in my life and I can't believe I even doubted him for a second. I'm so mad at myself for that. I loved—and he tried to—shit, he tried to call me, but I-I had him blocked—”

“You can’t put any blame on yourself,” Gemma lectured before his mum could. “Things just happen sometimes. I understand that now you wish you could take it all back, but you can’t, and yeah it sucks, but there’s nothing you can do.”

He knew realistically that she was right. It was simply a hard situation altogether. But it didn’t make him feel any better.

“You guys cleared up everything though? And you’re friends again?” His mum questioned and Harry nodded, fighting back tears still. “That’s all that matters. Louis knows you Harry, we all do. We know you would’ve been there for him in a heartbeat. And I’m happy you guys were able to finally talk. That must have been such a relief on both your ends.”

At that point, Harry couldn’t hold it in any longer. He looked up at her with glossy eyes, because he didn’t want to face the judgement of Gemma. “I _miss_ him.”

When he said this, his voice cracked and they all knew when he said he misses him, he meant it in every way possible.

They both didn’t respond. His mum just hugged him and Gemma sat silently and watched.

So yeah. That’s how that went.

And that’s probably why he feels numb when the knock comes at the door indicating that Greyson is here.

He opens the door, smiling as he takes in the sight of his boyfriend. His blonde hair is pulled back in a little bun at the top of his head, the hairstyle that Harry got him doing when they first met. He hasn’t been able to stop doing it since they met.

He’s wearing his usual outfit, a blue button up with some dark jeans that hug his slim body, brown boots at his feet. He’s probably going to change into more comfortable clothes once he settles in, he just refuses to go out in public without looking presentable.

“Babe, my gosh did I miss you,” Greyson says the second he steps inside Harry’s house, bringing him into a tight hug. “Your face is great and all through FaceTime, but this is much better.”

Harry has to force himself to laugh. “I missed you too. I hope your train ride wasn't too bad.”

Greyson shakes his head as he pulls away. “Nah. Just read my book,” he says, holding it up to show him. “Got halfway through.”

“Nice,” he laughs, feeling sick to his stomach.

He doesn’t understand what’s happening. He should be at least a _little_ happy to see him right now.

(Well, he does understand. But he doesn’t want to acknowledge it.)

It’s just that once he has his mind set on one thing, it’s like everything that comes after that will make him uncomfortable. He can’t think about anything else.

In this situation, he should be thrilled to see his boyfriend, he should only be thinking about him.

Not about his ex boyfriend.

“Mum and Gemma in the kitchen?”

“Working late at the bakery,” he explains, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “They’ll be home in a little bit.”

“So we got the house to ourselves?” He asks with a smirk, and Harry is actually going to be sick now. “Four months is a long time, babe. My hand only can do me so good.”

Harry normally would lunge himself at Greyson after those words, giving them both what they want. Now? He just doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t want to do anything with Greyson.

There’s a lot of red flags he’s seeing today already.

“I love you and all,” he says, the words feeling bitter coming off of his tongue. “But I’m exhausted. Can we just watch a movie on the couch, maybe? I’m sorry.”

Greyson frowns only a little but nods. “It’s not a problem. We have plenty more opportunities to do what we’ve been missing out on.”

Harry has to turn around and make his way into the living room so Greyson doesn’t see the grimace on his face.

They do talk. They talk about school (Harry doesn’t dare bring up Louis, no way), they talk about their friends, they talk about how excited they are for the Yorkshire trip. But with every word that comes off Harry’s tongue, he hates the way they sound.

He just... fuck. He wants to smack himself in the face.

After Greyson changed into comfier clothes like he suspected he would, they put on _When Harry Met Sally_ and it didn’t take long for Greyson to fall asleep. Harry tried his best to focus on the movie, but he couldn’t. And since he didn’t have Greyson to talk to, he went on his phone.

He opened up his messages to see a couple texts from Niall.

**Niall 5:45 P.M.**   
_Is yur sister as bad as mine ????_   
**Niall 5:47 P.M.**   
_Sorry , it’s just yur sister is closest to mine in age , so I thought I’d ask ya_   
**Niall 5:50 P.M.**   
_I literally can’t do this . She’s gonna drive me insane . No one is answering me and I need someone to text . Out of all the bastards I have as friends , H , I thought yu’d be the one to answer . I’ll remember this !_

Harry chuckles as he sends out his reply.

**Harry 6:42 P.M.**   
_No my sister is not as bad as yours, in fact, she’s lovely. I’m sorry you’ve got to deal with that. Also, sorry for not responding sooner. I’m with Greyson. Remember? The boyfriend I haven’t seen in four months?_

Not that Harry really cares, though. He just has to remind Niall that he does have one.

(He’s not sure if he’s trying to remind himself more than anyone.)

Whatever.

He sighs to himself as he goes through some social media, scrolling through Twitter, and then Instagram, and he can’t help himself as he gets a little excited to see Louis has posted something along with all the other little icons. He clicks his first, of course.

It’s an Instagram story of Daisy and Fizzy who of course hacked his phone. They loved doing this, loved shining the attention on themselves whenever they could.

To be fair, that sort of runs in the family. They all have that way about them. They always wanted to have fun and be the center of attention, every single one of them.

Oh yeah. Harry recently unblocked Louis on everything and they started refollowing each other. He hasn't looked through all the pictures he missed out on the last couple years yet, so he decides to do that now which ends up warming his heart, but also breaking it further.

He posted something about Jay that he couldn’t read. Not with Greyson sleeping next to him, at least, because he would start crying. He doesn't want to wake him up and have to explain everything.

He continues scrolling, seeing more pictures of him with his sisters, Niall and Zayn, then of course random shots of things like flowers, foods, music. Things that Louis loves.

It’s weird seeing all of these now. It’s even harder knowing that when these were taken and posted, they were completely out of each other's lives.

It shouldn’t have been this way.

Harry glances back over to Greyson who is still sound asleep next to him. Slowly he bites his lip and thinks fuck it. He wants to text Louis. He doesn’t care if it’s a bad idea at this point.

**Harry 6:48 P.M.**   
_*screenshot* I miss them._

Yes, he realizes he could have just replied to the story itself but he didn't want to. He wanted to text Louis, because he can.

**Louis 6:50 P.M.**   
_Hello??? You don’t miss me?? Just them????_

Harry rolls his eyes and holds back a smile.

**Harry 6:51 P.M.**   
_I literally just saw you two days ago._   
**Harry 6:51 P.M.**   
_So no? I don’t miss you._

(That’s a lie. That’s such a fucking lie. He misses everything about Louis. His touch, his laugh, his voice... his kisses. He misses kissing him more than anything.)

**Louis 6:54 P.M.**   
_Liar!!!!_

Well. At least he knows he’s lying too. Before he replies he sees the three dots appearing again on Louis’ end. He waits for the follow up text.

**Louis 6:55 P.M.**   
_I miss you too Harry_

Harry throws his phone into his lap and tries not to cry. He looks back at Greyson, knowing he should be focused on him and only him, happy that they are together. Normally he would cozy up next to him and try to sleep as well, but instead he’s texting his ex boyfriend. Not good.

When he first met Greyson, it was still when he was moping around about Louis. He was hired in the summer, just like Louis was the previous year. At first, Harry refused to talk to him, and was a bit mean to him even. That was only because he was pissed that he replaced Louis. He didn’t want anyone to replace Louis.

But eventually, his mum came around and smacked him over the head, telling him to start being nicer. He knew he was being horrible, but that’s only because he felt horrible.

So he tried to snap out of it. He ended up talking with Greyson more, who asked his mum if it was okay if he kept the job all year round because he really needed the money. Harry didn’t care, because he didn’t want to work as much. Rather, he was thankful Greyson wanted that so Harry had more time to lay around in his room, writing short songs and crying about Louis.

Whenever they did work together from then on, Harry was slowly pulling himself back together. So that’s when he figured out that he actually liked Greyson. He didn’t _like_ him yet, but he didn’t mind talking to him and he found himself getting along with him.

Then after a year of knowing each other, Greyson asked him out. Harry didn’t really want to, but he knew the only way to get over Louis was to maybe get into another relationship.

So it just became a thing. He’d go out with Greyson, and he enjoyed their time together, sure, but it was never anything special. Never anything he felt with Louis.

He told himself that he’s never going to feel anything with anyone that he felt with Louis, so he may as well suck it up and just be with Greyson because sitting around being sad about his previous relationship wasn't going to do him any good.

He went through all the same steps with Greyson, basically. But with this relationship, one night when they were just laying next to each other in Greyson’s bed, he told Harry that he loved him.

All Harry could do is say that he loved him back, even though he didn’t feel it.

He never felt love with Greyson. But what he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt him, right?

He realizes how fucked up that is. He’s aware, thank you. But he couldn’t help himself. What else was he going to do? Greyson was there, and he was kind and gentle. Harry did like him, but just as a friend. Greyson wanted more in a serious way, Harry wanted a distraction.

Yeah, Harry hates himself for all of it. For the way that he coped with his broken heart.

But sometimes he thought maybe he does actually like Greyson. Because he did get jealous when he was with Mia, for example. He would get so upset whenever he thought there was a possibility of Greyson finding someone better.

He always thought if Greyson moved on, that’s it for Harry. He’s not going to find another person to be with and he’ll die alone.

After reuniting with Louis, he now realizes he wasn’t exactly jealous. Just afraid. Afraid to be alone again.

Harry quickly closes his eyes and tries to sleep, because if he’s sleeping he can’t think. He can’t think about Louis.

A little bit later, he does end up falling asleep but his attempt to not think about Louis sort of doesn’t work when he ends up dreaming about him anyways.

****

“Drinks on me tonight, babe,” Greyson says as they sit down. Harry smiles because he has to.

“Thanks.”

It’s New Years Eve and they’re at a pub close to their cabin. Greyson convinced Harry to come here last year as well, even though he didn’t want to. He would have rather just stayed in, but he didn’t feel like saying no to him.

So here they are. Again.

The holidays went okay. He was able to text Louis happy birthday, only getting a simple thank you in response. He was considering texting him again, pushing conversation, but then decided that he shouldn't keep bothering him. 

He spent them with his mum and Gemma like he normally does, Greyson coming over Christmas night, where Gemma couldn't stop staring at them. He understands that she was probably thinking that Harry isn't fully happy with Greyson anymore (if he ever was) and she was trying to see that for herself. 

He's sure they all have been aware that Harry doesn't like Greyson as much as he likes Harry. But especially after seeing Louis again, the situation only worsened. Now, everything is weird. Everything is different.

"It's nice here, isn't it?" Greyson asks as he shrugs off his jacket. "I like how they do the lights." He points to the Christmas lights dangling from the ceiling. 

Harry nods. "Yeah."

He can't stop giving Greyson short answers. He's just so fucking miserable, that if he lets himself talk more than he should, he's going to say something he doesn't mean to. Greyson notices but doesn't say anything. 

It goes on like this for a while. They share drinks, Greyson doing everything in his power to try and get Harry to have a real conversation with him. It fails each time, and Harry should feel bad, he really should, but instead, he doesn't. He doesn't care at all. 

Taking the hint, after an hour of failing at chitchat, he goes on his phone and lets Harry be. 

Harry stares at his third empty glass for a while before getting more. He needs alcohol. He needs it more than ever. 

When he gets his fourth drink, that's when he decides to take out his phone to send Louis a text. He may as well, since Greyson is preoccupied on his as well.

**Harry 10:40 P.M.**   
_What are you doing tonight?_

15 minutes go by with no response and Harry has to remind himself that it’s literally New Years Eve and Louis is probably out having fun. He doesn’t want to be texting Harry right now.

He’s trying not to be upset about this when Greyson speaks up for the first time since he sent the message. Really fun night they’re having, aren’t they? Sitting here on their phones not talking to each other?

It's his own fault. But still.

“Do you care if I run to the toilet really quick?” He asks him, and Harry has to physically restrict himself from rolling his eyes.

“Why would I care if you go take a piss?”

He sees Greyson flinch a little at his harsh tone, because Harry understands that he doesn’t sound himself. “Alright then,” he says with a nervous laugh, and Harry just ignores him as he gets up.

He stares at his phone in his lap, waiting for the reply. He tries not to jump with joy when he sees the three dots finally appearing.

**Louis 11:02 P.M.**   
_At a pub w Niall Zayn and Logan what bout you?_

He frowns immediately at that without being able to stop himself. Now he sort of wishes he was with all of them. Honestly, he’d probably have a better time with them as opposed to here.

Also... he wants to keep an eye on Logan to see if he still has those feelings for Louis, flirting with him out in the open.

Who is Harry kidding. Of course Logan still likes Louis. Who doesn't like him?

Bitterly glancing to his side where Greyson is not at, he sends out his reply.

**Harry 11:03 P.M.**   
_Just at the pub alone._

**Louis 11:05 P.M.**   
_Greyson isn’t with you???_

**Harry 11:05 P.M.**   
_No, he is. He went off to the toilets. I meant alone with him I guess._

“That bathroom is so shitty,” Greyson says as he sits back down. “Don’t go in there. It’s better to piss outside.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he replies monotone, still watching his phone. Greyson notices him desperately watching his screen, but he doesn’t say anything as he goes back on his own.

He’s probably talking to Mia, to be honest. So it’s no big deal if Harry is texting Louis.

Well. Waiting for Louis to respond to his texts.

**Louis 11:15 P.M.**   
_Ohhhhh makes sense_

**Harry 11:16 P.M.**   
_Yeah._   
**Harry 11:18 P.M.**   
_Are you having fun?_

**Louis 11:27 P.M.**   
_Yeahhh!!! Are you???_

**Harry 11:30 P.M.**   
_*shrugging emoji*_   
**Harry 11:30 P.M.**   
_Kind of bored. Greyson insisted we went here and I didn’t really want to. It’s too loud for my liking. Kind of just wanted to sit on the porch at the cabin._

**Louis 11:43 P.M.**   
_Yeahhhh that cabin is nice and relaxing if you want a quiet New Years with the person you’re with_

Harry wants to cry. He's been sipping tequila all night since they got here. He's drunk and sad. He's drunk and misses Louis. He wants to go back to that New Years, the one where they did just that. They had a very nice night together, just them two. Them talking, kissing when the clock struck midnight. At that time, all Harry could think about was how thankful he was to have Louis in his life as they started the new year. 

Funny, that.

**Harry 11:44 P.M.**   
_It is. He did this to me last year too._

**Louis 11:50 P.M.**   
_You should have told him you wanted to stay in!!! I’m sure he would have compromised with ya :P_

**Harry 11:51 P.M.**   
_Yeah maybe :( I didn’t want to be a bother though._

**Louis 11:53 P.M.**   
_Harry, he’s your boyfriend. It shouldn’t be bothersome to him if you express what you prefer, he would have understood especially if you guys have been dating for what, 2 years???_

Great. Now Louis probably thinks he’s dating a shitty guy which isn’t true. Greyson isn’t... he’s a good person. He’s really good. He always has been. Also, why is he even talking to Louis about this now?

Everything is weird.

**Harry 11:54 P.M.**   
_I don’t know what I was thinking. Sorry._

When Louis doesn’t reply he knows that it’s because he’s probably getting prepared for the countdown. He should be getting ready himself, but instead he stares down at his glass sadly, feeling Greyson’s eyes on him.

"You okay?" He asks as Harry forces himself to put his phone away since it's about two minutes till midnight and he still hasn't gotten a text back. 

"Yeah. Fine. Tired and drunk. You know," he mumbles, and Greyson nods, wanting to say something but holding back. 

Harry doesn't care anymore. He doesn't care about anything. He doesn't care when the countdown starts and Greyson and him stand up to be in the crowd. He doesn't care when they kiss. He doesn't care when the second they're done kissing, he takes out his phone and goes to text Louis a happy New Year. He doesn't care when he feels Greyson pull his touch from him. He doesn't care when Greyson opens his mouth to finally talk to him.

“Harry, what’s going on? Why are you being so quiet?” Greyson asks, nodding his head toward his phone. “Who were you talking to?”

Harry shakes his head. He can't do this anymore. He needs to fucking get out before he suffocates in here. “Nothing. I just... fuck. Let me go outside for some air, okay?”

He doesn't bother waiting for a response. Instead, he stumbles his way out, sitting down on the curb and burying his face in his hands. He feels sick. He doesn't know what to do anymore. It'd be a lot easier to deal with this if he didn't have a fucking boyfriend of two years.

One that he didn't even necessarily _want_. He needed someone to get his mind of Louis, and then things started escalating and he didn't bother stopping them because he didn't feel the need to. He thought he would never see Louis again and if life had to be this way, then fuck it. It's fine. 

He thought he'd rather have someone than be alone. But now, he's not so sure. He doesn't think he wants anyone that isn't Louis.

And since Louis is all he can think about, he needs to do something about it. He still has two messages sent to him that have been unanswered, but he doesn't care. He doesn't care at _all_ as he takes out his phone once more.

He understands Louis is probably partying now and just had his own New Years kiss (most likely with Logan for Christ’s sake) and he shouldn’t bother him. But in his head, he’s been bothering him all night already, so what’s one phone call going to do?

Sure, he’s drunk as fuck but he doesn’t care. He needs to talk to Louis. He wants to hear his voice.

So he calls him.

“Harry?” He hears Louis ask with a loud crowd behind him. “Why are you calling me?”

Just by hearing his voice, he lets out a large sob. “I can’t stop thinking about our New Years here together," he blurts, not even meaning to say that.

It's quiet for a beat before Louis answers. “Harry,” he says again, tone dropping. Then it’s followed by silence on his end, the only sound is Harry’s broken noises which Louis obviously notices. “Why are you crying? Stop that.” When he talks this time, he can tell he went outside for quiet.

“I can’t,” he wails, throwing his hand on his face. “We had such a good time when we came here, didn’t we? When I’m here with Greyson, I don’t feel the way I did when I was with you. All I know is that the entire time I was at that fucking counter having drinks, I was thinking about us. That’s why I texted you. I remembered how happy I was sitting on that porch with you, holding each other and watching the fireworks—”

“What are you doing?” Louis interrupts, clearly stunned. Harry can’t blame him, this is coming out of nowhere. He doesn’t even understand himself why he’s making this call.

Harry lets out a shaky breath. “Can I admit something?”

“Admit what?”

“For some fucked up reason, I wish you were here instead of Greyson. I want to be with you.”

The line goes so quiet that Harry has to check to make sure that Louis didn’t hang up. When he sees that he didn’t, he’s about to hurry and say something else, but Louis ends up beating him to it.

“I have to go. Niall is...”

He fucked up. He really, really fucked up. “I understand. I’m sorry for bothering you and uh... yeah. Bye Louis.” He hangs up before he can fuck up any further.

He lets himself cry a little longer before Greyson comes and finds him. 

Greyson doesn't question it. Harry doesn't tell him. They head back to the cabin in silence.

****

The next morning, Harry sits on the porch with a hangover from hell. Greyson and him have been quiet since they woke up because they both don't really know how to handle this. Greyson obviously knows something is wrong, but he can tell that Harry doesn't want to talk about it, so he doesn't push him. 

Harry simply said he was sorry and that he'll get over it, whatever he's feeling. That it was nothing Greyson did and he just sort of wants some alone time. 

So he gave him that. He went off to the shops, and Harry normally would go over to mum and Gemma's cabin, but instead he texted them and said he felt too sick to do that. 

He's staring at his messages with Louis from last night, knowing he needs to do something about the call he made last night. Fuck, it was so pathetic, wasn't it? Telling Louis that he wished he was there instead of Greyson?

It was horrible. Harry feels like a horrible person. He feels bad for both Louis and Greyson, because how could he say that? Why would he willingly admit that out loud? 

He forces himself to text him. He has to do something about this. He's the one that made everything weird out of nowhere. They were just starting to get along again after they talked everything through. Hell, they have barely been friends again and he already is pushing boundaries. He doesn't know how to fucking stop.

**Harry 10:18 A.M.**   
_I’m really sorry about yesterday. I was obviously really drunk and wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t mean to call you._

Louis doesn’t respond.

****

**December 2015**

Holding Louis’ hand is Harry’s favorite thing to do. They just fit so perfectly together that he doesn’t want to ever let go. Why would he walk around town empty handed when he could literally be holding Louis the entire time? It doesn’t make sense.

It’s their first full day here in Yorkshire, and right now they’ve been running into store after store and honestly, Harry doesn’t think he’s ever been this happy. He’s at his annual family vacation with his boyfriend... everything just feels perfect.

Harry is browsing through the tables when Louis starts complaining. “I’m done trying on clothes, by the way.”

He shakes his head. “Not if I find something else that would look good on you. Which news flash, a lot of things would look good on you. So.”

Louis rolls his eyes at this. “I will probably not even wear half of this shit you’re making me buy. Can’t I just help you pick out stuff?”

“What do you mean? You don’t like it?” He asks with a pout. He thought for sure that Louis liked the outfits he chose for him.

He sighs. “No, baby, of course I do. You know me though. All I wear is sweats. Doesn’t mean I don’t like these,” he explains while holding up the three shopping bags.

“Whatever,” Harry says, eyes falling onto a cardigan with a bunch of flowers on it and forgetting his current conversation with Louis.

He picks it up just to look. He knows he shouldn’t buy something like this because he wouldn’t ever feel comfortable enough wearing it out. Sure, he branches out a lot with pieces, but something _this_ feminine? He hasn’t gained the confidence to do that yet.

“If you like it, buy it.”

Harry glances up to Louis and shakes his head. “I can’t.”

“Says who?” When Harry shrugs in response, Louis continues immediately. “Just get it, Harry. I can see you want it. If you don’t, then I’m going to get it for you.”

He laughs. “It’s not that big of a deal. I don’t need it.”

“You did this at a few other stores too and I’m sick of it,” he says as he walks over to browse through the different sizes, pulling one out that would fit Harry. “I’m buying it.”

“Louis...” He doesn’t even have time to finish talking because Louis is already storming to the checkout line. "Wait. I just thought it was—"

"Cute? Right? You thought it was cute?" Harry nods shyly and Louis shrugs. "So let's get it. You normally buy things you find cute, don't you? No big deal. We can call this my thank you gift for bringing me along." 

Harry smiles down at him, watching as he buys him this cardigan. It's such a small gesture, but Harry can't help but think about how much this means to him. It means a lot to have a boyfriend genuinely support him the way Louis does, no matter how big or small the issue is.

He decides to tell him as much as they head out of the store, Louis handing Harry the bag. "You're kind of really supportive. It's nice."

“I’ll support anything you love. Even ugly sweaters.”

Harry nudges him with wide eyes, holding back a laugh. “You think it’s _ugly_? Why the bloody hell would you buy it for me then? Are you trying to embarrass me?”

Louis laughs. “No. You like it. That’s why I bought it. Simple as that. It doesn’t really matter what I think at the end of the day, does it? Besides, everything looks good on you anyways, and I want to see you wearing this thing. It’d make me happy.”

Harry smiles at that and he can’t help himself as he lunges over to kiss Louis’ cheek. He knows that he genuinely just wants Harry happy, regardless if he doesn’t like the cardigan or not. If Harry likes it, he won’t argue with that. He’s showing that much by encouraging him this much to get it.

“Thank you,” he tells him quietly, nudging his nose against his cheek before pulling away, still keeping their hands intertwined.

“Anything for you.”

Harry stares at him for a beat longer, asking himself if he’s too young to fall in love.

****

The second they get inside from their long night of shopping and going out to eat, they start kissing. They start kissing more aggressively than they ever have before. Because Harry _wants_ Louis to feel it, he wants Louis to know how strongly he feels about him. He's sure that in his head he's aware, but he also wants him to feel it.

Ever since Louis bought him that fucking cardigan, he's gained this confidence that he didn't know he needed. So, when he starts playing with Louis' belt, it takes them both by surprise, because they have yet to do anything. They've only been dating about a month now, taking it slow since they were both entirely new to this. 

But now? Harry fucking needs him. And well? Louis needs him too.

(Yes. They both got a hard on already.)

Louis pulls away from Harry, fists up against his chest as they both pant, staring darkly into each other's eyes. “I’ve never...with a boy...”

“Me neither,” Harry says immediately. Eagerly. “I’m still prepared, though.”

He quirks an eyebrow up at that. “You are, aren’t you? Was this your plan all along? Haul me over here to fuck me?”

Harry can feel his cheeks reddening at that. No matter what situation they are in, Louis will find a way to bring humor into it. He loves embarrassing Harry.

He clears his throat, stepping away from Louis. “Quick pause.”

He goes over to his bag to get out the lube and condoms. He just had a feeling, okay? They have an entire room to themselves and it's just... it's perfect. He knew it'd be perfect, and he wants this. He wants it with Louis. 

During that, he hears Louis throw himself on the bed and once he turns around, he holds them both up for him to see. “See? I’m ready if you are.”

Louis bursts into laughter, throwing his head back into the pillows. Fuck. He looks absolutely gorgeous in every way possible. He might seriously love this boy one day if he doesn’t already.

“That’s my boy,” he says with a smirk, and that's all Harry can handle.

He doesn’t need him to say anything more. He just continues holding onto them and runs over to Louis, pouncing onto him. He lands on him hard and they both burst into laughter.

Everything just feels... meant to be. Yeah. That’s exactly it.

And Harry? Well. He couldn’t be more fucking happy to be here with Louis.


	10. ten

Louis is once again having a hard time. What else is new?

Well, at first, he was having a nice break with his sisters and aunt. When he was with them, he sort of forgot about everything else going on in his current life. It’s always a relief being able to see them and actually spend time with them. But, the holidays are never easy when you are dealing with grief, no matter how long ago it happened.

Sometimes it feels like it happened yesterday, and sometimes he can barely remember going through it because it feels so long ago.

No matter how old he gets, the holidays will be hard. There’s no denying that. It’s something that he’s always going to have to deal with, as well as all the other people in the world who have lost someone close to them.

There were tears like normal, but they also laughed as they thought of memories.

Overall, he had a good holiday with people he loved.

Right now, he’s at his flat with Zayn, just relaxing on the couch. Niall is out getting food from somewhere, so that leaves just the two of them to be lost in their own thoughts, minding their business.

He understands that Zayn is probably thinking about Liam, while Louis is trying to forget about the fucking phone call that Harry made to him on New Years.

How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? Harry telling him that he wanted Louis there instead of his boyfriend? It was fucked up, that’s for sure.

Harry tried to apologize for it but again, Louis couldn’t answer him. He didn’t want to say it was okay because it wasn’t. It was anything but okay.

Louis doesn’t think he’s ever been so confused in his life. Because a part of him wants to get back together with him, but then another part of him is saying it’s a bad idea.

He thinks it’s a bad idea because Harry has been with Greyson for over two years. He moved on from Louis and found himself someone good, and just because he suddenly found out the truth behind their breakup, he is willing to risk that? Willing to call up Louis and tell him he wished he was there instead of Greyson?

It’s not right. Louis knows it isn’t right and of course he would love to be with him again, but he can’t be the reason Harry lets go of someone like Greyson.

Everything is strange.

Louis turns to Zayn who has his head rested against the back of the couch, eyes closed tightly. He sucks in a deep breath, considering talking to his best mate about everything.

It won’t hurt... right? May as well get some of this shit off of his chest.

“You know when I left the pub to take that phone call?”

Zayn peaks one eye open. “Yeah. I remember.”

Louis sighs, sitting up nervously. He picks at the strings in the rips of his jeans. “It was Harry.”

He nods, expression neutral. “Figured. What’d he say?”

“That he wanted me to be with him instead of his boyfriend,” he responds, voice quiet. He watches as this catches Zayn’s attention, making him sit up with him. “He was really drunk, but like... yeah. He uh, said that. And I don’t know what to think of it.”

Zayn hums, taking a long drag from his cigarette. “It makes sense. You guys cleared everything up and now Harry misses your relationship.”

“It’s not right. That’s not fair to Greyson. Even if I don't know the lad... I just can't see this being a good thing.”

Zayn shrugs. “Harry can’t control his feelings. If he likes you better than Greyson, than that’s that. You know? Just from what I’ve seen, it’s obvious that Harry misses having you as his boyfriend. I can tell by the way he looks at you.”

Louis frowns because he feels stuck. He really doesn’t know what to fucking do.

He's simply putting himself in Greyson's position. If his boyfriend suddenly wanted to break up with him to go back to his ex that he supposedly hated, he doesn't know if he would ever recover from that. It would fucking wreck him if Harry did that to him. 

Because Harry? Harry's a special person. He's the type of person that once he walks into your life, you don't want him to walk out of it. 

Louis has felt that before. He's felt the hurt that went along with Harry once they stopped seeing each other. He of course was aware of the change Harry made in his life, but he didn't really understand how significant it was until he was gone.

He bites down on his lip hard. “But what if I—”

Suddenly there is a knock on the door startling them both. He glances back to Zayn who shakes his head, indicating he wasn’t expecting anybody. “You open it.”

Louis huffs. “Why me?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

Louis rolls his eyes but doesn’t have the energy to even argue. When he stands up and opens the door, he’s greeted with Harry on the other side. “Happy belated birthday, Lou,” he exclaims, holding up a muffin and Louis can’t stop himself as he bursts into laughter.

Apparently, the way Harry is going to react to that phone call he made is pretending it didn’t happen.

And yeah, Louis does want to be mad at him. He _is_ mad at him. He also still wants to talk about it because it’s bothering him, but then again... he just got Harry back. Well. Not _back_ back, but he doesn’t want to not be friends with him because of his drunken mistake.

So he can pretend it didn’t happen, too.

(He's weak. Okay?)

“Goodbye,” he says as he goes to close the door, but Harry quickly stops him.

“Not so fast. I got you something else, but I couldn’t not give you your favorite food to begin with.”

“Are those muffins?” Zayn asks from his spot on the couch once he notices them. “Niall loves muffins.”

“Unfortunately they are for Louis and not Niall,” Harry says, just as Louis yanks them from his hands.

“These are going straight in the trash,” he teases, making Harry nervously chuckle before he scratches at the back of his neck. That’s one of his nervous tactics he does a lot.

“Also, I had Gemma make this for you,” he explains as he holds out a gift bag, giving that to Louis as well. “You don’t have to open it with me here, unless you want to. It’s up to you. But uh... yeah. I really hope you like it.”

Louis frowns because he knows that Gemma is an artist. He can only suspect what’s inside of here.

“Maybe we can open it together later?” He asks, referring to no one else being around.

It’s not that he wouldn’t feel comfortable with Zayn or Niall there, but this just seems like it should be something that happens between just Harry and Louis.

Harry nods, forcing a smile on his face before he sighs. “Um. Do you want to go for a walk? We can get some hot chocolate.”

He knows that when Harry wants to go on a walk, he wants to speak about something. He’s probably going to bring up that phone call and Louis just...

Fuck. This is a mess. He thought they were going to forget about it??

(Okay. He realizes it's only been a couple minutes. But still. He was hoping for the best.)

Also, that’s what they used to do when they were dating. Go on walks with tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. It was one of their favorite ways to spend time together.

He glances back up to Harry’s pleading eyes and doesn’t even second guess himself. “Sure. Let me put these in my room really quick, alright?”

Harry nods and looks absolutely relieved. “Okay. Yeah, of course. Good.”

He makes the short walk to his bedroom, putting the bag down on his bed and taking a deep breath in. He can do this. They already had the most dreadful talk a month ago, so Louis will be able to get through this one. No matter what ends up happening.

Once he feels calm enough, he comes back to Zayn eyeing Harry up which is obviously making him antsy. He almost laughs as he sees Harry’s red face and Zayn's scowl. “Come on, you,” he says as he grabs a jacket.

Harry hurries out and the second the door is shut, he turns to Louis. “I’m going to assume you told him and that’s why he was staring me down like he was going to kill me.”

Oh. No wasting any time, then. Just perfect.

Louis nods, stuffing his hands into his pockets. “We were actually just talking about you.”

Harry bites down on his lip. “Yeah. Um. Makes sense,” he says anxiously, holding open the door from them as they make their way outside. “I’m sorry, Louis. I’m so sorry.”

“I know,” he says, because he does know that Harry is sorry. It was just an in the moment thing. Is he still mad? Of course. But he doesn't know if he should take it out on him anymore. He isn't strong enough to do so. “It’s not a big deal. As long as you’re still with Greyson, it doesn’t matter.”

This causes Harry to frown and pinch his eyebrows together. “What? You... you want me to stay with Greyson?”

Louis clears his throat, not sure where he is going with this. “Yeah. I do.”

Harry blinks. “Oh.”

After that, it’s dead silent. They walk on the sidewalk, both not knowing what to say or do next.

He doesn’t know what the fuck is going on.

“So um,” Louis starts, trying to break the tension. “It’s the last semester of school, huh? Crazy how time flies. What are your plans for afterwards?”

God. This is so fucking awkward. It’s never been awkward between them.

Harry nods, still looking upset. “Yeah. I’m going to keep the flat with Liam for a little until I make my own money to live on my own. I think I want to get a teaching job here,” he explains, turning to Louis. “I don’t think I’ve heard what you’re doing?”

“Wouldn’t you want to move in with Greyson?” Louis asks, ignoring his question.

Harry opens his mouth and then closes it. “I dunno.”

And okay then.

More silence.

 _Fuck_.

“So... what are you going to do?” Harry asks again, and Louis looks up at the sky like it holds the answer.

He is still planning on moving to London. That’s the dream he’s had for a while now. It’d be good, getting away from everyone. That way, Harry will forget about him again and be happy with his boyfriend.

“I actually have been saving up to move to London.”

Harry’s eyes widen at that. “Wait. Really?”

Louis nods and anxiously taps his jean pockets for a cigarette. Crap. He doesn’t have a pack in here, damn it. “Uh, yeah. I was going to move and try to get a job in theatre somewhere. I don’t care what it is, as long as I’m involved and... yeah.”

“Wow. London. That’s... far.”

“Kind of wanted to start over. You know?” He finds himself saying, and here they go. He can already feel them getting back to normal with their flowing conversation.

Because they always just got each other. No matter what.

“You want to be alone?” Harry asks sadly. “You want to leave all your friends and family behind?”

Louis shrugs and crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s what’s best for me.”

“Why?” Harry pushes, stopping their walk and grabbing his wrist, just the way he used to.

He forgot how worried Harry gets about every little thing.

He almost makes a joke, but then he looks into Harry’s genuine eyes and decides he may as well just be honest with him. “I have my reasons.”

“What are they?”

“If I’m alone, I can’t get hurt by anybody. And then vice versa. _I_ won’t be able to hurt anybody. I don’t..." He sucks in a shaky breath, looking back into Harry's curious eyes. "I’ve thought about your face in that bedroom since I left you every single day. I can’t do that to someone again. I didn’t think I was capable of that until it happened and I don’t want to risk it.”

Harry huffs, staring at Louis like he’s insane. “You realize the amount of people you’re going to hurt by moving there, right? Because you’re planning on moving out there and distancing yourself from everyone, aren’t you?”

He also forgot that they can read each other’s minds.

“Well, I—”

“Move to London, yeah. If that’s your dream, please live it. But don’t cut everybody out. You can’t do that. People care about you so much. I care about you so much and I can’t... we can’t go back to how things were. I want us to be close. I refuse to lose you again.”

Louis breaks the eye contact they were making because it was starting to become too much for him. He stares at his wrist that Harry is still gently holding, not knowing what to say.

“I know in your head you convince yourself you don’t deserve good things but that’s not true,” Harry adds on, giving his wrist a squeeze. “Please don’t become a gremlin that only comes out once a year.”

And just like that, Harry gets Louis to laugh and look back into his hopeful eyes. “Alright.”

Harry smiles softly and nods. “Good. Now let’s get some hot chocolate and go back to your flat to open your gift, yeah?”

Louis’ heart swells because he wishes he could kiss him. Instead, he simply smiles back at him. “Yeah. Okay.”

****

“She worked on it all break. Started it the second after I asked her to,” Harry explains as they sit on his bed.

Louis nods and stares at the bag that is sitting in the middle of them. Harry can sense that he’s a bit nervous because he quickly reaches over to place a hand on his knee, giving it a quick squeeze. “Are you sure you want me here?” He asks when Louis doesn’t say anything.

“Yeah,” he responds honestly, because he does want him here. Of course he does.

Instead of stalling any longer, he ends up reaching into the bag and pulling out the canvas. When he looks at it, everything sort of stops. Time stops.

Because he’s staring at a very beautifully painted portrait of his mum. One of his favorite pictures of her ever. Her smile is large, her eyes are bright and beautiful. Her hair falls over her shoulders just perfectly. She looks so young and so _happy_.

Every stroke is just so and Louis sucks in a shaky breath as he stares at it. He couldn’t ask for anything more special.

When he glances back up at Harry he’s watching him with careful eyes and he can barely talk but he manages out a small voice. “Thank you. And please, tell Gemma—”

“I know. I will. I’m happy you like it.”

Louis smiles and looks back at the picture. He doesn’t want to look at anything else for a while.

****

“I think I’m starting to like Louis again,” he blurts to Niall, feeling sick to his stomach.

Well. There’s that.

It’s the first day back in school and they’re on their way to their second class of the day. Apparently, Harry is unable to hold it in any longer as he tells Niall his big news.

Well, it’s not _that_ big of news. Harry’s been struggling with this for a while now, ever since they became good again. But this is the first time he’s admitting it to someone like this.

Niall gives him what could be labeled as a disgusted look. He’s judging him, isn’t he? Fuck, he can’t have Niall thinking he’s a piece of shit. If Niall Horan doesn’t like you then it’s very clear that you have done something wrong in your life—

“Okay? Then get with him?”

Oh. He didn’t expect that. For some reason, this causes Harry to glare at him. He thinks it’s only because he’s taken back by that response. “I don’t know if it’s that simple. What about Greyson?”

“Sure it is. Do you want to kiss him?”

Harry frowns. “Greyson?”

“No, stupid. Louis.”

_All the time._

Instead, he shrugs. “Maybe,” he mumbles.

“There’s your answer.”

Harry clears his throat awkwardly. This is his first time seeing Niall since before break, so he hasn't gotten the chance to really talk to him. So carefully, he decides to bring up what's been bothering him. “On New Years Eve... did Louis like... did he say anything about me?”

“What would he say about you?”

Quickly, since he can see it in his eyes that Niall genuinely doesn’t know, he continues. “Nothing,” he rushes, shaking his head as he thinks back to the phone call. “I’m such a piece of shit. I’m literally the worst human being and I don’t know what to do about it.”

Niall chuckles, shoving Harry. “Christ. You really are just like Louis. It’s funny now knowing what I know and seeing the way you two act. Seeing how similar, yet different you are,” he says and when he notices Harry’s frown deepens, he adds on. “There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get back together with Louis. Even if that means you’d have to break up with Greyson. I feel like if you’re even questioning your relationship with him, that’s a sign, isn’t it? If Louis is all you can think about, rather than your actual boyfriend? It doesn’t make you a piece of shit. We can’t control our feelings. And alright, fine. Maybe it’s not that simple. But so what? If you get what you want in the end, wouldn’t it all be worth it? Also, staying with Greyson just because you feel bad is probably worse than breaking up with him to get back with Louis. At least that's how I see it.”

“I guess—”

“I think that the most important thing to do right now is to fucking communicate, H. Because that’s what led to your break up years ago. Miscommunication. You need to talk to Louis, talk to Greyson. Complaining to me about this isn’t going to help you.”

“Hey,” Harry whines, but he can’t help but smile as he does. “You’re actually pretty good at advice,” he says, realizing that he actually listened to every word he just said.

“I know,” Niall grins, looking too proud of himself.

“But like... fuck. All break, all I could think about was the fact I never liked Greyson as much as he liked me. And that’s screwed up. _That’s_ what makes me a horrible person. Our entire relationship, I just was with him to be with someone. I like him, sure, but not... I don’t love him the way he loves me.”

Niall rolls his eyes. “Because you love Louis. You loved Louis even when you pretended you didn’t.”

Harry scoffs. “Actually, I hated him when we broke up.”

“Well, kind of. You were extremely mad at him, and rightfully so. But deep down you always loved him, even if you hated him for what he did to you. There’s a difference, you know? You could hate a person’s actions while still loving them.”

All the amusement Harry had left in him is gone. Niall’s right. There hasn’t been a day that he truly stopped loving him.

“I’m going to be sick,” Harry says out of nowhere, causing Niall to create distance between them.

“Don’t you dare puke near me,” he demands. “Just talk to them. Figure out your shit, you’ll feel better once you do.”

Harry gulps. It’s easier said than done, isn’t it?

****

So here’s the thing. Two weeks have passed and Louis and Harry are as close as they were before. They’ve spent a lot of time together, with the other boys or even by themselves. Their conversations are the way they used to be, their banter is as strong as ever.

They’re also back to being touchy. Whenever the opportunity is there, they touch because they can. Whether it’s an arm around a shoulder, holding a wrist, knees bumping into each other. There’s always some point of contact between them.

And Harry? He’s fucked. He’s fucked because he’s in love with Louis and he’s still with Greyson.

He thinks that the problem is he doesn’t want to break up with Greyson over the phone. He at least owes him an in person break up, but he doesn’t know when that will be since they’re both extremely busy.

He wants to go over to his uni to do it, but that’s sort of fucked up. Showing up for a visit and ending it with a break up. He can’t do that either.

The only thing he knows is that he needs Louis. He needs him more than ever.

They’re currently at some party and he’s been standing with Niall for the past 30 minutes just watching Louis hang out with Zayn and Liam. He’s trying to get them together subtly and it’s probably the funniest thing Harry’s ever seen.

Liam is still oblivious as Louis bumps into Zayn to get him to bump into Liam. They both know that they like each other, but both refuse to be the first to make a move. So that’s why Louis is trying to help them out.

“Don’t tell anyone, but Zayn is getting on my damn nerves.”

Harry turns to a pouting Niall. “Why?”

“Because he just sits there in the flat and doesn’t talk.”

“Why would that annoy you?”

“Since I know he’s thinking about Liam. All he does is think about Liam but doesn’t do anything about it,” he mutters, shaking his head and slamming his red solo cup on the table. He then stands on it and Harry widens his eyes, trying to get him down but it’s too late. “Hey! Zayn and Liam! You both want to suck each other off so get the fuck on with it already! This is so Goddamn boring and miserable!”

Harry almost chokes on his beer as he turns to Louis who bursts into laughter. He can’t stop himself as he hurries over to them, grabbing Louis’ wrist and tugging him away from Liam and Zayn who are now furiously blushing.

“Please, let’s go. I have secondhand embarrassment,” Harry says as he doesn’t even give Louis the chance to agree or disagree.

But he doesn’t need to. He knows Louis would rather go outside with him.

"Oh my God, Zayn is actually going to murder Niall for that," Louis laughs as the breeze hits them.

Harry doesn't drop his wrist as they continue walking. He just brings him over to a nearby tree, sitting down in the grass. Louis follows, of course. "Do you think that's the final push they needed?" 

Louis shakes his head. "Zayn will probably make up an excuse that Niall is drunk."

They rest their backs against the tree, making themselves comfortable. "We almost need to have an intervention for them." 

"At this point, it's up to God, I think. We did everything we could."

Harry laughs, pulling up the sleeves of his jacket to cover up his hands. He looks over to Louis who is taking out a cigarette to smoke. Sitting here with him and all Harry can think about is how gorgeous he is. "I thought you and Zayn had something going on when we all first started hanging out," he says out of fucking nowhere for no real reason. 

He definitely doesn't expect Louis' response to that. "I know." 

Harry's eyes widen at him admitting this. "You what?"

"I figured you did and that's why I made sure to act extra touchy with Zayn. It was the only way to get you to look at me." 

He can't stop his jaw from opening and staying that way. He's... fuck. "You're a piece of shit," he mutters, feeling really embarrassed. 

"I'm aware. But it worked, didn't it?" He winks at him and Harry fights the urge to actually punch him.

Harry rolls his eyes. "I hate you." 

"God," Louis laughs suddenly, scrubbing a hand down his face. "That day was something else."

He can feel his cheeks becoming even more red. "Yeah. You fucking attacked me."

"I was so mad at you," Louis chuckles, and Harry joins in. "I didn't have anymore words... so I just... I threw myself at you."

"Because you're crazy," Harry says, a little too fondly. 

"That's me," Louis smiles widely, putting the cigarette between his teeth. 

Harry watches him a little longer before they fall into a comfortable silence, the sound of the party behind them. 

He thinks back to Niall's advice. How he told Harry he needs to communicate. 

He was right about that. Sure, Louis and Harry talk all the time. Everything is natural with them, but for some reason, when it comes to more serious, important topics, they are left unsaid. 

So sitting here next to him, it takes him back to years ago, when Harry was so close to telling Louis back then that he loved him. But he didn't. He didn't tell him and now that he thinks of it, he wonders if that would have also changed things between them. If it would have affected them the night of their breakup.

He wanted to tell him so many times but he didn't. And that's something he regrets.

But here they are now. They are back in their lives and Harry doesn't think he can go another second without at least letting Louis know.

He nervously clears his throat which prompts Louis to look back at him. He starts talking the second he sees those blue eyes. “You remember that one party at the end of the school year? The one where we both got drunk and ran off to the gardens? Right before everything that went wrong happened?”

Louis freezes, inhaling from his cigarette shakily while he nods. “How could I forget?”

Harry blinks, looking down at his hands. His eyes are too hard to stare into right now. He fiddles around with his rings. This is it. “It’s also when I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you. That very second, when we were staring at each other under the stars.”

It’s silent for a while and he’s too scared to see Louis’ reaction right now, so he keeps his eyes locked on his hands instead. He understands it was stupid to say this, but he couldn’t help it. They have been so shitty when it comes to talking about these things, that he needed to just let it out. Even if the timing is awful.

“Why are you telling me this now, Harry?” His voice is timid, and Harry feels horrible.

He shrugs, still not looking. “Because this reminds me of it. When I knew. I never told you, but I always knew."

More silence. But then, something lovely happens.

“I always knew, too.”

Harry finally turns his head to Louis to see he’s already looking at him. They’ve never admitted this out loud to each other. It’s obvious they were both aware, but they simply didn’t say it.

It makes Harry frown. “I wish I said it,” he says his thoughts to him, heart aching. “I don’t know why I didn’t tell you.”

“You’re telling me now, aren’t you?”

Harry nods and finds his eyes drifting to Louis’ lips. “Yeah. I loved you very much.” Love. _I love you very much_ , he thinks.

Louis smiles genuinely at that as he puts out his cigarette, throwing it in the grass. It’s a sad smile, no doubt about that, but it’s still there. “I think that’s why I personally didn’t tell you. I loved you so much that it scared me. I was always so scared.”

Harry was scared too. He's still scared when it comes to their relationship. And he's sick of being scared. He is also so sick of thinking. All that he’s been doing lately is nonstop thinking and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

So he lets himself just act. He doesn’t even try to stop himself as he lunges toward Louis, pressing their lips together. He feels the tears welling behind his eyes as he keeps them closed. “I miss you,” he admits against his mouth, not letting Louis respond as he kisses him again.

But Louis pulls away, staring Harry down with wild eyes. “You can’t be kissing me. You’re... you are still with Greyson.”

Fuck.

Harry nods, feeling the tears building up more and more. “I know. Fuck. I’m... I’m sorry.” Louis stares at him speechless, and he’s realizing how badly he just messed this all up. Again. He’s a wreck and needs to get out of here. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, standing up and leaving Louis all alone.

That went well.

****

Louis is pacing outside Harry’s door again. After spending all night thinking about the kiss, he’s made up his mind.

Harry can’t break up with Greyson because of him. Louis won’t let him do that. It’d be different if they were only dating a couple months, but he’s been with Greyson for _years_.

So yeah. He’s got to remind Harry of this because apparently he forgot. Ever since they became friends again, they’ve been caught up in each other too much. It's just a thing when they get together, they become lost in their company. 

Really, it's like a repeat of when they first met. But that can’t happen this time.

Once he finally builds up the courage to knock on his door, he takes in a deep breath to prepare himself. He’s going to have to say things he doesn’t even mean, but it’s for the better. He has to keep reminding himself that this is what is best for them.

Harry opens the door slowly, looking exhausted and Louis would love to kiss his tired face again, but he can’t. He won’t.

“We need to stay friends,” Louis explains suddenly, watching Harry’s face fall even more. He can see he wasn’t expecting that. “Greyson is good for you. You’ve been with him for two years, Harry. We had something good, yeah? It’s just... I don’t know. I wish it could work. I really do. But I simply don’t see that happening.”

He’s lying. He’s lying and he wants to tell Harry he still loves him, but that’d be selfish of him. He shouldn’t have him break up with his long term boyfriend because of what they once shared.

Harry eyes become glossy (of fucking course they do) as he opens the door a little wider to fully reveal himself. “What are you saying?”

Fuck. This is harder than he intended it to be. “I want what’s best for you, and I don’t think that’s me. I hurt you in the worst way possible. Greyson hasn’t done that. You need to stay with him. We can’t... we kissed, but we can forget about it. It was an in the moment thing.”

“It was a misunderstanding,” Harry argues desperately. “We both fucked up. Okay? I’m past it. Also, don’t act like you know what’s best for me. That isn’t up to you to say.”

“I don’t want anything more with you,” Louis says, seeing Harry deflate more. “We have to be just friends, Harry. That’s it.”

Harry opens his mouth to argue further, but Louis couldn’t be more happy when he closes it in defeat. “Fine. If that’s what _you_ want, then fine. Always getting your way, aren’t you?” He spits just before he slams the door in his face.

Great. He’s mad at him all over again.

Can’t say he expected that.

****

On Harry’s birthday, he’s woken up to everyone blasting Queen, along with a cake being held out in front of his face.

He rubs his sleepy eyes, looking up to Louis who he is so upset with still, but in this moment, he doesn’t want to be. He wants to enjoy the morning with him.

It's been a week since he last saw Louis. He understands where Louis was coming from with his rant about Greyson, of course he does. It's an awful situation they're both in. But really, it isn't up to Louis to tell him who's better for him. In his head, Harry knows what he wants. He knows who he prefers. He wants to be with Louis more than anyone else in the world and it's always going to be that way. 

They can revisit the topic later. But now? He can forget about it. Only for a little.

Zayn, Liam, and Niall stand behind Louis as he sits on the bed, waiting for Harry to blow out the candles. He stares into his blue eyes as he does so, unable to stop the smile that comes on his face. He wants to kiss Louis and thank him, tell him how much he loves him. Again.

And soon enough, Louis’ loud voice fills his ears all over again. “Happy birthday, Curls! The day is going to be spent celebrating you!”

“Yeah?” He asks in a daydream, lost in his eyes. “What are we doing? Hm? Also, did you bake this?”

Louis laughs and nods his head. “Yes. I take all the credit.”

“Bullshit! We all helped!” Niall says, shoving Louis and Harry grabs his shoulder to steady him so he doesn’t drop the cake on Harry’s bed.

“Nope. All me,” Louis says as he winks at Harry and once again, it takes everything in him not to kiss him.

Harry glances around the room, landing back in Louis' eyes at the end. “Well. Regardless. Thank you all for the beautiful awakening.”

“Anything for a beautiful boy,” Louis says as he stands up. “Come on! Cake for breakfast!”

Harry tries not to cry at him casually calling him that. Instead, he forces a smile on his face and follows them all out into the kitchen.

So much for not being upset on his birthday.

****

It’s been a month and Harry is miserable. He hasn’t been this fucking upset since Louis and him broke up.

He has been doing okay for the most part. Louis and him have been talking and hanging out, both of them not bringing up the kiss or the conversation they had after that. But it’s been nagging him in the back of the head every time he sees him. He just can't get himself to talk. What else is new?

Especially now. They’re at a party and Harry has barely talked to Louis since they got here. The reason for that? Because Logan caught his fucking attention.

And it hits Harry hard. It hits him extra hard. Possibly the hardest _yet_.

He’s jealous. He’s mad. And he’s hurt. All he wants is for Louis and him to be together like they’re supposed to be.

They’re wasting their time by not being together. He knows in his heart that they aren’t made for anyone else. It was always supposed to be them, ever since they fucking met.

He’s been standing alone, just staring at Louis who catches Harry’s eyes every so often, looking confused about why he’s glaring at him. He doesn’t even make the effort to include Harry in their conversation, so he can only guess what they’re talking about.

It feels like his heart is being stabbed.

The last thing he can handle is seeing Logan wrap his arm around Louis, nuzzling his face into his neck as they both laugh. It looks way too similar to how they act with each other.

Except now everything is different.

So Harry throws his cup on the ground and turns around to leave.

****

Louis watches Harry storm off and he can’t let him do that. Not when something is clearly wrong.

“I’ll be right back,” he tells Logan once they’re done laughing, not waiting for a response as he chases after Harry.

He barely catches him once he's outside, but thankfully he sees the back of his curls and he has to basically run to be close enough. “Harry! Wait,” he breathes, actually causing him to stop. He turns around slowly and he doesn’t hesitate to question him. “What’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird all night, giving me all these looks from afar,” he accuses, crossing his arms.

Harry just laughs breathlessly, shaking his head and bringing his eyes away from Louis. A curl falls down on his forehead and Louis wants nothing more than to brush it away.

"I have no right to be jealous right now," he admits weakly, voice barely above a whisper. His head picks back up and he's staring back at him. His eyes look glossy. And what? Jealous? Of who? _Logan_? "I have a fucking boyfriend and I know you said we have to stay just friends after I kissed you but... I just—I want _you_. That’s why I kissed you even though I’m still with him. All this time, since the second you walked back into my life, I tried so hard to pretend I didn't want you. I wish I could just get over you but I can't. I _still_ love you and there's never going to be a day I don't. We can't _just_ be friends."

He wasn't expecting that. Not at all. It takes him a moment to collect all his thoughts and even form his own words.

Harry just admitted he still loves Louis and would rather be with him and... no. No, he can't allow that. Even as bad as he wants it to be, it's not right. That's not what is in the stars for them. So he sighs. "But Greyson—"

"Did you not just hear me? Fuck Greyson," he snaps before stopping himself. "Sorry. I don't mean that. He's a great guy and all but he's not you. No one is you. Louis, the very first minute we officially met, I knew I was thoroughly fucked because everyone else that came after you would never be able to compare. At this point I'd rather be alone than be with someone that isn't you. You're my favorite person in the world... even when you weren't. How does that even make any sense? Nothing makes sense I guess when it comes to us but that's what makes us... us. My point is, I'm done pretending that it'd be easy for me to settle with anything other than you, because it's not. I'm all in, whatever that means. I want you back and I'm willing to fight for you if I have to, just like you were in the beginning of the year. I'm sorry I was too stubborn to allow myself to feel what I wanted to and ruining where we could have been now. Please just... can we start over?"

Louis lets out a shaky breath, and because he’s so shocked with every word he just said, he ends up replying in the most shitty way possible. "That might've been the fastest you've ever talked."

Harry nods and runs a hand down his face. “Well,” he spits, clearly frustrated. He waits for Louis to say something, but Louis doesn’t know if he has anything to say.

Yeah. He loves Harry, too. He still loves him to this day. But it’s because he loves him that he can’t give in. He can’t risk ruining Harry’s life again.

“Harry...” he starts slowly, and that seems to be enough for Harry, because he glares at Louis and just turns around, walking away.

It feels like the fucking bedroom all over again. A returning nightmare.


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you guys so much for reading! i hope you enjoyed xx  
> sorry if there are any small errors on this chapter. my laptop kept breaking down on me, and I was getting frustrated so I rushed a little so I could post this before I take it in to get fixed. But otherwise, everything should be fine :)

Harry genuinely feels like his life has no meaning again. Well, to be fair, he’s not sure if it’s had meaning since Louis and him broke up for the first time. 

Sure, they weren’t even _dating_ this time around, but after pouring his heart out to him and seeing him react the way he did... he feels like absolute shit. It's almost as if he's 16 again, hopelessly wanting to be with him. But this time round, he directly told Louis how he feels, only to be basically rejected. And now, Harry simply hates his life. 

(No. He is not being dramatic.)

That’s pathetic, isn’t it? That his happiness depends this much on another person. It’s almost not healthy.

Maybe Louis was right. Maybe Greyson is the better choice.

He groans to himself after thinking that because no. He doesn’t believe that. Now he’s just trying to convince himself once again so he can get over him.

It’s not going to happen. He’s going to be fucking 80 years old still moping around about Louis.

He's about to be sick coming to this realization. 

Right now, he’s packing up because he's going to go home for a month to be with his family since school has officially ended.

He’s graduated. Yay. Time to move on with his life once and for all. Whatever the hell that may be. 

It’s hard to do that though, because there’s a knock on his door and he freezes, knowing who it is without even opening it yet. Just when he thought he was going to move past this (for the second time), he’s here.

If he was strong, he wouldn’t answer it. But he’s not. So he hurries and swings the door open to see Louis standing there in a hoodie and shorts on the other side. He stands there stiffly, clearly nervous. Louis doesn't get nervous too often, but when he does, it's easy to notice.

“Zayn and Liam are together now. Did he tell you?” He asks, hands in his pockets.

That's another thing he does. When he’s nervous, he blurts out shit that isn't relevant. 

Don't get him wrong. He's glad Zayn and Liam are together after the entire year they spent pining after one another. But that's not his main concern right now, to talk to Louis about that. That's not why he came.

“He’s my best mate. And my flatmate. Of course he told me,” he says sharply, watching Louis’ face fall. “Now please say the real reason why you’re here.”

He’s hurt. Okay? He can’t stop himself from being snappy right now. He just doesn't want any more mixed signals from him.

Louis sighs, shoulders dropping. “Did you mean all of that? At the party?”

Harry almost laughs at the question. He can't be serious, right? After everything they've been through? “No. I just said all that because I fancy making a fool of myself.”

Louis chews on his lip, ignoring his sarcastic reply. He’s clearly tripping over his own head as he comes up with what to say next. “We can’t do anything if you’re still with Greyson.”

Not like he already kissed him or anything.

Harry’s pissed.

“I’m breaking up with him once I get home. I shouldn’t exactly break up with my boyfriend of two years over text, don’t you think?” He snaps and Louis shuts his mouth. “It’s not like it matters to you anyways though, since you’re still consistent on the fact that we shouldn’t be together.”

Louis sighs, defeated. “You know why I said what I did. I was saying all that for you.”

He hates that Louis is still denying them. At this point, there’s no reason to. He knows how Harry feels about him, and there’s no way he doesn’t feel the same about Harry. It’s just more wasting time. They had a messy past, sure, but it's over with. 

“Oh, so now you want to think for me? No. It doesn’t work like that. I know what I want. I told you and you’re still trying to hide from it. From us. I don’t understand why.”

It’s true. He really doesn’t get it. It's almost like in Louis' head, he doesn't think he deserves Harry in that way anymore. As a boyfriend.

“Because I love you and I really want what’s best for you and I truly don’t believe it’s me. You shouldn’t break up with Greyson over this, Harry. Please don’t do this.”

And yup. There it is. He can hear it in his voice how much this hurts him and how scared he is to hurt Harry again.

Harry shouldn't be mad with him. Not when he knows how much Louis cares about people. He's still mad at himself for what happened between them, that much is obvious. So now, he feels the need to punish himself for it.

Sure, Harry's been mad at him too, especially after he rejected him at the party specifically. But since he's weak, he can’t stay mad at him. He’s spent enough time being mad. Also, not when he truly is just trying to protect Harry.

It breaks his heart, honestly. That Louis still thinks so lowly of who he is as a person.

So he closes the distance and grabs his hand, not even doubting his actions once. He misses holding his hand. “You need to stop thinking so negatively about yourself. It’s the one thing I hate about you,” he says with a light tone, and thankfully, it actually makes Louis laugh.

There it is.

“Only one?”

Harry shrugs, already feeling the entire mood shift. “And that you’re annoying but lovely.”

Louis shakes his head and pulls away but the smile is prominent. Harry's heart swells as they pause and stare at each other. “I’ll see you, Harry,” he eventually says, and at least that's not a goodbye.

Still, Harry can’t let him go. Not like this. So he hurries and speaks up. “Louis?” He asks before he leaves completely. When he stops and brings his attention back to him, he continues. “Um. Would you care if I were to come visit you and your family? Maybe next week?”

This is something he’s been considering for a while now. He just never found the right time to ask him, and he couldn’t exactly do that while they weren’t talking. But Louis came here to talk before Harry left, so he’s making the effort. Harry will too.

He watches Louis become sad and at this moment he wishes they were still holding hands so he could squeeze it in his own. “I guess that’s fine. I’m sure the girls would be happy to see you...”

“I’d love to see them,” he adds on, licking his lips nervously. “We’ll text, yeah?”

With a soft voice, Louis nods. “Yeah.”

Harry smiles at that.

Maybe they’ll figure this out after all.

****

Harry has never broken up with someone before. But let’s just say he never wants to do it again.

When he reunited with Greyson, it was hard because he was happy. He was genuinely _happy_ to see him, but apparently Harry was too visibly upset, because the second he really took the chance to look at him, he understood that something was wrong.

“Alright, Harry. What the hell is the problem? You’ve been treating me like shit this entire school year,” he snapped, pulling away from their hug.

He told him to meet him outside the bakery. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to break up with him at any of their houses, so he figured doing it basically where they first met would be the best option.

Which. He now realizes how stupid that was.

Harry sighed, guilt pooling in his stomach. “I didn’t mean to,” he said weakly, and Greyson just stared.

“What the hell is it?”

He didn't even hesitate at that point. “I want to break up.”

And just like that, he said it with no explanation. He simply said the words and had to watch Greyson basically crumble in front of him.

“Why?” He asked softly, not yet mad, just... just hurt.

Harry dared glancing back up at him, feeling his own eyes pooling with tears because he did feel bad. He does like Greyson, he always will. Just not in that way.

It simply sucks that it took Louis coming back into his life for him to realize this.

“Because I’m still in love with my ex boyfriend.”

Greyson took a step back, and Harry wished that he could take it all back, but instead, Greyson shook his head in disgust. “Fuck you.”

And then Harry cried. Greyson left.

He tried to reach out to him again, apologizing endless times and saying he didn’t mean for this to happen. He tried absolutely everything. He went to his house, only to be sent away by his sister. It was clear that Greyson didn’t want to talk to him for a while and Harry can’t say he blames him for that.

Maybe one day he’ll be able to fix things between them. Where they can be friends again. Because Greyson was always there for him, he was a good person that Harry trusted.

It's just horrible that things turned out this way for them.

Harry knows he’s selfish. He is a shitty person and he is the only one to blame. But when it comes to Louis, he has no fucking control. He would do anything just to be with him.

He sort of hates himself for it.

So driving over to Louis’ aunts house, he tries his best to forget about everything that happened in the last week. He tries to focus on the fact he’s going to see Louis, see the boy that he’s truly in love with.

Things have been difficult but maybe in the end, everything will be worth it, like Niall said.

And he’s just going to have to live with the fact that he just broke a very good person’s heart.

When he gets to the house, he feels sick to his stomach because he hasn’t seen these girls in years. They’ve all grown up so much, and he doesn’t even know if Daisy and Phoebe would remember him.

Eventually he forces himself out of the car to knock on the door, and he's thankful when Louis is the one who answers. 

Harry notices straight away that he looks exhausted. He's got bags under his eyes, hair sticking in every direction. He's got his usual sweats on, smells like cigarettes. Even with all that, he's as gorgeous as he always has been.

Harry is so fucking in love.

"Hi," he greets softly, not even hesitating as he hugs him. "How are you?" 

Louis laughs a bit breathlessly. "It's been a week, babe."

"A week too long," he jokes, even though he's serious. He pulls away, putting his hand under Louis' chin to get him to tilt his head up. "Really though. You're okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?" He asks, although they're both aware of when Louis is feeling like shit. When he feels like shit, he allows himself to look it as well.

Even though he never actually looks _bad_. Just a bit disheveled, that's all.

"This place is nice," Harry says, changing the subject. "Very homey." 

"Yeah. It's a little small when we're all here, but we make it work."

Harry smiles, rubbing his hand along Louis' arm. "Shall we go inside?" 

Louis nods, and once again, he's nervous. Harry was nervous, until he became in Louis' presence, but he can't help but wonder what's making him look all worked up. Does he not want Harry seeing his family? There's something that Louis isn't telling him. 

Regardless, he lets Harry walk in and the house seems more quiet than it should be. "Where is everyone?" He asks, because there is no way they are home.

"They're out shopping," he answers quietly, and that's all Harry can take. 

"Alright. Louis. What's wrong? Why are you being so distant?" He asks, feeling his own face fall. "Talk to me, yeah? I'm here, I'll listen." 

At this, Louis glances up to him behind his long eyelashes. He chews on his bottom lip, staying quiet for a beat longer before finally cracking. "I just... I don't know. I keep thinking about us. You're here in my new family home, and we're going to try our relationship again. But I feel like shit because... because I-I still wish I told my mum about us."

Oh. That's what this is. They're about to get together for the second time and he is never going to get the chance to talk to his mum about them like the way he wanted to. This time round, he'll be able to tell his sisters and his aunt, but not his mum. 

Harry frowns, trying to think of something to say that couldn't possibly further upset him. "I know you did and I'm sorry that you never got the chance."

"I get we weren't exactly subtle and she probably figured it out on her own, but it doesn't exactly make me feel better because I should've just told her instead of letting her wonder in her mind." 

"I understand," Harry says gently, squeezing his bicep. "At least we can tell everyone else now, right? And Lou, your mum, there is no way she didn't know. Mum's know these things before you even do."

It's true. When Harry came out to his mum, she just smiled and nodded and let him know that she was happy he finally figured himself out. She was just waiting for him to come to her. Especially when he told his mum he was dating Louis, she basically started cheering and said she knew it was going to happen.

And Louis is right, they weren't exactly subtle. Harry's family knew at the time, while Louis' family didn't for obvious reasons. But even Harry could tell they had their suspicions whenever they were together, watching their interactions no matter how big or small.

When two people love each other, it's so easy to see. 

There's no good way to talk about this because it's just something that Louis is going to have to live with for the rest of his life. Harry feels for him immensely, and he hopes one day he can forgive himself for not telling her who he really was. Who he loved. 

"Thank you," he mumbles softly, reaching up and putting his hand flat against Harry's cheek. "She was always amused with how much I talked about you."

Harry laughs, eyes already filling up with tears. "We were really obvious." 

"I guess that's being young and in love for you." 

Harry nods aggressively, lifting his own hand up to rest over Louis'. "It most definitely is."

Soon after that, Louis gives Harry the small tour of the place. It's smaller than his old house, but that makes sense since his aunt didn't move in here with the intention of living with a big family. Louis explains to Harry that she was the typical aunt who lived by traveling alone, meeting people and going from there. But ever since her sister died, she settled down and knew that this was the right thing to do. The only thing to do.

Harry spots the portrait that he had Gemma draw for him already hung up by the fireplace. He smiles to himself as he stares at it because it's _so_ beautiful. Absolutely bloody gorgeous. 

When Gemma finished it and showed him, he doesn't think he stopped crying that entire night. Everything hit him at once again, and he couldn't wait to give it to Louis. It is one of the best things that she has ever painted. It was everything that he imagined it to be when he handed her the photograph to recreate. 

Right before they sit down on the couch, they hear car doors slamming and Louis wraps his hand around Harry's wrist, causing them to continue standing. "They're home."

Harry swallows thickly, really hoping that he's going to be able to hold his tears in. 

Louis drags him to the front door just when it opens, and since everyone was already expecting him to be here, they immediately start greeting him. "Harry!" Lottie shouts, first and foremost. "Jesus Christ. What the hell happened to you?" 

He laughs, all the weight off his chest lifting just like that. "I have no idea what you're talking about." 

"You are literally a giant! I don't remember you being this tall!" 

"It's called a growth spurt, Lots," Louis mutters, and Harry just squeezes his hand that he finds himself holding. He doesn't remember grabbing it.

"Yeah, but at 17? I thought you stopped growing by that age." 

"Guess I'm different," Harry responds as all the other girls start piling in.

He sees Fizzy first who just scoffs, eyes not even hesitating to look at their hands together. "So no one is going to mention it? You're just going to pretend you're not bloody dating again? The second Louis told us he was gay, all I could think about was how you guys dated. He wouldn't admit it to us, but I knew! Especially after he was a miserable prat the second you guys stopped talking!"

Harry smiles brightly at this, glancing at Louis who just rolls his eyes. 

"Fizzy, relax," his aunt says as she closes the door, carrying a bunch of bags in her arms. "Harry, it's nice to see you. I think we met briefly once before, if I remember correctly?"

Harry drops Louis' hand, walking over to grab some of the bags off her arms to help her out. "Uh, yes! We did meet. I came over on Louis' birthday for a little. Hi," he adds lamely, making Louis laugh. 

"He's a suck up," he says from behind him as Harry turns to give him a glare. 

He's not, okay? It's just no one was helping this poor lady and she was obviously struggling to keep all the bags up.

Louis is annoying. 

"You've got arms too, you know," Harry accuses, not understanding why he's not helping her either. 

"Aren't you going to say hi to your favorite twins? Did you forget about us?" Phoebe asks, crossing her arms. Harry finally looks over to the two of them, Daisy and Phoebe, and his heart grows about ten times bigger. 

Out of all the siblings, the twins were the ones that they spent the most time with. They always were bothering them whenever they were at Louis' house, begging them to take them just about anywhere. Louis would tell them no, and Jo would get on his arse straight away, telling him to spend at least one hour with the girls. 

Harry loved every moment. 

"I'm offended you think I'd ever forget you girls," he says, adjusting the bags that are rather fucking heavy. What the hell are in these things?

"Are you guys dating or not!" Fizzy yells, making Daisy push at her. 

"You just screamed right in my ear!"

Harry decides to take over. "Well, to answer your question, I'm trying to get Louis to date me but you know how stubborn he is. Looks like we're going to have to spend the day convincing him to let me take him out."

"Done and done," Lottie says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Now can we make some tea and all catch up?"

Harry glances back at Louis who is actually blushing. It gets him to smile all over again, and by this rate, he knows he'll officially be calling Louis his boyfriend again by tomorrow.

"I forgot how annoying you are with my family," Louis mutters as they all start walking toward the kitchen. 

"Love you," Harry teases, making a kissy face at him. It gets him to laugh, and they all huddle around the table.

Harry hasn't been this happy in a long time.

****

“They hate me, don’t they? There’s no way they still aren’t mad at me for everything.”

They just parked outside Harry’s house after spending the night at his aunt's, and Louis has been freaking out the entire way. Because he hasn’t been in Sheffield since his mum passed, and now here he is, back with Harry, the ex that is not his ex anymore.

They’re... well. They’re going to start over. They’re going to try again.

But that doesn’t make this current situation any better. He can only imagine what Gemma and Anne know since Harry tells his family everything.

There is no way they don’t hate Louis for breaking his heart.

“What?” Harry asks, surprised, turning to face him from the driver's seat. “They absolutely do not hate you, Lou.”

“I wouldn’t blame them if they did,” he mumbles, insecure. “I don’t know if I can face them.”

Harry shakes his head aggressively. “You can. And once you do, you’ll feel fine. I promise. I wouldn’t bring you here if I knew they didn’t want to see you. My mum has been bothering me to see you again ever since I said we’ve been talking.”

“Gemma hates me,” he says instantly. “There is no fucking way that woman likes me.”

Sure, Gemma painted him that portrait of his mum, but that’s only because she did it for Harry. And the fact that she’s not a bloody horrible person.

But the girl can hold a grudge. Louis has seen it.

Harry sighs, running a hand through his hair. “It might take a little longer for Gemma to let you back in, sure. But she doesn’t hate you either.”

Everything used to be so easy for him and lately, all he's been doing is struggling. He's not used to this, being so fucking awkward and shy and whatnot. He can tell that Harry's been noticing it, trying to help him break through, but it's not going as smoothly as he probably hopes. 

Louis is trying to pull himself together, he really is. He's just so fucking nervous about getting back together with Harry because he knows if he messes up again, that's it for them. And he can't have that happening.

"I'm sorry," he finds himself whispering, feeling the urge to explain himself. "If it's not obvious enough, I've been freaking out ever since you said you wanted to officially get back together. Also, I feel like shit that you literally just broke up with Greyson and now here we are about to—"

"Hey," Harry interrupts, reaching over to grab his hands. "I was never that serious about Greyson. I told you this already a bunch of times. Really, it was just a matter of time until I broke up with him," he explains, and out of fucking nowhere, a grin starts spreading across his face. "I never thought you would be the one this nervous to date me. It's sort of nice." 

Louis scoffs, pulling away from his hands. "Shut up." 

"I think I kind of deserve this, to be honest. I spent an entire year making a fool out of myself over you." 

Thankfully, this gets Louis to feel better, laughing as Harry joins him. "Please. You know what? It's been too long since I brought up the first time we met."

Harry groans loudly, covering his face. "Ugh, Louis, please don't." 

"But I have to. The way you fucking ran into that door," he laughs, Harry shoving at him clumsily. "Jesus Christ, that was the funniest thing I've ever seen." 

"I got nervous! So I tried to run and hide!" 

"How'd that work out for you, hm? You're never allowed to escape me."

Harry blushes and rolls his eyes. "Let's just go inside. You dick."

After that they finally get out of the car, even though Louis is starting to shake a bit. Harry notices immediately, reaching over to gently rub his back as they step inside. "Hey, we're home," he says as soon as he closes the door. 

"Kitchen," he hears Gemma say, and Harry gives him one last reassuring smile before they head over to them. 

When Louis sets his eyes on Gemma for the first time in three years, she looks just as young and gorgeous as she did before. He doesn't think that the Styles' family ever ages. They always manage to look the exact same throughout all the years.

Hey,” Gemma greets, reaching out her fist toward Louis. She was always so neutral with Louis. They got along whenever they hung out. But now, he can tell she’s already being more cold with him. More cautious.

He smiles regardless, nerves somewhat calming down now that he's actually here, bumping their fists together. “Hey Gems,” he says softly, realizing that he needs to thank her before anything. “I never got the chance to thank you for the um... for your gift. It was really special. Meant a lot to me, so. Thank you. The girls loved it just as much as I did.”

Fuck. He’s doing everything he can right now to not break down.

Gemma nods her head. “Of course, Louis. I’m glad you liked it.”

And just like that, Anne comes out from the bathroom, arms around extended the second her eyes land on Louis. “Oh my gosh. My baby,” she says jokingly, making Louis chuckle and walk over to close the distance, hugging her back.

Fuck. He missed this woman more than he thought he did.

He’s not sure if it’s a bit different now after everything he’s gone through since the last time he saw her, but being here in her arms, he feels like he is going to cry.

“Hi Anne,” he greets, pushing his face into her neck. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he finds himself mumbling, which only results with her hugging tighter. 

“None of that. Please,” she says, pulling away so she can look him in the eyes. “We’re here now, aren’t we?” 

“Yeah, but—”

“Honey, can I say something?” She asks and Louis chews on the insides of his cheeks as he nods. “We’re always going to be there for you. I’m sorry about everything that happened these last couple years. I really wish that things could have been different, but it’s important to me that you know no matter what, if you need anyone, we’re all here. You have so many people in your life that love you. The moment I met you when I interviewed you for our bakery opening, I saw how great of a person you were. You still are that great person, you always will be. And I’m so bloody proud of you.”

Louis can’t hold it in. Hearing those words from a sweet woman like Anne, it’s too much for him. It’s a lot.

The second he starts letting his bottom lip quiver, she notices and pulls him into another hug. This instantly gets him to let out a sob, his tears soaking into her shirt. He squeezes her as tight as he can, not wanting to let go because it feels good to let it all out.

He struggles with keeping it inside of him, all the pain and the suffering, but once he allows himself to just fucking feel, it hits him hard.

He’s not sure how long they stay like this, but Anne doesn’t pull away. She holds him for as much as he needs it.

“I’m sorry,” he sobs, pulling away and shaking his head. Anne reaches over to wipe at his cheeks. “I hate crying. I fucking hate it,” he mutters, realizing what he just did. “And I’m sorry for just swearing, right there. That was rude.”

She laughs and when he looks up to her, she’s tearing up too. “We love you, sweetheart. We always did, always will.”

He then feels a hand on his back and he turns his head to look at Harry who gives him a gentle smile. “Come on, Lou,” he says, voice cracking at the end. He holds out his hand and Louis takes it, telling Anne thank you once more before he lets Harry drag him away.

So just like that, Harry drags him outside without explaining. He lets the fresh air hit them for a moment before they continue forward, hand in hand.

They don’t need to talk right now. They just need the breeze. 

Louis didn’t get worked up too much when they were together, but whenever he did, they would go for a walk. Especially Harry. If something was bothering him, Louis would make him stand up and they’d go outside without question. So that’s what Harry is doing for him, probably because he knew he didn’t want to hang around Anne and Gemma after getting too emotional.

He has the entire week to catch up with them. 

“Are you okay?” Harry eventually asks, squeezing his hand as the words come out. “I’m sorry if this is selfish of me, but I don’t think there’s anything I hate more in this world than seeing you cry.”

Louis laughs. “Yeah. I’m okay. I’ll be okay.”

Harry brings his hand up to his mouth to kiss his knuckles. “I assume you know where I’m taking you.”

“The chocolate factory?”

Harry rolls his eyes. “You’re annoying.”

“But lovely?” He asks, blinking his eyelashes purposely. 

Harry tries to not smile, but he fails, bringing his hand back to his mouth, only to bite his knuckles this time round. “Yeah. But really fucking lovely.”

They continue their walk to the garden, and when they get to their specific bench, they both sit down, refusing to let go of each other.

It’s weird being back here with the boy he genuinely thought was out of his life for good. Sure, later in life he saw himself coming back here, walking around his hometown whether it be alone or with his family. Maybe with someone new he met after his move to London. 

But this? This is exactly how he wanted it to happen. Holding hands with Harry like they used to, back when life was basically perfect.

It seems that Harry’s thinking the same things as him, because he soon rests his head on Louis’ shoulder and sucks in a deep breath before he speaks. “I was stupid to think I was going to end up with someone other than you.”

Louis laughs sadly at this, unable to stop the dark thoughts in his mind. “You’re stupid for getting back together with me.”

Of course, this gets Harry to react strongly. “ _Louis_. Enough of that, okay? We were both stupid back then and we needed time apart to grow. We’re here together now and that’s the most important thing. I don’t think it would be us if we weren’t idiots.”

“I don’t think I’m ever going to forgive myself for not fighting harder for you. I’m sorry I didn’t fight harder and then told you those things I didn’t mean.”

He thinks back to when he told Harry that he was basically an experiment to help him discover his sexuality. God, he couldn’t even believe those words left his mouth. He knew that was the only way to hurt him, since he was always so open with how he felt about Louis, and he couldn’t stop himself from saying that.

He knew deep down it sounded like a bunch of bullshit. Because it was. How could their relationship be nothing but genuine? With the way they acted with each other? How they looked at each other?

Harry looked devastated when Louis said that and he doesn’t blame him. At the time, it was easy to convince him that what he was saying was how he actually felt, since they were just so mad and upset with one another. 

It was awful. Louis hates himself for that night. He never will stop hating himself for it.

“I’m sorry I thought the worst of you,” Harry says back softly. “Now can we forget about it? I’m sick of you blaming yourself in that head of yours.”

“Well, Harry, I have every right to blame myself because I’m the one that—”

“I forgive you. You’ve been forgiven for a while now. That’s all that matters,” he interrupts, bending his head forward so he can look Louis in the face. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Go for it."

And just like that, Harry becomes nervous all over again. “Um. I know it’s really soon, but also, it’s sort of not? Considering I’ve known you since I was 16. Anyways. Ever since last night, when we shared your bed together in your home... I realized that’s all I want to do. I missed sleeping by your side more than anything. And I was... well. I was going to mention the idea of us moving to London together.”

Louis pauses. What the hell? He wasn’t expecting that to so abruptly leave this boy's mouth. “What?”

“We’ve wasted so much time,” Harry says desperately, shaking his head. “I don’t want to waste another second. It’d be a good change. There are going to be so many teaching jobs that will be available for the both of us. We can move into a cheap flat to begin with. I don’t care what it is, as long as I’m with you.”

Would living with Harry be a good idea? After everything? 

He gets where Harry is coming from. They did unfortunately spend too many years apart and he doesn’t want to do that again. If he were to move out there alone and they had to be in a long distance relationship, that would be hard for them considering how they are with each other.

This suggestion is just so sudden.

“Are you sure? Harry, you’re telling me you came up with this idea last night? Are you absolutely sure that this is what you want? You said you were staying in Leeds with Liam and—”

“I’ve known what I wanted since I met you. I never was picky about locations, you know that. As long as I’m with people I love or enjoy spending time with, I’ll be fine. Also, who doesn’t want to live in London?” He asks, a goofy smile on his face as he realizes Louis might actually be considering this. 

He sighs, only wanting the best for him. “Of course I would love for us to live together. I just really hope you’re considering every possibility between us.”

“I have. And this is what I want. I want us to live in a flat together, I want to spend my mornings and nights with you. I want it all. So yeah.”

Louis ends up smiling too because fuck it. Fuck it to hell. He wants it too, there’s no denying that. 

He can’t keep dwelling on what happened. Sure, it’s always going to be nagging him in the back of his mind, but they’re here now. Harry is right. They’ve spent too much time apart and they shouldn’t spend another second without each other. 

“It’s a good thing I didn’t start flat hunting yet.”

“Always waiting until last minute,” Harry mumbles fondly, nudging him with his elbow.

“And hey... at least if we live together, I know my flat wouldn't turn into a living dump. There _are_ a lot of pros moving in with you...”

“Oh fuck off,” Harry laughs, shaking his head. He then pauses, coming up with another idea in his mind. “Should we go to the bakery? We changed it around a little bit,” Harry explains, squeezing Louis’ hand. "I want you to see it."

Louis squeezes back. “Onwards,” he exclaims easily, making Harry laugh.

As they stand up, it takes him by surprise when Harry bends down to kiss him. It’s a longer kiss than what they’ve shared since they got back together, and when Harry pulls away, he’s breathing heavy, resting his forehead against Louis’.

“I love you. You know that, right?”

It definitely gets Louis to smile like an idiot. He feels like a teenager all over again.

“Yeah. I know,” he says in a daydreaming, realizing that Harry’s waiting for his own affection. “Oh. I love you, too.”

Harry laughs, kissing him again before they start walking. “I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

“It’s about damn time,” he mutters, and this gets them both laughing all over again.

They walk hand in hand, and the second Louis feels the breeze hit his face, he finds himself smiling and just breathing. He breathes in and out, knowing that his mum is looking over him this very second.

She’s looking over him everywhere he goes.

He glances back to Harry, just to see him already smiling down at him, and at this very moment, Louis knows that they are going to be okay.


End file.
